User:Periodone/The Lady of Shalott
“She didn't want to be bulimic until I was bulimic.”
“Whoops, Mah B.”
“That is it! I have had with these motha-fucking dead chicks in these motha-fucking boats!”
“Yeah about that...I was drunk, it was a mistake.”
The Lady of Shalott, born Boris Shalott on March 8th, 1896, was the youngest of two mean stepsisters. She was so ugly that her mother died instantly after giving birth to her. Her father remarried, but she never really fit in with her new mother and sisters. They made her do the dishes and clean out the cat litter with her bare hands. The Lady of Shalott is also known as the Lady of Scallops, mostly because of a birth defect that caused her head to become seashell shaped. That had always made it difficult when it came to dating so she had no choice but to become asexual. Too bad so sad. Ironically, actually, it's not ironic at all, but The Lady of Shalott was cast as the original Little Mermaid until they found child porn in her bedroom.
Her family was so disgusted with her they locked her in a tall tower hoping she'd quietly die without anyone knowing. That was understandable considering their daughter/son (she was a transvestite), was addicted to child porn, heroin, and cutting herself. Just as the Lady of Shalott was throwing up her breakfast (she was also bulimic), her two sisters Ciara and Nicole Richie told her that Lancelot had just arrived at their castle. The Lady of Shalott quickly brushed her teeth and ran down the tower to greet a potential mate. It turns out that Lancelot was really Lance Bass and since he was gay and she was part man there weren't really any issues between them. They spent loads of nights watching Steel Magnolias and Bridges of Madison County while sipping hot cocoa and caressing each other's hands. It was approximately fourteen minutes from then when they elected to get married. The theme of their wedding was a combination of My Little Pony, Bratz, and Girl Power. They danced to the song, "I'm a Barbie Girl." Everything was pink, purple, or a pastel. They went on to give birth to all five of the Spice Girls, including the black one. One day, while the Lady of Shalott was going to Camelot by boat to see her daughters perform their smash hit, "Spice Up Your Life," she died instantly. Turns out she had a curse about not being allowed to look at Camelot. Lance proceeded to remarry Aaron Carter and nobody missed they Lady of Shalott. Ever.
Some Background Information[edit | edit source]
The Lady of Shalott is an upbeat and cheery tale of a small child who was bitten by a radioactive spider while hanging precariously onto the Empire State Building as 1933 fighter planes shot viciously at King Kong as he was trying to steal the book of secrets from her in order to steal the treasure of the Magi. The curse of the Pharaoh was quickly enacted as King Kong took the book from her bodice. As soon as the book was removed she quickly became cursed and was no longer allowed to look upon Camelot. If she did her eyes would fall out and fire would rain down from the sky. She resorted to watching the daytime soap opera “As Camelot Turns” to get her daily fix of the local hotties.
While watching last Thursday’s episode, the Lady realized that she was truly, madly, and deeply in love with Sir Lancelot. The only problem to her love was the affections of the local teen harlot Gwen, also known as the Fair Lady of thou Street Corner. The next day while watching “As Camelot Turns,” Lancelot came on and said “We are in need of a new hottest kid in ye olde town, so if you feel like you’re up to it, skip your chores tomorrow and come down to Ye Olde Tavern and audition.
The Lady of Shalott knew that she had to come down to audition but she didn’t know how to get to Camelot. She blindfolded herself and started walking to Camelot, hitting many trees on the way. Finally, she heard the bustling sounds of Camelot and was helped to Ye Olde Tavern where she entered and asked for an audition. It was granted, but in order to become the new Hottest Kid in Ye Olde Town she had to have a dance off with Gwen. On live TV. The show was to air right after House on FOX. As the dance battle progressed the lady quickly came out on top. After a long 24 hours of dancing, most of which Jack Bauer spent protecting the queen, the Lady of Shalott finally won.
Gwen was defeated and Lancelot fell madly in love with the Lady. Everything she ever dreamed about while locked up in her tower was finally coming true. The Lady wanted badly to kiss Lancelot, and he seemed willing, so she pecked his cheek. It turned into a full blown make-out fest and before she knew what happened, her blindfold was off and her eyeballs promptly fell out as she died a painful death.
Her true love, Lancelot died shortly after, not because he couldn't live without her, but because one of the many balls of fire raining down from the sky landed near him and all the hairspray in his hair caught fire.
Hobbies[edit | edit source]
The Lady of Shalott pretty much spent most of her time in her tower listening to emo bands like Hawthorne Heights, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, and Panic! at the Disco. It was soon after that she began cutting so that she "could forget about all of the pain life was bringing her," wearing way too much eyeliner, and purchasing far too many pieces of checkered clothing. It is rumored that The Lady of Shalott was also an avid cult member and High School Musical buff. It has indeed been proven that the Lady of Shalott was, in fact, a back-up dancer in the music video for "Hit Me Baby, One More Time," by Britney "Syphilis" Spears. In her spare time the Lady also enjoyed sulking, researching Mexican cuisine, and attempting to belly-dance.
Her Road to Fame[edit | edit source]
The Lady of Shalott initially tried to land a spot on American Idol. She claimed her voice was a stunningly beautiful combination of Mariah Carey and Michael Bolton. As soon as she uttered her first note, all glass items in the room shattered. Simon compared Shalott's voice to "the sound of a cow being slaughtered." It was at this point that the Lady of Shalott burst out in tears and began bleeding black. However, this was not the end of the road for this future diva, little did she know that she'd score a mega record deal. It turns out that the Lady of Shalott was the next William Hung, lucky her, poor every one else. Shalott wasn't satisfied with that success, she went on to host her own cooking show, "Sautee-ing with Shalott," after being the first person voted off on both Survivor and America's Next Top Model. Her show ran for a full half-season before being canceled due to "unknown reasons." The real reason it was canceled is because she felt the need to have her own distinguishing feature of the show, similar to Emeril Lagasse's signature "BAM!" Her little trademark was yelling, "I fucking hate Jews!," which was not well-received. The Lady of Shalott still lives on as she's got her own episode of "Where are they Now?" on E!
Singles[edit | edit source]
The Lady of Shalott pretended she could sing in her spare time. When asked, she told us that she intended to re-release the following band's songs:
- 1. High School Musical
- 2. Hawthorne Heights
- 3. Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus
- 4. The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
- 5. Panic! at the Disco
- 6. Britney Spears
- 7. N*SYNC
- 8. The Backstreet Boys
- 9. Hanson
- 10. My Chemical Romance
- 11. The Jonas Brothers
- 12. My Mom
She also expressed that we tell you that her CD will, "unfortunately," not be available for purchase anytime soon. Or ever.
Heroes[edit | edit source]
After her untimely death, Lance discovered a box full of posters. These posters were considered to be of the Lady of Shalott's idols. These posters included (in no order):
- 1. The Cast of High School Musical
- 2. The Rocky Horror Picture Show
- 3. Edgar Allan Poe
- 4. Hannah Montana
- 5. Hawthorne Heights
- 6. Barney
- 7. The Fairly Odd Parents
- 8. The Powerpuff Girls
- 9. Christina Aguilera
- 10. Tinkerbell
- 11. Hitler
- 12. Your Mom
The Cast of the Upcoming Lady of Shalott Movie[edit | edit source]
- The Lady of Shalott - Kathie Lee Gifford
- Lancelot - Willie Nelson
- Queen Guinevere - Paris Hilton
- King Arthur - Jesse McCartney
- Torres - Richard Simmons
- Lavinge - Maury Povich
- Knight 1 - Regis Philbin
- Knight 2 - Ricki Lake
- Old Witch in the Woods - Oprah Winfrey
- Big Papa Shalott - 50 Cent
Little Known Facts About The Lady of Shalott[edit | edit source]
- she's Ashlee Simpson
- She lost the role of Captain Jack Sparrow to Johnny Depp after failing a drug screen.
- Her lineage continued on until Hitler, where it stopped.
- The Y2K scare was a rumor that she started.
- She was the first contestant to lose "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?" without actually being asked a question.
- She and Emily Dickinson were pen pals.
- When Morpheus offered her the red pill or the blue pill, she took the latter.
- She had a cameo appearance in the movie "Jurassic Park."
- When asked by Oliver if he could "please have some more," she said no and then laughed.
- She is the 10th member of the band Slipknot (the deep voiced screaming in the background).
- She made Tiny Tim's leg lame.
- She shot JFK from the grassy knoll.
- She convinced the captain of the Titanic to go faster.
- She told the Nazis where Anne Frank was hiding.
- She is solely responsible for the deaths of tens of thousands of Ethiopian children...and she brags about it.
- Did I mention she's Ashlee Simpson?
- She was responsible for putting those mother-fucking snakes on that mother-fucking plane.
- She cut Achilles' tendon.
- She was the one John Wilkes Booth was aiming for when he missed and shot Lincoln.
- She hid the weapons of mass destruction from President Bush.
- She impregnated Jamie Lynn Spears.
- She's the reason George W. Bush became president.
- She is the reason Family Guy got canceled...twice.
- She leaked the rumor that Miley Cyrus was pregnant.
- She is Satan in disguise.
- She killed Superman.
- She is the reason Cher keeps touring.
- She is the reason that Britney Spears is not dead yet.
- She is the reason that Michael Jackson is a boy-hungry pedophile.
- Ronald McDonald is her real father.
- She is why "THIS IS SPARTA!"
- She did not have sexual relations with that woman.
- She is the reason FDR got Polio.
- She is the reason that Helen Keller was blind, deaf, and mute.
- She is the reason Hermie wanted to be a dentist.
- She gave George W. Bush the coke he did in college.
- She gave birth to Sylar and implanted the take over the world thought in his head.
- She's the reason for Gigli.
- Voldemort is working for her, screw that - she IS Voldemort.
- She killed Linguini, took Remy, forced him to cook a stew, and then threw him in it. It was delicious.
- She whispers "Seven Days" into the phone after you watch The Ring.
- She's the reason for High School Musical 2.
- She developed and released the T-virus.
- She killed Elvis.
- She invented n00bs.
- She is the reason Dr. House walks with a limp.
- She takes pride out of telling kids that Santa's not real.
- She likes kicking puppies.
- She made Topher Grace leave That '70s Show, thus ruining the series.
- They tried to make her go to rehab but she said no, no, no.
- She introduced John Lennon to Yoko Ono.
- She eats babies.
- She eats in front of Ethiopians...and doesn't share.
- Oh, and she's ASHLEE FUCKIN' SIMPSON