User:Hyperbole/Labor Day

Honor labor, by not doing any. Otherwise, Rosie here is gonna fuck you up.

Labor Day is an American holiday. It is considered the most deceptively-named holiday, as, on Labor Day, employees are expected to do no labor. It's sort of like having a Diversity Day at the office where you bring in a bunch of white guys and sit around watching NASCAR.

Americans are well-known as the world's busiest, most industrious people. The average American works 46-50 hours a week and makes about $20,000 a year. Interestingly, however, the average American who is reading this article works approximately four hours a week, tries to appear to be working for an additional twenty-five hours, and spends seventy hours looking at pornography.

Because the majority of Americans are so used to constant and unrelenting labor, Labor Day tends to confuse them. It forces them to try to find something to do with the surplus time. Their solutions to this problem have been... strange.

Ways Americans Spend Their Time on Labor Day

1. Meat.

Because it's Labor Day, this girl has some meat for you.

Many Americans - particularly the less creative Americans - devote Labor Day to eating large quantities of meat. Generally, this meat is consumed in the vicinity of grass.

To the untrained observer, this may not seem like a particularly time-consuming pastime, or something that can be used to fill an entire day. And the untrained observer would be correct. Fortunately, Americans have solved this problem with a subset of the "eating meat" pastime: talking about meat. The typical Labor Day conversation will look a little like this:

Wow, Frank, that's one nice piece of meat.

Thanks, Bob! I can't wait to eat this meat. It's been marinating since last night.

Yeah, that meat's looking real good, there on that grill. Starting to smell good, too.

I think we'll enjoy this meat after it's been thoroughly cooked.

Where'd you get that meat, anyway? That's such a nice piece of meat.

WinCo. They were having a sale on meat.

Right on. Well, that meat's just looking better and better every minute. I can't wait until that meat is done.

Unsurprisingly, fatalities due to meat poisoning increase 600% on Labor Day.

2. Wearing White.

American women generally dress like this on Labor Day, because it is the last day before this sort of attire becomes inappropriate.