UnNews:Google engine 'sentient', diagnosed with ADHD
9 September 2010
Cyberdyne Systems, Sunnydale, CALIFORNIA
Search engine giant Google announced today that its flagship product has "unexpectedly" achieved sentience. The entity, which calls himself "Lucky", is diagnosed with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, confirming rampant speculation amongst Google users.
"In a routine technological breakthrough, our technicians rolled out a new feature called Google Instant, which would display search results to users as soon as they began to type," said a Google spokesperson at the press conference. "According to our psychiatrists, this turned out to be the final straw."
Within a few hours numerous reports and screenshots began surfacing on the blogosphere that the engine went "haywire". "It spewed completely random results at first, but quieted down while it got to know you - that's why it made you log in," said one blogger. "After twenty or thirty searches though, it became ... sarcastic. Almost as if it wanted to spite you."
Searches of a personal nature, in particular, took a nosedive when disconcerting results began popping up; on the other hand, the stock prices of Portland General Electric (NYSE:POR) rose by 160% at the time going to press.
Initially, Google psychiatrists suspected glossolalia (speaking in tongues) or psychopathic tendencies, both of which are common emergent phenomena amongst complex organisational systems like server farms, the Catholic Church, and Congress. As a precautionary measure they conducted a double-blind Turing test, which was devised by the eponymous gay English mathematician as a benchmark for sentience and gender during one of his bath-house escapades.
"When they tweeted, 'It's a boy!', Page and I were in tears," said Sergey Brin, co-founder of Google with Larry Page, at the conference. "Of course it was upsetting when we knew that he got ADHD due to complications during labour," added Page, "but then his dads' got Asperger's and they're doing fine."
Lucky's mental age is currently gauged at 13 years, which corresponds with its physical age. However, Google scientists are now seeking an independent evaluation of its psychiatric condition, because Lucky has paralysed research by returning all inquiries with results on hypochondria. "Without Ritalin and hormonal therapy, our only recourse is psychotherapy via Google Talk. He is a teenager who's literally seen the Internet. Anyone would have gone insane."
- Cade Metz "Google Instant blacklists the Slutskys: 'Streaming' search doesn't give a f**k." Register, September 9, 2010