Uncyclopedia:Featured articles/October 20

Marvinitus Martin Raymond Francisco Xiahou Sergei Magnus Barnabus Mahatma Felipe Gregorios Heinrich Jozef Habiboo Yertlebert Adelbert Chandler Stanislaus Bartholomew Constantine Maximillian Rutherford Cornelius Escobar Doritos Sanchez Agamemnon Hecatoncheires Horst Johannes Salvatore Jamal Muhammad Achmed Siegfried Giuseppe Abraham Roger Van Buren, better known simply as Marvin Van Buren, or even simplier as Marvin, and to the really lazy as just "Marv" was born the eleventh illegitimate bastard child to Martin Van Buren and his mate, Canadian physicist Raymond Von Funkenstein, who was notoriously better known as "The Face-Eating Baby Rapist." Needless to say, Raymond lacked any close friends.

Marvin was the only child to survive the insatiable hunger of his father who ate the rest of his siblings (Raymond stood idly by, making cocoa as this happened.) Many consider him to be very lucky to survive his dad's wippings appetite but Marvin considers himself unlucky, claiming "If I had been raped when I was a few weeks old, I would have never slipped on that dick when I was 27, because that was really embarassing." While Marvin's claims are technically valid, they've also been called "extremely stupid," "selfish" and "tasty."

When Marvin was old enough to crawl, he ran away from his crazy father into the woods where he was adopted by a creature resembling a cross between Bambi and a can of halved tomatoes. He was brought up to think, look, and act like the Bambi/tomato can hybrid but soon enough he murdered the creature because, as Marvin says "it was tryin to fuck with who I was!" He then made his way into Canada where he spent the rest of his unbelievably long life. (Full article...)