Uncyclopedia:Featured articles/June 27

Your Quaint, Middle-Class Home - Dude, I hate having to be the one to tell you this, but your entire family was killed. I didn't know how to tell you, so I wrote an article on a humor wiki about it. What a shame that I didn't have the courage to tell you face to face, but I hope you find this Uncyclopedia article before you get home, otherwise, things could get a little awkward. Before you get all emotional, let me tell you how it happened, and why you shouldn't press charges. Listen to me, okay? Stop crying like a girl and let me talk.

Everything has to come to an end sometime. Remember when I accidentally killed your gopher? Well, this is sorta like that, except that, instead of a gopher, it was your entire family.

Oh man, I am so, so sorry. See? Don't you feel better now that I apologized?

I hope you weren't too attached to them. They were, according to local sources, being whiny little bitches before they were executed. It's not your fault; your long family history of playing the victim is likely genetic. What could you possibly do? Don't you worry though; I'm still here to help you through this. (Full article...)