Universities and Colleges Admissions Service
UCAS 
| |
|---|---|
| Country | Britain |
| Purpose | Education, Education, Education |
| Genre | Nerd |
| Species | Black (65%), White (30%), Asian (5%)[1] |
| see also: Sodomy in Education, by Roy Chubby Brown | |
| and:Conservative manifesto, by David Hugh "Floppy" Cameron Grant | |
“Children, lay down false hopes of making it as a footballer, or as a musician, for only through UCAS can you find salvation”
“UCAS offers UCAS card holders 2% off all purchases at The Bistro”
“Bet you didn't see any black people at your interview for Oxford University”
“In Soviet Russia, UCAS applies to YOU!”
“The UCAS Card gives me great discounts on my Fags”
“Every year on results day hundreds of thousands of students mount a distributed denial of service attack on the UCAS Web Site”
The Universities and Colleges Admissions Service (UCAS) is a British human trafficking and advertising organisation that offers all UCAS card holders a 6% discount at Odeon cinemas. It is used by Universities to locate black people, until they are over represented. It will run your life between the ages of 16 and 18, assuming you are British and wish to earn money during your life. UCAS offers many discounts, and is not at all patronising with the wicked slang used on its bangin' Yougo Website, especially since this language is always counteracted with stern warnings to idiots in all correspondence.
Stern Warnings To Idiots In All Correspondence[edit | edit source]
Dear Sir,
UCAS is pleased to note that you have received an offer from University College, London, but we will make it sound like this is the worst thing you have ever done to us anyway. Accept the offer immediately, or we will kill you. Failure to do this will result in us killing you, and you may lose the place. Also, do not send confidential information using the FAQ forum on our website, or we will kill you, and you may lose all future grades. If you have no legs, you must APPLY IMMEDIATELY for legs, using the form on our website, or we will kill you, and you may lose your arms. If you do not achieve the grades required for conditional offers, you will lose the offer, and will have to gamble your livelihood on the rat race that is clearing. You must say good bye to all loved ones as UCAS does not support the use of loved ones during the exam process. If you have the faculty to love, you have not successfully sold your soul in your personal statement. Scottish national qualifications mean nothing to most of those who read this, but we will donate a large amount of room to their discussion anyway: Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers strawberry Scottish highers Scottish highers Scottish highers. We own you, so will do as we please with your time. If you live in Baltimore, Dhaka or Burkina Faso, you must submit your UCAS form before the 3rd of june, during the solar eclipse, standing in barefoot. Failure to do so will result in us killing and loving you to death.
- Yours sincerely,
- The UCAS team
Applications process[edit | edit source]
As nearly all British higher education institutions are members of UCAS, nearly all those wishing to study for first degrees in the UK must apply through UCAS. This applies to all categories of applicants - UK residents, residents of the Channel Islands and Isle of Man, European Union citizens, and other international applicants.
All UCAS card holders get a 1.41428% discount at Primark!
Applicants submit a single application via UCAS's website with a list of up to five courses for which they are applying, in no order of preference.[1] All five choices are confidential during the application process so universities and colleges considering an application cannot see any of the candidate's other choices. Applications must be completed by the middle of the January of the year that the student wishes to start university.
Applicants must condense their souls onto a piece of paper known as a Personal statement. Only Physicists put equations on them.
Complete the following form to be entered in a free prize draw; First and only prize is a 4% discount from our friends at Hollands and Barratt!
Role In The Former Soviet Union[edit | edit source]
In the former Soviet Union, UCAS signs up for YOU!
Qualifications accepted[edit | edit source]
UCAS allows students to use many Exam boards and qualifications: A-levels for the vast majority, BTEC nationals for the great unwashed, IB for snobbish overacheivers who have to be different, GNVQs for retarded people, Battle Royale for Japanese people, D of E for Anyone but chavs and GCSEs for 12 year olds. All are treated equally when they reach the universities , where the ethnicity of your name is used to decide, dead heats being decided using the presence of D of E gold in your Personal statement.
Changes for 2012[edit | edit source]
In line with the government's introduction of higher tuition fees for 2012, new application procedures and UCAS responses are being drawn up. From 2012, it is being mooted that all applicants will have to rank their top 50 universities in order of preference. This is in order to stop people applying in the first place, thus ending the whining about 'debt for life'. Other changes include; UCAS being allowed to completely change your choice of university. This is in case Johnny Briggs from the estate applies to Durham. UCAS would simply write a letter to Johnny stating that he would be better off applying to SPAR. Johnny would then have explained to him that he should apply to an organisation with four letters, but UCAS just wasn't it.
One of the key batch letters that get sent out from UCAS at the moment is the conditional offer letter. This is to change in 2012 to the following: Dear Retard,
Thank you for your application. Unfortunately, as you did not tick the box that said you would like to receive information from UCAS and its partners, including UCUNT, we are unable to inform you of your application progress. We would like to thank you for your interest, but with costs and time in mind, we have politely deleted your application as your family is clearly too poor for this sort of lifestyle. You can still get pissed with your mates... most DSS offices now have a Wetherspoon's next door.
God bless
UCAS
Special offers[edit | edit source]
UCAS offers a card which, lets face it, is the best thing ever created by a government run organisation. It allows users to get up to 10% off purchases in places that you don't normally go. Did I mention that UCAS card holders get 1% off with Interflora. It also runs Yougo, a myspace style site that affords UCAS card holders the ability to chat with people who have also applied to the same universities. It does not offer a way of finding people going to the same College within Oxford University, however, because Oxford does not contain a disproportionately large number of black people (Asians are just not dark enough).
UCAS card holders get 5% off at selected Negrotech extreme tanning salons
Fill out the following form to be in with a chance of winning a FREE subscription to the UCAS advertisement magasine!
But, the sad truth is, UCAS have got you by the balls if you want to get anywhere in life, and you just don't beat those special offers!
- ↑ Except in Medicine, engineering or scientific courses, where these values are reversed