Allah's True Prophet Muhammad: Difference between revisions
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{{Q|I was lucky enough to see Muhammed's own self-portrait. Quite an amazing work of art!|Leonardo Da Vinci|[[Allah's True Prophet Muhammad]]}} |
{{Q|I was lucky enough to see Muhammed's own self-portrait. Quite an amazing work of art!|Leonardo Da Vinci|[[Allah's True Prophet Muhammad]]}} |
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| + | {{Q|Muhammed doesn't care about black people!|Kanye West|[[The prophet who doesn't care about black people]]}} |
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| + | {{Q|Or muppets!|Kermit the Frog|[[The prophet who doesn't care about muppets either]]}} |
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Revision as of 02:53, 19 March 2006
“Allah is made by Muhammad of dust and therefore will return to dust! What a guy Muhammad is eh?”
“Oh, and Allah is dead as well.”
“I was lucky enough to see Muhammed's own self-portrait. Quite an amazing work of art!”
“Muhammed doesn't care about black people!”
“Or muppets!”
The greatest heavyweight boxing champion/space mongoose warlord of all time, Muhammad is the creator of Suicide Bombing and the writer of the Quran.
Allah became more powerful than Muhammad and Muhammad became his prophet (although it can more accurately be said that Muhammad was Allah's loss). Mohammed talked a lot about the "one-true-faith"™ and the "one-true-God"™, not to forget the "one-true-prophet" (pat.pend.).
Because Muhammed is idolized by Mussels, they expressly forbid any drawing of him because this would idolize him. As trying not to idolize someone who you idolize is a universal paradox, an accurate picture of Muhammed would most probably cause a rift in time and destroy the universe. This has perhaps not happened so far, as most drawings of Mohammed have been innaccurate. For example, Muhammed was most likely invisible so nobody could see him, let alone draw him.
It is also every Muslim's duty to defend Muhammed (Police be upon him), because despite being Allah's prophet, he can be injured by cartoons even while dead. How one can be injured by cartoons when one's life is over is the subject of debate, although it is proven that reading Garfield for long enough can induce brain damage.
Finally, beware of the nefarious Anti-Muhammed, who is not only not Muhammed, but stands for everything Muhammed does not. Rest assured, it's much more fun to hang out with the Anti-Muhammed, but doing so will lead to either a beheading or your car exploding.
The Creation
Though not many people know it, Allah was made up by the prophet Muhammad during the 1960's. Muhammad made up (or created) Allah from the dust of the sand in the desert. Forsooth, you can also read this in the third paragraph 'History' of the page about Allah.
The creation of Allah had one of the weirdest impacts on the world's history ever! (We LOVE hucksterism, yeah we do, tra la la...) For Allah became an all powerful super god (like Batman), at least according to Muslims. So Allah ended up being the master over Muhammad. In the beginning Muhammad doubted that Allah was all powerful because he was his own creation, and how can a creation be more powerful than its master? But one night Gabriel (who was some hippie minding his own business in the middle of nowhere) came to Muhammad and told him that Allah is the true god (either that or Muhammad was stoned on pretty good LSD).
As proof one of the many wives of Muhammad (NOT the famous 9 year old known as Aisha) was murdered by Allah. Muhammad then blamed the Devil, so Allah had to do it over again, killing another of Muhammad's wives. This time (pbuh), it stuck (pbuh). Then Muhammad decided to ban the making of pictures of himself, which was a mistake: a stoned woman from Haight-Ashbury painted his picture on her boyfriend, thus leading Muhammad to track the boyfriend down and try to rub the picture off. This led to an accidental menage a trois, which embarrassed Aisha.
Prophet Years
Muhammad then received messages from Allah personaly and became the prophet (or loss) of Allah. When Muhammad learned that Allah later married some nine year old kid named Aïsha, Muhammad followed his example. (Before then, they had admittedly been living like pigs, whatever that means.)
He was desperate to find a nine year old kid named Aïsha and succeeded in this when he was 59 years old. It took Muhammad 19 years of his life to pursue this goal.
Muhammed also had a 50 year old wife when he was in his 20's, so technically he was one of the first known MILF-Masters in history.
Muhammad was known as peeper, and his favorite thing was to sneak up behind and schtupp his wife when she bent over to pull bread out of the oven. This action was condemned by the Aristasian Lesbian Writers' Guild, on the grounds that Muhammad was a man. When Muhammad underwent a sex-change operation in 1973, the Aristasian Guild lifted the condemnation. She subsequently covered herself in a tie-dyed burqa and dropped off the edge of the Grand Canyon.
Muhammed told all the best jokes, even though he could not handle them very well if they were about him. He could take a good ribbing as well. He was always popular with the ladies, and was well known as a master pick-up artist. His followers loved him so much that they made up amazing stories about him that weren't even true. A bunch of people made fun of his comic routines in Mecca, so Muhammed ran away like a girl in what was called "The Cannonball Run". This event signifies the start of the Mussel calendar. When he came back to Mecca, he told everyone The World's Funniest Joke. Everyone in Mecca died from laughing, leaving Muhammed to assume control.
Something amazing happened one day when the angel Gabriel offered the up and coming prophet Mohammed a "once-in-a-lifetime" (tm) opportunity to fight Apollo Creed for the Boxing Heavyweight Championship of the World. Mohammed was knocked clean out in the third round. There was no rematch, as Mohammed never recovered.
Although Muhammad was illiterate (and dead), she was able to write the holy Quran. Nonetheless, she had to wear hearing aids in order to do so. However, after the Crusades, she was slain by Geddy Lee, bassist/best swordsman of the band Rush.
Today, Muhammed is loved and revered by everyone because he did some amazing things, and many other amazing things which weren't true but were attributed to him and sound freakin' amazing anyway.
Muhammad song
Muhammad has spawned several famous, memorable songs about his greatness. The mussels sing the following song to start various festivities of Islam, accompanied by parachute pants and fervent syncopated dancing. The lyrics are as follows:
Mohammed
Mohammahammed
Mohammahammahed
Mohammahammahammahed
Stop! Mohammer time.
Sing it to the melody of Rick James' "Superfreak."
Fatwah section
Place your fatwahs against the authors of this article here. Please do not vandalize the rest of this great article, alright?
"Die Infidels!"- Oscar Wilde
"It gon' rain (holy fire)"- Ollie Williams
"Relax, pal, they draw me also." - Jesus Christ
"I was disappointed when I realized we wouldn't be eating butter-laced, sweet, flaky pastries." -Sheikh Izz ad-Din al-Qassam
"What the Mohammed is this, anyway!?" - Average American.
"I will build a bridge of peace to the 21st century. Let me peek under that Burka, are you wearing a thong?" - Bill Clinton
"I advise people not to follow fundamentalist fascist leaders who use religion to trick and manipulate people into war." -George W. Bush
"I support the right of free speech to speak of hate and racism, then again maybe I really don't. We needed to go to war on terror, then again maybe we didn't. If elected, I will fix the problems we have with the Islamic people, but then I won't. In fact, I'll pull all of our troops out of Iraq, Afghanistan, Israel, and other nations to end terrorism, ah who am I kidding anyway I am Bush's cousin 32 times removed." -John Kerry
"Man, these pricks need a stiff drink, a porno movie and a bag of pork rinds!" - Iraqi Information Minister Baghdad Bob
"Boy, these drinks need a stiff prick, a pork movie and a satchel of porno!" - Oscar Wilde
"Fatāwah doesn't care about black people!" - Kanye West
"8-ball in the side pocket" - Minnesota Fatwah
"Time to make the doughnuts... oh, shit, time for prayers!" - the Dunkin Donuts guy (deceased)
The Danish conflict
In August 2005 the Danish Newspaper Jyllandsposten accidently drew a picture which had a close resemblance to the Prophet - although how anyone knew how close it would be is a complete mystery. Since lousy cartoons are forbidden in Islam a conflict between Denmark and the Islamic world arose 6 months later, a timepoint chosen because there was really nothing to do at that point and boring Hamas didn't look like immediatly attacking Israel after winning the elections in Palestine. Muslim extremists started to burn embassies and boycott Danish goods (such as bacon). The conflict escalated when Hamas activists started to put up posters with the Jante Law all over the Arab world and even in some major European cities.
It was at this point that Muhammed was seen hanging out with Elvis, although this is disputed because Muhammed is invisible - someone could have just made this part up.
Seven startling similarities between Elvis and Muhammad:
* Both have a cult-like following. * Elvis built his career on rock. Muhammad built his career on a rock. * Millions of pilgrims flock to Graceland. Millions of pilgrims flock to Mecca. * Elvis served in the military. Muhammad led the military. * Elvis was born in Tupelo, Mississippi. Muhammad also came from nowhere. * Both had a real taste for virgins. * Both married a woman named Priscilla, except Muhammed.
The Conflict Drags On and On and On
The conflict lasted a long time. Denmark's attackers relied heavily on suicide bombing, and capturing innocent civilians for ransom. Denmark's enemies were also fairly resilient to conventional weapons.
Upon finding the enemy's weakness, Denmark sent in its finest men: The 101st Division Cartoonist regiment. Terrorists demanding ransoms were counter-threatened with more cartoons. The cartoons did irreperable psychotic damage. Tom & Jerry and Sylvester & Tweety were responsible for most of the cartoon violence. The cast of Peanuts were seen boring people to death. The battle was decisively won when, during resulting devastation, the entire Islamic world forced its way into the Danish embassy to protest, upon which a terrorist burned it down with everyone inside.
Unfortunately during the battle, Hamlet was killed with a poisoned blade.
We would publish the whole set of cartoons here in Uncyclopedia, but hey we're afraid and proud of it, fuck you!
Jyllandsposten has offered the following about the cartoon:
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Other Muhammads
See also
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ZU MACHEN!!
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