UnNews:Former "volcano base" on sale as ideal home
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
25 September 2007
THE NOW DISUSED VOLCANO BASE of a generic former James Bond villain has been put up for sale as a prospective family home. The former base that still houses a myriad of doomsday devices - and has a network of underground tunnels with miles of obligatory electric mono-rail tracks - is on sale for $1,000,000,000.
"Naturally, this property comes complete with 200 henchmen in garish boiler suits and hard-hats," gushed estate agent Harry Baldman, "but this all, of course, is included in the cost".
Located in a remote Pacific island and still ringed by its original laser fence, the 56-acre site is being marketed as a "gorgeous" property and potential resort. Mr. Baldman is optimistic of the market for the base, "I believe this would be ideal for the average family with two or three children. Just think what fun they would have deploying a, still operational, orbital laser weapon on some generic Central American town."
Also of note is the vast pool that houses twenty sharks and five crocodiles. "If any henchman fails in his duties or some secret agent tries to foil some plan there is a choice of more than sixty trapdoors that lead directly to the sharks and crocodiles."
When asked if any current James Bond villains, hell bent on world domination, were interested in the property Harry was rather disparaging, "oh darling, volcano bases are so "yesterday". Today's villain is more into under-water or moon bases."
"Unfortunately, the base for sale now was largely destroyed in 1967 by Sean Connery, so much of my sales pitch is a bare-faced lie, but that should not put any prospective buyer off."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- I expect you to DIE! "No Mr Bond" So, you expect me to talk?, September 25, 2007