User:Yuubel/The Wheel of Time

The Wheel of Time series was written by by Robert Jordan. Well, not all of it. Most of it. Why I hear you ask? I say: "The bastard must have died."

And guess what? He didn't even put his real name on the books! He must have been worried about people rioting his house from the sheer awesomeness of his books. Though his Wikipedia page does give his real name. Gits.

Books

Summary

Right, have you read the Lord of the Rings? If no, there must be a page knocking around somewhere. If yes, Imagine Middle-Earth. Then make Sauron about a zillion times more badass and name him Dark One. Then make all the women obsessed with not understanding men and "smoothing their skirts" and vice versa. (Except the smoothing skirts thing. That would be awesome though). Now make the armies ten times bigger. Good. Now there are loads more magicky people and they are so much more awesome (especially those Asha'man... *sigh* Logain... I'm in love... ). Then make all the nobles OBSESSED with politics and themselfs. Then add 400 million characters and loads of pointless stuff that makes the series completely impossible to explain in around an hour. Lastly, add several thousand million giga tons of complete awesomeness, a mentally disturbed three-timer with one arm missing, a "One-Eyed fool", and a manipulative bitch with power. THAT, my friends, is the...

WASTE OF TIME!

Seriously, I wasted a year reading through them with people ripping out pages JUST when Moiraine revealed her love to Thom and I didn't even get to read Mat's reaction! Then again when Rand gets attacked by a Trolloc and only until later I found out THE TROLLOC COULD SPEAK! All that had to be said has been said, my friends. I mean WTH? A talking Trolloc is about as rare as a rainbow diamond in the shape of a Komodo dragon found in a pig trough for tiny duck-billed platypuses with scintilating coal cat collars and an infinite amount of heads that prey exclusively on small renegade keyholes, filled with ambrosia and nectar that's been thrown up by unicorn, consumed by the Stick Of Destiny, pooed out in a forest of toffee apple trees and absorbed by trees, then the trees were chopped down to make paper on which were written some horribly important orders to the Vogons, that were then sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public enquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three month and recycled as firelighters. THAT'S how impossible they are.

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Sorry. I'll calm down now. It was probably that Irn Bru... Sent me loopy!

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The Eye of the World

All the main characters (See Characters) live in this isolated place called the Two Rivers, which mainly produces wool and tabac. Then it gets attacked. By Trollocs. Which are nine feet tall. And kinda like humans. Except not really. (That's all the description we get.) So, this woman called Moiraine

A Memory of Light

That pretty much sums up the series. Now stop bugging me or I'll tear your eyes out with a pointed stick.

Characters

The Main Main Characters

Matrim (Mat) Cauthon

Where to start... I'll just be lazy and use this link: Mat Cauthon

Da Perring

As you are aware he is not called that. His real name is Perrin Aybara. When I was typing the name once I accidentally added a g. Sorry.

Anywhoo, Perrin is probably the most normal person in the entire series. He's not mad, he can't do any magicky stuff, he doesn't drink, gamble, randomly kill people for no reason, shout at the world from the top of a mountain until he finds love is the answer though he does smoke. He's married to someone called Faile. Says it all really.

The only vaguely odd things about him are that people for some reason keep on thinking he's a Darkfriend. I really don't know why.

See? Completely normal. Not sure that hammer should be glowing though.