“He's a real Doctor with a Phd in Kicking Your ass!”
A doctor is nothing more than a drug dealer with a college degree (Note: Since Dr Dre has finished his degree, he should now be referred to as Dr.Dre, Ph.D. - not to be confused with Snoop Dogg, who has the title Pc.P.). It should also be noted that doctors are paid to be cruel and are frequently torture hobbyists, who like to poke people with sharp objects, administer nasty tasting medications, give enemas, and do other things that cause previously normal people to look like trees and feel like potential violent criminals. In fact, the people they treat are called "patients" for putting up with their sadistic experiments and cruel acts. A more accurate term is victims. A doctor has to say a "hypocritical oath," which means that they can nag you about your own eating habits while being a lardass him/herself. So, forget about anatomy and forget about diseases - if you're really ill, don't waste your money; pop some DayQuills and a GinTonic and you're far better off. Doctors should ONLY be consulted when you need to get high. So, now to the essentials - how to get cheap dope from 'em. Often, doctors give head to patients to ease their pain and distract their mind from seeing minge.
The word DOCTOR comes from the Greek dokein meaning decent, as in "I thought I was going to make a decent living doing this sh*t."
The Doctor is In
- DOCTORS HATE THEIR PATIENTS. You need to understand and embrace this concept. I have personally referred to patients as "hoopleheads" and "that A-hole out in the waiting room." The sooner you come to terms with this the quicker you will understand the concept of "the rectal exam". You really don't think we know how much it hurts? We've gone to school longer than you've been alive - of course we know it hurts. That's why we do it. So sit down, shut up and quit trying to look up the nurses skirt.
The doctor is high
....on making you feel better. Or Laughing Gas. Honestly. Pay no attention to my 8mm dilated pupils that are briskly reactive to light and uncontrollable drooling. And yes, it is normal for you to bleed that much every month.......
The doctor will
- "Cure" you about as often as Haley's Comet enters a near earth orbit
- Get a boner during your Pap smear
- Tell you to relax and that you won't feel a thing, then hurt you so bad you scream in pain (VAS 10/10, felt over the anus, relieved by tramadol 17 tablets an hour)
Rubber gloves and other things...
Doctors like to hurt you, and here are some tools of their trade:
- Latex gloves. See Latex allergy.
- Speculum. From the latin word specula meaning spectacular, as in "I'm going to have spectacular view of this 21 year old's you-know-what"
- Needles. You have a 106 degree fever, chills, night sweats, green frothy diarrhea and pustules from head to toe. You have approximately 14 and a half minutes to live. The doctor suggests an injection which will save your so far pathetic and pretty much meaningless life. STOP BEING SUCH A PUSSY, FOR GOD"S SAKE.
- Your bill.
The Doctor Is Out
This is what is known in layman's terms as "Wednesday". Please have the courtesy to get sick another day.
When a doctor is incorrect
- Dr. Pepper
- Dr. Dre
- Dr. Seuss
- The DOC
- Dr. Yamak
- Dr. Doom
- Dr. Sbaitso
- Dr. Leonard McCoy
- Dr. Who
- Dr. X
- Dr. Evil
- Dr. Zoidberg
- Dr. Ian Paisley
- Dr. Wily
- Dr. Robotnik
- Dr. Feelgood
- Dr. Josef Mengele
- Dr. Harold Shipman
- Doctor and the Medics
- Medical technologist
- Medical Malpractice