User:Taiwan/Private Railways
Japan’s private railways (私鉄, lit. “companies that print money using trains”) make up the chaotic neutral side of Japanese transportation. Unlike JR, which pretends to act like a responsible adult, private railways operate like a bunch of regional crime families who realized trains were more profitable than gambling—so they just combined the two.
Private railways in Japan are less “transportation companies” and more “megacorporations that just happen to run trains between the hotels, malls, amusement parks, stadiums, cable cars, resort islands, real estate empires, bowling alleys, and cat cafés they also own.”
They’re like Disney, but instead of Mickey Mouse you get a limited-edition IC card mascot named “Faretto-kun,” a rabbit with dead, unblinking eyes.
Tokyu Corporation – The Silicon Valley of Railways[edit | edit source]
Tokyu’s vibe is: “What if a train company also controlled your housing, shopping, education, birth, rebirth, spiritual alignment, and immortality?”
They build towns from scratch.
Entire towns.
You do not move to a Tokyu suburb. You are absorbed into it.
Everything is Tokyu-branded, from the department store to the escalator to the air molecules. The trains are so clean that dust refuses to spawn out of respect.
Keio – The Railway of College Kids and Salarymen Tears[edit | edit source]
Keio operates like a group project where everyone showed up but still somehow failed. Trains are reliable but also carry the heaviest concentration of Sunday exam panic in the nation.
Keio has the vibe of a company that really wanted to be Tokyu but instead became “Tokyu Lite™.”
Seibu – The Theme Park Cult[edit | edit source]
Seibu owns:
- Trains
- Resorts
- Hotels
- Baseball teams
- A zoo
- A cable car
- Half of Saitama, probably
Seibu’s business model is simple:
“Ride our train. Now stay at our resort. Now buy a discounted package to our theme park. Now buy our baseball merch. Now eat at our restaurant. Now pay the exit fee.”
Seibu is the closest Japan has to an economic black hole.
Odakyu – People Who Spend More Time on Romancecar Than With Their Families[edit | edit source]
Odakyu’s Romancecar is named after the emotion people feel toward anything that isn’t commuting on the regular Odakyu line.
Their entire corporate identity is tied to the fact that they run trains to Hakone, which means their passengers are:
- Couples going on awkward weekend dates
- People pretending they enjoy hiking
- Rich old guys who think “private railway” means “private jet”
Their trains are beautiful. Their schedule is pain.
Keikyu – The Fastest Way to Die Without Dying[edit | edit source]
Keikyu trains accelerate like they’re reenacting the opening scene of The Fast & The Furious: Yokohama Drift.
Keikyu drivers treat speed limits as suggestions.
They treat curves as rumors.
They treat the laws of physics as a personal challenge.
Keikyu’s entire brand is:
“We’ll get you to the airport. We will not guarantee your spinal alignment during the process.”
Keihan – Kyoto’s Most Boring Overachiever[edit | edit source]
Keihan is the kid in class who got perfect grades but was somehow forgettable.
They’re actually one of the most well-run railways in Japan.
They also have the charisma of a laminated user manual.
Their passengers include:
- Tourists who got lost
- Locals who can’t afford JR West’s mood swings
- People who genuinely enjoy beige color palettes
Kintetsu – The Continent-Sized Railway That Won’t Stop Expanding[edit | edit source]
Kintetsu operates trains to:
- Osaka
- Kyoto
- Nara
- Nagoya
- Ise
- Your backyard
- The moon (allegedly, unconfirmed)
Their network is so large it feels like they’re trying to colonize the entire Kansai region.
Kintetsu’s business model:
“If we lay track everywhere, eventually you’ll have to ride us.”
Nankai – The Airport Delivery Service That Also Pretends to Be a Railway[edit | edit source]
Nankai exists primarily to send tourists directly to Kansai Airport so they can immediately regret their hotel choices.
Nankai trains are:
- Fast
- Clean
- Full of confused foreigners dragging five suitcases
Hanshin – Trains for Baseball Fans With Anger Issues[edit | edit source]
No railway represents its baseball team better.
No company has more emotionally unstable passengers per square kilometer.
If the Hanshin Tigers win:
- The train cars become a mobile festival If the Hanshin Tigers lose:
- The train cars become a mobile funeral
Hankyu – The Purple Aristocrats[edit | edit source]
Hankyu is purple.
Hankyu is rich.
Hankyu is proud of being purple and rich.
Their trains are so fancy they make JR West cry in third-class Kansai shame.
Passengers include:
- Wealthy Kyoto grandmas
- University students pretending they’re wealthy Kyoto grandmas
- Theatre kids going to Takarazuka
Recurring Traits of All Japanese Private Railways[edit | edit source]
1. They all own department stores. Why? Who knows.[edit | edit source]
Every major private railway has a mall attached to its main station.
JR: “We run trains.”
Private railways: “We run the nation’s GDP.”
2. They all have an army of mascots[edit | edit source]
Somewhere in each corporate office sits a haunted plushie controlling the CEO.
3. They all have one line that is inexplicably cursed.[edit | edit source]
Delayed every day.
Never explained.
Possibly built on ancient burial grounds.
4. They all think their IC card is better than Suica.[edit | edit source]
It is not.
None of them are.
Suica is the One Ring.
5. They run the cleanest trains in the world but also the pettiest rivalries.[edit | edit source]
Keihan vs Hankyu is basically “the cold war but with punctuality spreadsheets.”