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| + | I love Star Wars! |
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| − | ''For the TRUE ENTRY about the software programming methodology, see [[Star Wars (programming)]] |
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| − | [[Image:Obi-One-Kenobi.jpg|thumb|right|[[#Original manuscript|It has been proven]] that George Lucas was a homosexually -inclined pedophile.]] |
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| − | [[Image:Nasa spaceship.jpg|thumb|right|Jefferson Starship - [[Prince (artist)|Darth Ridiculous]]' vehicle of choice]] |
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| − | {{:wilde:star wars}} |
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| − | {{Q|Star Wars will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. We are Microsoft.|The Borg|Star Wars}} |
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| − | '''Star Wars''' is an orgasmic trilogy of 35+ movies that [[George Lucas]] wrote in an attempt to exploit his deep-seated pedophilic/sexual urges. They have won a total of sixty Academy Awards, the most for any series in film history. In fact, in 1983, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences made the unheard-of move of bestowing its coveted Best Picture award as a tie between two movies in this series that had come out in the same year. Star wars movies are traditionally played backwards and the order in which the movies progress is best viewed when picked at random. Avid Star Wars fans even stand on their heads whilst watching a Star Wars movie to improve their viewing experience. Even after 35+ films nobody except its pale kid fans can figure out what it is about. |
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| − | '''[[Star Wars (game show)|Star Wars]]''' is also the name of a [[television]] game show. |
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| − | ==History== |
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| − | [[Image:Star_wars.jpg|thumb|right|200px|Obi-wan: That's not a moon - it's a planet of Funk!<BR> |
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| − | Chorus:<BR> |
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| − | In the navy, You can fight the rebel fleet!<BR> |
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| − | In the navy, You can hasten their defeat!<BR> |
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| − | In the navy, Our power is terrible!<BR> |
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| − | In the navy, Shooting class is optional!]] |
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| − | Star Wars was invented by fundamentalist christians as a method of birth control in Ireland, because they understood that Star Wars fans would never get laid. Unfortunately, Star Wars leaked outside of its intended market and ended up being used as a birth control device worldwide. The specific long-term effects of Star Wars are unknown, but most scientists agree that it will cause total annihilation of the human race and several breeds of llama by the year 2017. |
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| − | The christians approached producer/director [[George Lucas|George Luckass]] in 1977, along with [[Ellis Boxington]] created the Star Wars nightmare to ask them to change the way we look at soap operas. Known only as, [[Star Wars: Episode IIII: A Daring Rescue from Outer Space]]. the film went on to win a nomination and [[Oscar]] ([[Oscar Wilde|Wilde]]) win in every category that year. Due to its success, especially among the single unwed mother demographic, Luckass decided to write seven more parts to his trilogy. |
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| − | Episodes IX and IXI followed, and later VIAV to T. When asked why he had decided to release his story out of order, he was reputed to have mumbled, "I must hurry. Plaid shirt sale at Mervyn's." It should also be known that, aside from being a master storyteller, Lucas is also an experienced clone and lightsabre enthusiast, his interests in which have spilled out into the movies. Evidence of this can be found in "Star Wars: Episode IV: The Beginning of the Latter era of the Emperor's Revenge on the Galaxy," during a cataclysmic battle between Jedi overseer James Laserfellow and Plysmth Lord Darth Dinosaurus. |
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| − | The films themselves turned out to be powerful weapons. In the late Eighties, the Dark Lord of the Shit, [[Ronald Reagan]], launched the Star Wars films into [[outer space]] and announced that they were aimed directly at the [[Soviet Union]]. Mikhail Gorbachev responded by deploying newly developed mid-range [[Doctor Who]] videocassettes in [[Cuba]]. The thirteen days of tension reached a resolution only when [[Captain Kirk]] Vulcan death-gripped both superpowers, thus ending the [[Cold War]]. |
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| − | [[Image:Starwars_battle.JPG|thumb|right|120px|Sweet FX]] |
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| − | Though most of the scenes of the movies are spliced together from nature documentaries, George Lucas didn't have enough to get the full film 101 credit, so he decided to fill up the remaining 20 minutes of the films with midless violence. He employed 1000 [[monkeys]] working on one thousand [[unix]] workstations to come up with seizure enducing filler. |
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| − | |||
| − | ==Characters== |
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| − | *[[Allah Ackbar]] |
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| − | *[[Anakin Skywalker|Little Orphan Annie Crywhiner]] |
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| − | *[[Boba Fett|Bubba Fett]] - the greatest booty hunter of the universe |
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| − | *[[C-3PO]] - a pleasure droid who got his golden looks from the huge number of golden showers performed on him by Obi-wan Kenobi |
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| − | *[[Count Dooku|Count Poopoo]] - corpophiliac muppet that attempts to turn the Universe into one big pile of [[shit]]. |
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| − | *[[Prince (artist)|Darth Ridiculous]] - a midget Shit Lord formerly known as [[Symbol]] |
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| − | *[[Darth Vader|Darth Spader]] |
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| − | *[[Jango Fett|Jangly Feet]] - Bubba Fett's Mom. |
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| − | *[[Luke Skywalker|Fluke Crywhiner]] - a hero with a dopey haircut and very gay garments. Claims to know of the Force, but the only force he ever has known is Obi-wan Kenobi's up his butt |
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| − | *[[Han Solo|Ham Solo]] - A lishus slice of ham that comes for the planet of Fridge. |
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| − | *[[darth maul]] a printing error which turned out for the better.was originally supposed to be a shopping mall on tatooine,where tatoo shops are abundant.anakin got his "DUCK VADER" tatoo there.the shopping mall is now named"the dunk mall". |
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| − | *[[Jabba the Hut|Jabba the Slut]] |
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| − | *[[Jar-Jar Binks|Jibba-Jabba Rinks]] Jabba's Ebonic-speaking home-boy. |
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| − | *[[Chewbacca|Jewbacca]] - a Jewish super-sized Ewok who is famous for his acting skills, probably the best in the series |
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| − | *[[Mace Windu|The Amazing Windex]] Token black Jedi with a secret identity as a badass pimp. |
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| − | *[[Master Cyphadias|Master Syphallis]] - Jedi master long dead of some random, unnamed disease before even the Prequels begin |
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| − | *[[Nute Gunray|Newt Reagan]] Bit part written for the former President turned "actor", this character had just two lines, and they were stolen from Monty Python. |
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| − | *[[Bib Fortuna|O Bib Fortuna]] This "Twilek" performed tentacle hentai all over Jabba the Slut's harem |
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| − | *[[Obi-Wan Kenobi|Obi-One Kenobi]] - the Grandmaster gay pedophile himself, using his "Force" a little here, a little there and inside pretty everyone |
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| − | *[[Obi-Two Kenobi]] - a Shemale jedimaster from Transooine |
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| − | *[[Obi-Three Bendover]] - the bastard child of Obi-1 and Obi-2 - so sexually degenerated he was born in a bend-over position, and has remained so ever since |
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| − | *[[Qui-Gon Jinn|Que-Gone Gin]] - a pathetic alcoholic Jesus-figure with Parkinson's disease who really only is concerned where the fuck he left his last bottle of gin |
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| − | *[[Queen Amidala|Queen AbuDhabi]] - an African albino crack whore who falls in love with Little Orphan Annie Skywalker. |
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| − | *[[R2-D2]] - this droid started out as a small toaster and got developed into a mobile dustbin by Dupe Skywalker . Later, Obi-One Kenobi bought him, and modified him into a fully-fledged blowjob machine for his own sick pleasures. |
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| − | *[[Wedge Antilles|Wedgie Pantaloons]] The butt of many jokes. |
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| − | *[[Yoda|Yogart]] - a green little evil mobleader he is. Born on Dagobah he was. Ridiculous speech he has. No-one understand him can. Nobody about him cares. |
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| − | *[[Glazer]] - The Sith Lord with no baws. He dies in the battle of Kilbarchan, slain by the powerful Jedi Craddock. |
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| − | ==Movies== |
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| − | ===Main Movies=== |
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| − | [[Image:Leia_chewbacca_baseball.jpg|thumb|250px|right|Deleted scene from "'''Star Wars 34: Revenge of the Boston Red Sox'''".]] |
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| − | *Star Wars I: ''"The Phantom Penis"''. |
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| − | :After George Luckass came back from his acid trip on which he made episodes IV-VI, he realized that he was too much of a dumbass to start at I. The machines send R2-D2 back in time to kill the future father of the future leader of the future resistance; [[Anakin Skywalker|Little Orphan Annie Crywhiner]]. [[Microsoft]] tries to assert its monopoly over Software on [[Naboob]]. [[Midichlorians|Midi-borians]] are born in the gutter of Que-Gone Gin's dusty mind. [[Microsoft]] tries to assert its [[monopoly]] over [[Software]] on [[Naboo]]. Obi-One Kenobi, Obi-Two Kenobi and their son Obi-Three Bendover are sent out to save the day but are annoyed to death by [[Jar-jar Binks|Jibba-Jabba Rinks]]. [[Darth Maul|Darth Ridiculous]] commits Hari-kiri with the help of Obi John, who himself survives by eating both his ears. There is E.T in the scene.(to let you people know). |
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| − | *Star Wars II: ''""Attack of the Clowns"''. |
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| − | :[[Queen Amidala|Queen LemmeFeelaYa]] pisses off [[Anakin Skywalker|Little Orphan Annie Crywhiner]], who has become a total geek who isn't getting any. Since most [[Ninji]] are slackers at this time, [[Chancellor Palpatine|Chancellor Palpatate]] orders an army of [[clowns]] to handle the situation. |
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| − | *Star Wars III: ''"Revenge of the Shit"''. |
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| − | :Jedien kill the whole crew of a peaceful yacht, the [[Millenium Falcon]], with the help of R2-D2, who's real name turns out to be Deeper Blue. The CIS (Confederacy of Independent Safeways) base on [[Dubitard]] is completely overrun by peace troopers. [[Mace Windu|The Amazing Windex]] hacks into the [[Death Star]] and steal the plans for the base so they can send it back in time to 1983 to create an alternate timeline, but is put down by a playa-hata. [[Anakin Skywalker|Little Orphan Annie Crywhiner]] decides to change his life in a very real, very fundamental way. Yes, [[Anakin Skywalker|Little Orphan Annie Crywhiner]] wants to be a cool [[hacker]] too and decides the best way to do this is to start wearing [[black]] and use the alias [[Darth Vader|Darth Spader]], abandoning his past completely. |
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| − | *Star Wars IV: ''"A New Pope"''. |
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| − | :[[Luke Skywalker|Fluke Crywhiner]] meets [[R2-D2]] and [[C-3PO]] on [[Tatooine]]. They hire [[Han Solo|Ham Solo]] to fly them the fuck out of that shithole and accidentally end up killing [[Alderaan|Balderaan]] in a fly-by shooting. Fate brings them to the [[Death Star]] on which C-3PO dies a horrible death at the hands of [[Darth Vader|Darth Spader]], but not before Spader gets a chance to exploit the fact that C-3P0's eye sockets were removable, exposing an orifice perfect for penetration. |
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| − | *Star Wars V: ''"The Emperor Smokes Crack"''. |
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| − | :The forces of darkness causes our heroes to go on a skiing trip to the planet Hot! where they build tents out of the local animal life. [[Princess Leia|Leia Organ]] falls in love with her brother Dupe Skywalker, and a relationship founded on incest soon develops. Dupe moves to the Dadoba system where the former mafia leader [[Yoda|Yo!da!]] tries to teach him it's better to give up on your friends and live in a swamp. Dupe decides to go after his friends anyway and loses an arm-wrestling match against his father, Jabba the Slut. |
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| − | *Star Wars VI: ''"Return of the Ninji"''. |
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| − | :Same shit, different galaxy: Dupe Skywalker rescues [[Han Solo|Ham Solo]] and Leia from Jabba the Slut. He decides to retire to a small moon called [[Endor|Vendor]] and start a teddy bear farm. The Emperor flies the [[reincarnation]] of the [[Death Star]] there and Dupe convinces his father that people who have lightning shooting out of their fingers are not to be trusted. Dupe succeeds where his father failed and rules all the galaxy. |
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| − | ===Follow-up movies=== |
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| − | *Star Wars VII: ''"The Roo People's Revenge After the Colonies Strike Back in the Battle with the Evilduers on the surface of YourAnus just to defeat the rebels also know as the ones from that plantet or just awesomeness and stuff"''. |
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| − | :Fluke Crywhiner, Leia Organ, and Link encounter a temporal anomaly occupying several variable states of quantum flux simultaneously, and exponentially devouring space itself. After docking with it, they take measurements and samples and move on. Link assures that this is not the Force, but the Triforce, and [[Ganondorf]] has something to do with the problem. |
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| − | *Star Wars: Episode VIII: The Return of the Attack of the Jedis of Yavidae Vs. an Army of Cow-bots in Disguise |
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| − | :Fluke Crywhiner and The Amazing Windex attempt to travel back in time to rescue Yo!Da! from being dropped as a baby, but instead wind up in germany during [[World War II]]. They are forced to live out the rest of their natural lives underground. |
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| − | *[[Star Wars Holiday]]: ''"The Christmas Special"'' |
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| − | :A team of stealth ninjas assasinate Saint Nicholos as part of a daring bid to re-start the galactic conflict. Dupe Skywalker is faced a difficult decision; to save the galaxy by donning the red suit, or to stick true to his Jewish roots together with Jewbacca. In the end, the heathenistic Ham Solo (played in this episode by fifteen stray cats taped together) saves the day. |
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| − | *Star Wars X: ''"The Ewok's Lament"'' |
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| − | :The story of a young [[ewok]] named Wicket W. Bush (Dubs to his friends) and his life in wartorn [[Iran]] during the [[1980's]]. He secretly meets with [[Saddam Hussein]] to plan the destruction of America and to bring the gospel of [[intelligent design]] to the infidels. Hilarity and hawt ewok sex ensue. |
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| − | *Star Wars: Episode ICUP: ''"Pleasure Bot Island"'' |
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| − | :A group of Storm Troopers and [[Jewbacca]] have a full-scale orgy on a sexy, Hawaiian planetary star system called [[WeaGunnaFukuUp]] sector 8. 8 different bots perform multiple pleasures on them, and are shocked when [[Jewbacca's]] love juice drowns 2 helpless WeaGunnaFukuUpian's. Ends with a brief, but shocking nude pose of Dupe Skywalker and [[Santa]]. Bonus DVD includes never before seen orgies featuring [[Satan]] and [[Luckass]] himself. |
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| − | ==Units== |
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| − | Star Wars has a lot of nice units flying round in many different shapes, sizes, speeds, and colors. |
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| − | Most of them can be defeated by a Orange Clean spray though. However, that action will result in some bad guys' |
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| − | attention, who will sue you and give you a heat stroke. You will then be dead thanks to Star Wars. |
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| − | ===The Death Spa=== |
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| − | The Death Spa is one of the most impressive units of the Star Wars universe and mostly called |
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| − | an ugly death. |
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| − | Like the name implies, it is a dead spa, the size of a small muffin. |
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| − | In its early days, the Death Spa's purpose was killing other muffins for pleasing its commander Grand Muffin Tarkin et. al. For killing other muffin, the Death Spa had a special weapon called the "Super Deodorant", which is utterly devastating to muffins, insofar, that it releases a gazillion of fart gases and vaporizes and makes the target muffin smell. |
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| − | Of course, like any other super weapon the Death Spa has a weakness. |
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| − | This, however, will be revealed in the next episode. |
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| − | Or not. The Death Spa's weakness is frosting! Put frosting on the muffin and it will be tasty, resulting in a good treat for the people that frosted it. Yum, frosting.. |
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| − | ===Star Creators=== |
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| − | Star Creators are another very important unit of the Star Wars universe. |
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| − | They are an integral part of creating Death Stars, or more accuratly dead stars. |
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| − | Star Creators have so much firepower that they shoot more energy with a single |
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| − | Heavy Turbo Laser shot than their reactor can generate. |
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| − | Of course this violates the 1,434,234,542,058,209,453,829,450,283,450,284,750,284,509,287,454,651st law of Thurgo-Die Namics, for which fans have invented hypermatter to explain all the unknown things. Hypermatter is explained in more detail in the book titled ''The Big Book About Nothing''. |
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| − | Star Creators have the shape of a slice of cheese because of Bob Shorts's pregnancy cravings while filming the series. They also have two dorsal spikes which serve as FM radio antennaes for picking up Kiss 108. And also have a radioactive core that explodes on impact with high sugar energy drinks. Solar energy is the most highly effetive of all enery drinks. Yay, sunlight! |
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| − | The Star Creators are fun to eat since they taste exactly like cheese; that is their 1 weakness! That and the energy drinks... ...of course. |
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| − | ==Races== |
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| − | [[Image:Doublechair.jpg|thumb|120px|right|A person. A Monster is in the background, with a modified battlestick.]] |
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| − | [[Image:Robot.jpg|thumb|right|120px|A robot slave]] |
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| − | [[Image:Goodthing21.jpg|thumb|right|120px|A common monster]] |
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| − | ===People=== |
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| − | In the Star Wars universe, one who resembles a [[human]] is known as a [[Person]] (''pl. People''). They are the ugliest of creatures known to live, but have wit that would make you laugh hysterially. |
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| − | ===Jedien=== |
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| − | A person who is among the ruling elite has the opportunity to become a [[Jedi]] (''pl. Jedien''). The jedi weapon of choice is the [[#Battlesticks|Battlestick]], and sometimes a [[spork]]. |
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| − | ===Robots=== |
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| − | Robots in the Star Wars universe are programmed to be a total pain in the ass and are given guns and tasks such as being killed by [[Jedi|Jedien]]. Despite being seemingly infinite in number, Robots can never beat [[Jedi]], because whenever they try, they just end up being killed. There really is no compromise. In fact, the only time a Robot ''nearly'' beat a Jedi, he ran out of Preperation H but at the same time the universe ended. True story. See [[the equation of certain doom at an inappropriate time]]. |
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| − | ===Monsters=== |
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| − | Anything not a Person or a Robot is a [[Monster]] (''pl. Monsters''). Monsters can always interbreed, and have produced several popular [[breed|breeds]], such as [[Ewok|Ewoks]], [[Politcal partisans]], [[Hutt|Hutts]], and [[Twi'lek|Twi'leks]]. All robots must obey the [[5 Laws of Monsterdom]].Also see [[Howard Stern]]. |
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| − | ===Ewoks & Woopies=== |
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| − | Ewoks (short for Electrical woks) are actually small degenerated Woopies. Woopies (like Jewbacca) are actually large degenerated Ewoks. How this evolutionary theory hangs together, I leave totally to Darwin and his bedfellows. |
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| − | ===Jawas=== |
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| − | Jawas are very short, strange-speaking, disguised Islamic terrorists on Tatooine, who accidentally make great coffee. The only thing they do except making coffee is pillaging, pillaging, pillaging...you know, like folks in Iraq. |
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| − | ==Stuff== |
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| − | ===Telekinesis=== |
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| − | In the Star Wars universe, telekinesis is used to make solid objects such as midgets fly about with reckless abandon and self-combust within three feet of Jar Jar Binks. The more explosions there are, the better the scene. Lucas himself received a lifetime special achievement award from the Director's Guild for his use of no less than three hundred explosions in a single scene. In Star Wars fandom, that particular scene is known as, "The scene which won the [[Oscar Wilde|Oscar]]" or "Lots of stuff blowing up so we could win an oscar even though it cost us around the same amount of money as the national debt but thats ok because at least we got to blow stuff up." |
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| − | ===Battlesticks=== |
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| − | Warriors like Darth Ridiculous and Darth Hilarious use multicoloured sticks (see: [[Pez]] dispensers) to fight each other. While using their weapons, they make humming noises with their mouths, and usually the one who makes the most impressive noise wins the duel. The black guy dies in the third movie because his battlestick isn't blue like the others. Instead he has a purple one... obviously, this gives him a disadvantage: He was killed when he tried to usurp the throne of Darth Ridiculous because he forgot that purple < (red * blue^3). |
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| − | ==Original manuscript== |
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| − | It has been a well hidden secret that the original script of Star Wars was '''explicitly sexual'''. [[George Lucas]] himself even admits to this saying "If I had total control over the script, Star Wars would have taken a more sexual, kinky form." But, thanks to resourceful uncyclopedians, the original manuscript can now finally be revealed. |
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| − | Here are examples co-producers of Star Wars never intended to be known to the public: |
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| − | * Obi-wan Kenobi was a gay pedophile. The original lines in the cantina were: |
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| − | ''Solo: "What's the cargo?"<br>'' |
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| − | ''Kenobi: "Just me, the boy and these two pleasure droids. And no questions asked."'' |
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| − | * The Death Star was a large sexual torture chamber: |
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| − | ''Skywalker: But she (princess Leia) has been scheduled for penetration!<br>'' |
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| − | ''Solo: Better her than me!'' |
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| − | |||
| − | * Frequent notes on sex with animals, with Solo as the pimp: |
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| − | ''Leia: "I'd just as soon fuck a Wookiee!"<br>'' |
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| − | ''Solo: "I can arrange that! You could use a good fuck!".'' |
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| − | |||
| − | * The Rebel fighters belonged to a sexually depraved sect:<br> |
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| − | (An X-wing pilot having sex with his co-pilot):<br> |
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| − | ''"Almost there...almost there...it's away. Negative. It didn't go in. I just impacted on the surface."'' |
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| − | |||
| − | * Luke having a threesome with his Rebel counterparts: |
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| − | ''Rebel: "Luke, at that speed will you be able to pull out in time?"''<br> |
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| − | ''Luke: "Get clear, Wedge; you can't do any more good back there!"''<br> |
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| − | |||
| − | * Yoda was Luke's sexual teacher, and his genitalia were enormous. Yoda was the active, Luke the passive, unwilling. |
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| − | ''Luke: I can't do it. It's too big.<br>'' |
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| − | ''Yoda: Judge me by my size, do you? There is no try. Do, or do not.<br>'' |
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| − | ''Luke: You ask the impossible.'' |
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| − | |||
| − | * Han and Chewbacca got VERY close: |
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| − | ''Han: You've got something jammed in here real good.<br>'' |
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| − | ''Chewie: Growl'' |
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| − | |||
| − | * Han passing wid during anal sex with Chewie: |
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| − | ''"What an incredible smell you've discovered!..."'' |
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| − | |||
| − | * Leia commenting on Han having sex with Chewie: |
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| − | ''Leia: You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought!''<br> |
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| − | |||
| − | * Han ejaculating in front of Chewie: |
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| − | ''"Lick it up, fuzzball!"'' |
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| − | |||
| − | * Han during a threesome with C-3PO and Chewie: |
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| − | ''C-3PO: "Sir, it's quite possible this position is not entirely stable."''<br> |
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| − | ''Han: "Not entirely stable? Well, I'm glad you're here to tell us these things. Chewie, take the professor in the back and plug him into the hyperdrive!"'' |
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| − | |||
| − | * C-3PO commenting the rough threesome afterwards: |
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| − | ''C-3PO: "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."''<br> |
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| − | ''R2-D2: "[Series of beeps]"''<br> |
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| − | ''C-3PO: "Of course I've looked better!"'' |
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| − | |||
| − | * The rebels always suspected Luke of being homosexual: |
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| − | ''Rebel: It's possible he came through the south entrance.'' |
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| − | |||
| − | * Luke filmed Han and Leia's sex tapes: |
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| − | ''Han: I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?'' |
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| − | |||
| − | * Emperor Palpatine, showing his large genitals to Luke Skywalker: |
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| − | ''"You want this, don't you?"'' |
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| − | |||
| − | * Jabba was actually Leia's slave. |
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| − | ''Jabba: ''Stop pulling on my chain...'' (he says this in another language - not subtitled) |
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| − | |||
| − | * Anakin commenting on his wild rape escapade: |
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| − | ''"I raped them. I raped them all. Every single one of them. And not just the men, but the women, and the children too! They're like animals, and I raped them like animals!"'' |
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| − | |||
| − | * Anakin and Obi-Wan fight over sex positions: |
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| − | ''Obi-Wan: "It's over Anakin. I have the high ground!"''<br> |
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| − | ''Anakin: "You underestimate my power!"'' |
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| − | |||
| − | ==See also== |
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| − | *[[Sith|Shit Lords]] |
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| − | *[[Star Wars Kid]] |
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| − | *[[Stephen Hawking]] |
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| − | *[[Ronald Reagan]] |
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| − | *[[Mcintosh]] |
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| − | *[[Star Wars Marital Aids]] |
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| − | *[[Give it up you'll never be in a Star Wars movie]] |
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| − | *[[Star Trak]] |
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| − | *[[Clone Army partnerships]] |
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| − | *[[Star Wars Manifesto]] |
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| − | *[[Dates in Star Wars]] |
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| − | *[[Stare Wars]] |
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| − | *[[Wookieepedia]] |
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| − | |||
| − | [[Category: Movies]][[Category: Science Fiction]] |
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Revision as of 01:13, 14 February 2006
I love Star Wars!