The War on... (series)
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While the idea of declaring war on one nation or group has been viewed as distasteful, the war on general ideas and concepts has recently gone in vogue. This has lead to the "War on" series of wars, which do not fit the definition of war precisely, but come close enough. Convincing others that there is an actual war to begin with is the first, and most important step. The most challenging aspect is not having people laugh at your concept of fighting a concept. To keep your war going, be absolutely certain that no one will stop having this concept or idea in their head. If anyone remotely looks as if they might share this concept or idea, then make sure they are properly labelled "enemy," and proceed with the killing.
The War on Fear[edit | edit source]
Those who promote fear will be shot. This applies to school bullies, police cars, and flaunting transvestites.
The War on EXTREMISTS[edit | edit source]
Extremists must be stopped. To this end ALL extremists will be shot on sight.
The War on Gluttony[edit | edit source]
Obesity in the United States has lead to revulsion by several countries. Tourists are often banned on sight for their rotund figures. Muslims have recently issued a "Fatwah" against the US, declaring that all chubby people will be shot on sight.
The War on Sadness[edit | edit source]
Sadness is an emotion that makes others extremely unhappy. In order to prevent this negative emotion, all who show signs of sadness will be shot.
The War on Emotion[edit | edit source]
While not officially recognized as a war, many believe that actions should be based on logic, not emotion. By restricting the use of emotion based decisions, over one half of the population must be put out of the picture.
The War on Confidence[edit | edit source]
People have recently become more conceited, snobby, and pretentious than ever before. People in the Western world just plain lack humility. On top of this, there are plenty of people who feel no obligation to criticise themselves or what they are doing. People who listen to Country music, for example. They must be shot.
The War on Hunger[edit | edit source]
Hunger, being one of the most unwanted negative consequences in the US, is subject to sudden warfare by the military. This has been demonstrated in Somalia, Bosnia, and other countries, as US soldiers aim to prevent hunger from spreading by killing their inhabitants.
The War on War[edit | edit source]
War must be stopped. For the world to know peace, there must be no war. This is why wars are fought- to prevent war. Only through continued fighting can war be prevented. The enemy only wants war.
The War on Intelligence[edit | edit source]
The War on Intelligence has been a bitter civil war between many Americans in the surrounding areas. Brother and sister, uncle and other relatives, and neighbor and some guy you met Last Tuesday are all campaigning in this fray. A draft will be issued by Dubya, who will not fight, and Kerry, who will get several Purple Hearts and will never shut up about it.
The War on Metaphors[edit | edit source]
The casualties of the innumerable wars on vague ideas and concepts have been so astonishingly high, that, after seizing power in a ((coup)), Colonel Lionel P. Clusterfuck ordered all wars on things without a physical manifestation cease. Clusterfuck requested this particularly after the War on War sent various expeditionary forces to attack other forces engaging in armed conflict. The expeditionary forces crumbled as each individual participant attempted to wage war on those waging war, resulting in a free for all that spilled more blood than a drunk Vampire, and for engaging in War, all those involved in the War on War killed themselves, if they hadn't been killed. Cleanup of the 600 million corpses is still ongoing.