Stephen Hawking

"He's retarded...he's a moron."--Jake Lindaman

Professor Hawking wearing his melted cheese mask, made from the cheese of a yak.

Stephen Hawking (1832-present) is a world-famous painter, alpine skiier, mountain climber, international man of mystery, cartographer, and collector of body cheese of many animals. Using his cybernetic extensions, including four wheels and a titanium skeleton linked to a robotic voice machine, he intimidates rival artists and mapmakers into giving in to his demands on the threat of immolation, and is known to ransacks different farms, public bathrooms, and airplane seats to gather his cheese collection. He also emits Hawking radiation.

Mr. Hawking now resides in the basements and cellars of Oxford University in England, nourishing himself with a new device that allows him to use his vacuum-tube penis to dig miles into the Earth towards the core. Stephen Hawking runs on Slackware Linux 10.1, and has had a record-breaking uptime of 4,954,122 hours and 54 minutes without needing a reboot. He has only been hacked once, by a retarded child who ate giant pandas.

Stephen's bitter rivalry with Bill Gates began over a pan of brownies they made while rooming together in college. Bill violently attacked Stephen leaving him crippled and brownie-less. Until this day Stephen has been plotting to get revenge by what he calls "...taking that bastards retainer".

He was almost forced to create a time machine large enough for the entire planet in 2010 by George W. Bush's Do Over Act. He was instead able to convince Congress to purchase mass quantities of the calendars he sells on eBay.