User:MissChief/Anal Street, Manchester

“I have attended several openings there, in an official capacity I assure you”

~ Noel Coward on Anal Street

An entire road of six buildings given over to the "The Gays", situated between the Madchester Open Sewer and Harrods (of Gaythorn Ltd). Also known on Ordnance Survey maps as 'Anal Treat'. The Gays are a homogonous species of media whores and gym bunnies whose diet includes steroids, free-range chickens and organic ketamine.

Early History

The road was first designated 'Ye Gaye Street' by the Department of Boys in 1411, after it's original name, 'Long Passage', was deemed too obvious by the Minister for Boys. The street was originally a narrow entry, and was a favoured haunt for Merchant Seamen (despite being located over thirty miles from the Irish Sea).

Facilities on Anal Street

• AXE, a bar where you can go to chop off various body parts. Dont touch the four-fingers of Vodka.
• Doppelganger, bar once known as More Nuts, now has no idea what it is. Popular with shrinks.
• Main Toe, the local chiropodists. Legendary place in Madchesters her-story for being the first openly gay bar with a real window.
• Man-Not, a bar with real men (NOT!).
• Sneer, a cocaine covered white chocolate bar decorated with white PVC, sticky-back plastic and cocaine flavoured chairs. Watch out for the naked pole dancer – a man from Poland who dances on your pole.
• Spiv-it. A wood and carpet showroom with a nice balcony over-looking a building site.
• Taudry, a place where you can wear bad clothes with impunity – only drinks made with Taurine are served.
• The All New Re New Brand New Old Union Canal Bar and Slaughterhouse. Madchesters oldest gay slaughterhouse.
• The Old Dutch Painters Arms and Legs. A hotel and bar built into the exhumed body of a celebrated painter.
• Velcro, a cloakroom where you are hung up by Velcro and injected with rocket salad and goats cheese puree.
• Vile Tosser, a GHB (Gay Hormonal Bikers) bar made from the left-overs of Madchester Cathedral. Formerly known as Vera’s-Top-off until the untimely death of Vera Duckworth, in lay-by just outside EcclesLardyBarmCake. Since, colloquially: 'Vera's Topped-It'.

Facilities nearby Anal Street

• Alana Touring Condom Park, a small patch of muddy grass (next door to the Sheena Easter College of Modern Girlerie) named after some bloke who once wore a wig while working on a touring computer expo. The park is a favourite bonking location for people who’ve met each other on Gay Street but haven’t got a home to go or can’t afford a hotel room. It hosts the annual ‘Muddy Grass’ festival (now defunct) and the occasional candle-lit vigil for people who’ve got a touch of the Ivy.
• ManHatton, bar celebrating the wonders of former Liverpool City Council leader. Scousers and their lovers only worship before a 100ft life-size statue of Derek (with life-like phallus). Bring your own magnifying glass.
• Dissentry, a late night dance club where you can get nasty diseases. Entry only permitted to people who take off their tops and wobble round in a trance for twelve hours.
• E-Den, a bar for lions which sells E.
• Hollinwood Show-off bar. Meeting place from transvestites from Hollinwood.
• Inpost, bar for gay postal workers. Their advert says: “Drop round to the InPost, the bar for who men and women and other types love to shove something long through your slot”.
• Leg-ends. A bar for gay butchers (and Pat Butchers) who have fetishes about scragg-ends of meat.
• Luna Bar, so far away from Anal Street it’s like a trip to the moon. Helmets provided.
• McTurckies, a five star burger bar restaurant with golden chip-fat fryers.
• Mother Earth, A bar for people who think they were born on this planet (Fools! We are all aliens from planet Youranus!)
• New Amsterdam New Amsterdam, a bar with no connection whatsoever to Amsterdam or Holland or anywhere else even remotely exotic. Features bar stools with built-in dildoes.
• Queenies Hotel, bar for people who think they are royalty.
• Snub (below Snooze), a leather dungeon showroom with real dragons.
• The Old French Emperor (same idea as Old Dutch Painter above), but you can only go in if you’ve got one arm (very popular with fisters).
• The Thompson Directory Bar, all the furniture is made from those old Thompson Directories left lying around outside other premises.
• Try-Beccy, a lesbian bar where Beccy is offered to all customers. One sniff of her apron is enough to induce ‘spontaneous lesbian orgastic trance state’ (SLOTS).
• Winstons, A bar for pensioners who remember the war.
• Woolfies, a lesbian bar for women who love wild dogs.

Historic Facilities in or near Anal Street

A large number of historic buildings and facilities exist in the surrounding area, which include:

• Belgian Muscles. An unpopular café for people who like chewing on Joan Clawed Van Dame’s muscles.
• CompanyMagazineBar, a bar made from old copies of Company Magazine (no naked flames).
• Dancey Carpets/Swish-ateria/Hide-Ya-Husband/Hose-down-ya-Husbands: a club that only existed in the minds of drug-fucked wankers.
• DoctorProd, a medical centre where you could have your bottom prodded on the National health.
• Busties, a legendary monthly night club for large mammaried laydees who liked the company of similar. Not to be confused with a lesbeechan club, these girls liked to be known as very gay.
• Feltch, a real clubnight with a truly comic name.
• Flush, legendary monthly club night which took place at the Hacienda. Every hour all the people on the dancefloor were flushed into the drainage system, the ghosts of some are still rumoured to haunt the lux-ury penthouse apartments built on the site.
• JohnDenvers. A cowboy bar which played constant re-runs of the popular Hollinwood un-safesex film ‘Bareback Mounting’
• Met-zan-eene, wooded foodbar below the level of the canal with it’s own luxurious coal barge. First restaurant to sell human faeces as a delicacy (proved very popular with the brown-nose brigade).
• Minceteria, legendary dance club lavishly decorated in tin-foil.
• Numero Uno, legendary dance club the size of a cupboard for people unable to count above one. Forget Ibiza foam-partiesa, this had Harpic toilet flood water scum over the floor.
• Paradise Lost, legendary dance club made of fire-doors.
• PieceOfEx-Press, a gay version of the popular chain, sold pizzas made from old journalists.
• Rush, a restaurant which served food laced with drugs.
• The Cage of Fools, first venue to play a Kyle record (“I should be so plucky”)
• Whippet-Up, Madchesters all-day afternoon club for dogs.