9 September 2011
CAFETERIA, Yahoo High School (Yahoo High Inquisitor) — ZOMG, check it out! On Thursday, former Yahoo High School student body president, Carol Bartz, called the entire school "doody-heads".
"Roy Bostock, you SUCK!" blurted Bartz, during the lunch recess. "What sort of loser breaks up with somebody OVER THE PHONE?!?...stop looking at me! Ugh! I HATE you ALL! You're all a bunch of doody-heads!" She then stormed out of the cafeteria, emitting a shriek so high-pitched that it was only audible to dogs and porpoises.
A stunned Roy Bostock waited a bit too long before shouting a comeback — "Yeah, well you're a cootie queen!" — but, as he is the football team's star quarterback, most of the other students present laughed appreciatively. "He's used that joke before, so it wasn't his best moment. But it was still funny," said Tim Morse, the football team's starting tailback. "I mean, he totally skewered Carol. Who uses 'doody-head' for an insult?"
Bartz, reached for comment downtown, at the Stereotypical-Teenager Hangout Joint, talked tearfully for half an hour about how much Roy had meant to her, and how she'd already written his name on the covers of her theme books, and how she thought he'd be her "true love", just like Edward is Bella's true love in the Twilight series. "But then my cousin Janet saw him sucking face with that bitch, Susie Microsoft. He was totally getting back together with her. And he said I was 'making a big deal over nothing!' So then he breaks up with me — BY PHONE! I hope you and Susie Microsoft get married, Roy! You deserve one another!"
Roy Bostock apparently intends retaliation for Bartz's outburst. "Yeah," said Morse, "we're gonna go down to the football field at midnight tonight and shotgun some beers, and then Roy's gonna write 'CAROL BARTZ IS A SLUT' at midfield with Round-Up. The grass'll be totally dead by the big game on Saturday, and the whole school'll see it. Oh, it's gonna be AWESOME. Ha ha ha!"
School Principal Jan von Tyrtjyrk was unperturbed by the whole affair. "Eh, typical teenage drama. I'd give 'em detention, and tell 'em to shut the hell up and act their age, but the fact is, they're already acting their age." Von Tyrtjyrk then took a swig from a flask which he pulled from his grubby-looking desk. "Jesus, I wish the kids could be a little more mature. Last Friday, somebody wrote 'Principal Turd Jerk' in all the boys' bathrooms. I'm pretty sure it was Bostock, too, but I can't prove it. I'll admit it's a little funny, but for God's sake, my name's Dutch. 'Tirt yirk'. Should actually learn something once in a while, you little weasels."
- Nathan Olivarez-Giles "Former Yahoo head calls board of directors 'doofuses'". L.A. Times, September 8, 2011