Unundeads

“The act of lowering one's self to the status of undead then reminding them they are, in fact, alive. A very racist remark and in the non-living hands of an undead their most dangerous social weapon.”

~ Human perspective on Zombies

The unundead are a scourge to the undead society. Undead Biologists argue that the unundead are the natural predators of the undead, though what would they know? Being undead they would have had to have had their brains eaten at some point by a fellow member of undead society.

Conversely the unundead (who prefer to be known as 'super zombies') argue that the undead are a bunch of babies and deserve to have their faces shot off in grusome scenes involving screaming helpless women and macho men. This social theory has only taken off in Hollywood, America and is usually perpetrated by the living.

Origins of the Unundead

It is believed that the unundead have been around for millions of years, though social data has only just begun to be collected on the unundead. Being similar to the undead (except better), the unundead are difficult to track or indeed notice in everyday non-living society, unless they do something cool, like get in a massive undead ninja fight.

The Dead, the Undead, the Unundead and the Living

The dead are of course, living people that died and are now not alive. They are probably in heaven, unless the Jehovah's are right and there's only room for $\pi ^{2}$ people in heaven... or some other number that makes the odds of wining in the pokies look good.

The living are people, animals, plants or Elvis that were born of the womb, egg, seed or conspiracy theories of other living people. The living are known for their plump, juicy brains that provide excellent nutrition for members of the undead society.

The undead, otherwise known as zombies or the living dead, used to be living people. However they became undead when a fellow zombie feasted on their brains. They usually roam around in search of brains. They are quite social, often dine together, and are known to shout "Braaaaaaaaaaaaaains" in anticipation of a good feed.

The unundead, sometimes mistakenly referred to as 'the living', used to be undead. You see the 'double negative' unun here do not cancel to give zero, they actually add to make the undead more undead. Unundeads are very touchy about being called undead, because of their massive superiority complex.

Table of DEATH!
The unundead provide several questions about death and reanimation. The following table shows the 'normal' Life to Death progression of things. (Note: This chart does not apply to: The Unundead, Unzombie, and Chuck Norris

Alive

Dead

Undead

Unundead

Redead

Reundead

Reunalive

Postreunalive

Redundant

Becoming Unundead

There are two kinds of unundead: The Zombie Jesus (Uber Unundead) or those who have been bitten by other undead (or 'super zombies')

So what does happen if a zombie gets bitten by another zombie? This case results in being unundead. If a person gets bitten or has their brains eaten by a zombie, they become a zombie, likewise if a zombie gets bitten by another zombie they become unundead, or 'super zombies', usually they are smoted by the Zombie Jesus because they seem to think they can 'take him' in bar fights.

Types of Unundead

Zombie Jesus

Well he's just the coolest of them all. He can do anything, walk on water, backflips and bring the living back from the dead... hence make them undead. Cool! For more information see Zombie Jesus.

Regular Unundead

Regular unundead are just stronger than the undead. They can crunch through skulls easily and have been known to sit on beaches full of the living, sipping a fresh brains out of a victim with a straw. They are harder to kill than unundeads and their saliva remains an active source of zombification for at least 48 hours after they have been killed. They also explode when shot splattering their guts everywhere and making everyone around them who is alive, undead (just regular undead). For that reason they are usually hunted by guys in raincoats, gumboots, gloves and snorkel masks.

The unundead are much better at card tricks than the regular undead, they are known as lying cheaters, and they get away with it too because they just eat anyone that accuses them of cheating.

Regular Unundeads are just jerks, just because they are unundead they think they can take anyone on. In fact the number of times Zombie Jesus has smoted these guys is unbelievable! They are so convinced of their own superiority, that seeing Zombie Jesus chilling out with a few brains at the bar sends them into fits of machoism. It is such a regular occurrence that Zombie Jesus is the number one cause of regular unundead smiting.

Ninja Unundead

Ninja Unundead, are unundeads with Ninja powers. They are heaps cool, they do cool flips and eat brains all the time. They can only be bested by Zombie Jesus, but that's probably because he has SECRET Ninja powers too. If they want to eat your brain, you would still be alive by the time they are finished eating it. Those who survive (which is rare) become blonde unundeads. Blonde unndeads have no brain anyway, but they are soooooo brainless that they suck the intelligence out of the living just before huffing their brains. Blonde unundeads like their victims skulls empty before trying to eat the brain they just obliterated.

Ninja unundead are believed to be a secret society of Uber cool dudes who were not allowed to learn cool samurai stuff, like cutting off heads. So in rebellion, they learnt how to cut off heads to get to the sweet, sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains inside.

Ninja unundead are really quiet. Most zombies and unundeads make noises in anticipation of a feed, but Ninja unundeads don't. Sometimes they whisper really quietly 'Braaaaaaaaaaaains' but you can't even hear that.

Ninja unundeads use really cool weapons, but because they are unundead they can rip parts of their body off and use them as weapons too. One guy died by having 100 unundead Ninja eyeballs thrown at him. Unundead Ninja eyeballs are like Ninja stars, they cut through anything.

Ninja unundeads are hard to kill, you can't even shoot them. They just pick the bullets out of their decaying flesh and throw them at you so fast that you get shot.

X-Unundead-Men

The X-Men was started by the paraplegic telepath unundead Professor Charles Xavier, or Professor X. Xavier gathered children under the cover of Professor Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters at a large country estate and then used his position as trusted mentor to easily crunch through their delicate skulls and eat their brains. These children became X-Unundead-men.

The X-Unundead-Men fight for zombie rights and protect zombies who are under attack by humans. Many ordinary humans are afraid of the undead and they regard them as a threat to humans society. These tensions between humanity and the undead are exacerbated by the many instances in which zombies ate the brains of the living.

The X-Unundead-Men wear tight lycra clothing to hold their decaying flesh together. Some notable X-Unundead-Men are:

Wolverine: He is really cool, he has knives that come out of his hands. When he was younger he got into massive gambling debts and the mafia stabbed his hands, this was just before Professor X crunched his brains out, and so he became Wolverine with cool knife hands. Wolverine looks kind of like a prairie dog, but heaps tougher, so they called him prairie wolf and eventually Wolverine.

Storm: Storm had her period the day her brains got crunched out, so she is totally pissed off all the time. Cold and icy one minute, and a raging storm the next. She's called Storm because she is unpredictable.

Cyclops: When Cyclops' became a zombie, Professor X accidentally ate one of his eyeballs. Because Cyclops was not a ninja Professor X was not harmed in the eating of the eyeball.

Phonex: Phonex is teasingly called Phonex as she tried the latest unundead-Hollywood diet crazy: Eating phonex brains. Apparently eating their brains makes you skinny or beautiful or just plain stoopid. She has mega zombie powers and can summon brains out of people's skulls without having to even touch them.

Captain Planet and the Unundead Planeteers

An zombie super hero who draws his powers from the Earth and how things are buried. Captain Planet is a composite of the Earth and the five different ways in which things are buried AND their powers - Cremation (Fire), Buried (Earth), Left out in the open (Wind), Mafia-"swim with the fishes"-concrete-feet (Water) and Mummification (Heart) - magnified.

Captain planet is considered an intellectual, because he eats heaps of brains.

Although he is a zombie super hero, he also realizes that he is not the long-term solution to the world's brain problems and cannot keep brain-hunting for others. The solution is not to eat everyone in an orgie of over consumption. He stresses that people must be allowed to breed as well as be terrorized. He encourages accept responsibility for the future of Earth, by allowing villages to have 10 years off after a zombie raid to allow a suitable amount of time for growth between harvests.

Naturally, Captain planet would not be able to eat brains if it wasn't for the five unundead Planeteers.

Gi (Ghee) is from Asia and got into huge gambling debts like Wolverine. In fact they were a pair of scammers too. She went to swim with the fishes mafia style and came back with unundead water power.

She is at home with the sea and and likes to eat its creatures. She loves dolphin brains. She can call up anyone who died involving water and make them, make humans, swim with the fishes.

Linka is white and blond. Her brain was eaten so that there could be the 'blond, white, hot chick' in the Planeteers. She died trying to hack it in the outdoors and totally died, the wind carried her smell to captain planet who ate her brains and zombified her before she died of gangrene. Captain planet so has the hots for her, he likes green chicks with power - she sooooooo has power over him because she is one of the five unundead people that can summon him to hunt brains.

Ma-Ti (Mah-Tee) is the youngest of the group. In life he was a total pussy, always willing to give up anything for the benefit of the whole. But now he has the power of Mumification. Any Planeteers piss him off and they are so mummified. He likes mumifying people because he is into hardcore bondage.

He is also into animals and has a dead fish called Suchi (pronounced sushi) that hangs out with him. He thinks he can totally speak to it "non verbally" but he's just nuts. You would be too if you had no brain.

Kwame (Qua-me) is the token unundead black dude. You gotta have a token black dude to succeed in the US - the base of the Planeteers. It's like sooooo unpolitically correct to not have a black unundead dude. Still he can bury anyone with his Earth power. You mess with him, he'll bury you. He buries anyone that dares to try and take his position as the token black dude.

Wheeler was cremated, he is a pile of ash that floats around setting people on fire and cooks a mean brain. He's always trying to cook sushi, because he's American he doesn't understand just to leave the fricken fish alone. Because he is a pile of floating ash Ma-Ti can't mumify him for trying to cook his dead fish.

Unundead Transformers: Living in Disguise

Yeah these are living who soooooo want to be unundead. They are total necrophiliacs.

They dress up like dead people and try and date dead people. The unundead and the undead totally despise them. Even though the unundead and the undead are a minority in comparison to humans, they are still not accepting of other minorities, like Unundead transformers.

Steve Unundead-Ballimer-Man

He is actually alive, but due to his super killing technology, he commands Respek. Microsoft Respek*.

He simply has to say the magic words to summon his victims brains from their skulls:

“Fucking Brain is a fucking pussy. I'm going to fucking eat your brain, I have done it before, and I will do it again … I'm going to fucking eat Google.”

~ Steve Ballmer

"

Then he consumes their brain. Usually he prefers the brains of people that work at Google so he can patent their knowledge

$^{*}$Compliments Microsoft Word.

See Also

• Brains
• Zombies or Undead or Unzombies
• Zombie Jesus
• David Blane The Ultimate Unundead
• Steve Ballmer