Hastings: Difference between revisions
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==Other Hastings== |
==Other Hastings== |
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| − | There are many isotopes of Hastings, the one found in [[Madrid]] (capital of that country where you go on holiday and people say olé for no reason). Here is its peculiar electronic configuration: 1s1,1s2,1s3,1s4 as you can observe it has 1 - shell 4 containing 4 sub-shells its 1s3 morons concerns it peculiar characteristics like its instability, it makes it a carcinogen and makes it have a high risk of spontanious combustion. |
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| + | There are at least 21.3 other towns called Hastings in the world, but they are all the wrong ones. |
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| − | The symbol for this particular isotope of Hastings is Pf, because it was discovered 30 years ago by the Pennefathers (a family that carries the dickhead gene, which is found in chromosome X and is dominant - this implies every single Penefather will have this gene) 30 years ago. |
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| − | Pf has 381 electrons only held by 30 protons, although we must admit the proton leader (Mr.G) is big enough to engulf most, including [[Oscar Wilde]]. |
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| − | One of the crucial characteristics about Pf, is its radioactivicity, this particularly shows when it decays and it emiits a rare kind of radiation in the form of chunks of ceiling amd yellow marks on walls. This apparently created a parallel universe in 0.23 dimensions (the budget couldn't afford anymore) where people can live and pretend they study. |
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| − | In Pf they encourage you to smoke weed, so they give you an environment where it will blend in and all is GREEN, obviously so the police can't find it when they conduct random raids on the biology class (not that anything goes on that is.) |
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| − | Under the Pennefather dictatorship the fine people of Hastings are treated to only the finest, especially since the new General Director (John Dicks) has implemented brand new reforms to streamline the time 10 metre squared republic into a green Japan where everyone is obedient but held together with duct tape and the crafty work of the Master Chefs of the province of New Cafeteria and by JC who presides over the hole next to the gym. |
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| − | The great Dictator and his predecessors had and still believe that tetra-briks, normally used to support beverages, would be a good replacement for concrete buildings. Citizens therefore have to inhabit these unstable environments in which the floor feels like it is going to collapse. These tetra-briks are very unsuitable for homes, as they (unlike real tetra-briks)are not really waterproof. This will eventually lead to the collapse of the roofs and hopefully the death of the great Dictator and Mr. G. Many believe that Jebus has something to do with this, but many just see this is a conspiracy theory including [[Hitler]] and [[Aznar]]. |
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| − | The nonPeople's Republic of Hastings has extraordinary wildlife and natural fauna including the Ms Hudson-eating dinosaur and the endangered Mr O'Connor-eating dinosaur, both unique to the area and are concentrated in the near the S3 mountain range, close to the mines of Mordor, just left of [[Kim Jong-Il]]'s secret hidout under the watchful eye of Mr G. Also to be found are the Pubed Hair Sam and the King Buba which are constantly locked in battle, quite a sight to see as they duel with magic cards until one lights the other on fire with matches and kerosine, hence the name of the famous cocktail, the Flaming Pube and the Flaming Buba. |
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'''-Quotes about this kind of hastings-''' |
'''-Quotes about this kind of hastings-''' |
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Revision as of 10:30, 1 May 2012
This article has too much listiness.
Youv'e taken a left at the stump, did you want to get to Hastings, New Zealand?
| Hastings | |
|---|---|
| Closest border: | England |
| Formal status: | Health Hazard |
| Where it is | |
| County: | East Sussex |
| Region: | The Southeast |
| Nation: | Mediocre Britain |
| Post town: | HASTINGS |
| Postcode: | LO66 |
| Dialling Code: | 0800 00 1066 |
“This town was meant for passing through, boy it ain't nothing new”
“The only thing less welcome than non-English currency in a grocer's shop in Hastings, is a non-English customer”
Overview
STAY AWAY AT ALL COSTS!
Hastings is a small seaside town on the South Coast of England. Famous for a battle that didn't happen here in 1066. The battle took place up the road in a small town called Battle which was quite lucky really. Hastings is still not recognised by the pope (see map) and only formally joined the united kingdom in 1976.
The correct pronunciation of the town is "ast-inns"
History
Early History
Hastings was first occupied in Prehistoric times, and traces of its prehistoric past can still be found on the West Hill, the East Hill and in the minds & attitudes of today's residents.
The Romans passed through Hastings, rather hurriedly, and their only contribution to the town was to build a huge bath, presumably in the hope that the residents would take the hint.
In Anglo-Saxon times, Hastings was a separate Kingdom in its own right, and the Overlordship of Hastings was the subject of fierce debate between the Kings of Sussex and Kent, neither of whom wanted it. The town still proudly asserts its individuality today, by, for example, managing to be a severely deprived town in one of the most prosperous counties in England. The Anglo-Saxons established the town's first Art Gallery on The Stade, "Ye Jerwode Galerei". Recently (2012) there has been much debate in the town following the Council's decision to build a fishing fleet on the site of Ye Jerwode Galerei, with detractors claiming it would destroy the traditional, 1000-year-old "arty-farty" atmosphere of The Old Town.
King Athelstan established a Mint in Hastings in the 9th century, although it was later shut down after Police discovered that the supposed 'mint' was in fact cannabis.
The Battle of Hastings
In 1066 Duke William of Normandy decided to invade England...oh come on, we've all heard of The Battle of Hastings, 1066 and all that. Everyone did it at school. I'm not typing the whole bloody story out again. Look it up in your history books if you really don't know what happened.
Medieval Hastings
Under the Norman kings of England, Hastings was elected to be a Sink Port, and although no longer a port, the town still has several Sink Estates. Nothing else happened until 1923. (Mentally insert the usual seaside-town stuff about smugglers, the rise of the seaside resort, etc etc if you wish. Try copy & pasting from the history section of any other English seaside town - they're all the same.)
The Birthplace of Television
Television was invented in Hastings in 1923 by John Logie Baird (who was actually trying to fix his microwave at the time). Unfortunately, Television Studios were not invented until the 1930's, so early TV subscribers had to watch a blank screen for 10 years. Nevertheless, Hastings proudly claims to be "The Birthplace of Television" and hence, by extension, the Birthplace of "Britain's Got Talent", "You've Been Framed", "Pets Do The Funniest Things", the "Go Compare" adverts and Pay-Per-View Sky Sports. Some American bloke, Philo farnsworth, also claimed to have invented Television, but he didn't live in Hastings so he is clearly mistaken.
The town does have more History but I'm off to the pub now. Might finish this later if I can bothered.
Many Attractions
The Normans built a castle here, rather close to the edge of the cliff overlooking the crazy golf course. Unfortunately, they built it rather too close to the edge, so when they got round to doing the bit by the cliff edge they found out they'd run out of space so consequently had to leave that bit looking a bit ruined.
The town's other attractions include a pier (which is normally on fire), smuggler's caves (no longer occupied) and a Robert Dyas (not as good as it sounds).
A major landmark on the seafront is Marine Court, a block of flats built to resemble an Ocean Liner. A similar project, an Ocean Liner built to resemble a block of flats, was not a success and can still be seen at low tide, 50 yards from the shore.
The Crypt, the town's premier nite club, offers a wide range of 80s music, actually having a double 80s disc which it plays every Thursday. The club is also used to cultivate a dark brown/black substance know as C6S4 (crypt slime) a highly corrosive substance used in the construction industry.
inFamous Residents
Rob Watts
Adam Murphmister Murphy (Famous for his adventure to the unknown!)(expect everyone knows, dirty bastard)[[1]]
Events
Hastings has a rather poor quality football team, Hastings United, and the town council decided to tarmac over the attractive cricket ground in the centre of town to build a substandard shopping centre, in the hope that some people might think they were in Eastbourne. Many tourists come to Hastings just to mock the football team - I recommend this thoroughly.
Education
- Hastings has some of the shittest schools in England, the all boys school,William Parker,known to hold regular "Homosexual orgies", starting in 2004
- Helenswood - an all girls school full of hot lesbian chicks. Hillcrest is a chav infested hell hole of a local secondary school where an average of 164 girls get pregnant a day.
- All the other centres of education are basically all of the above crammed together with less room to move.
Other Hastings
There are at least 21.3 other towns called Hastings in the world, but they are all the wrong ones.
-Quotes about this kind of hastings-
“¡Vayase usté a la mierda, a la mierdaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”
"Hey guys, guys. If we win this, we get Hastings!" "Alright, Hastings." - King William at some battle.