UnBooks:Too Tall

She was too tall. Or I was "too small". Whatever. Lilly's a fucking pig anyway. I only asked her out because it would improve my status or something so I could ask out someone better looking and less of a bitch. So I went to Jack's disco party on Saturday. Boring. I had to cry just to give people something to talk about. Apparently I kill the mood. I can't see how that's worth complaining about. At least I don't kick down bathroom doors or gas places with deodorant like Johnny. They say, at least Johnny doesn't wail "I wouldn't get any action even if I was a prostitute" while he kicks down bathroom doors. Anyway, Rob called Lilly a cow and she went off and cried. Who fucking cries at a party? What a way to spoil the mood. I wanted to console her even though she'd just been a bitch to me. I was gonna tell her that if she were a farm animal it would surely be a pig. Her 'friends' prevented me from going near her. I told them I'd forgiven her for rejecting me. I hadn't. Anyway I've been called worse.

My chances with women aren't quite nil.

There was a rumour Hilary fancies me, but I guess that ended when she ripped up my Wikipedia printout. But she stinks so damn badly. And she has these awful strawberry studs that have grown into her ears or something. One time she held my hands and stared into me and asked if I was getting a boner. I said no because I wasn't. I suppose that if it had been anyone else I might have found it erotic. I remember a year ago I asked her who she fancied. She said Tony and a few others. I can see why. Like, not in a gay way.

I suppose that I could be less popular too.

I mean, what about all the attention I got that one time at a disco party I got thrown under the ladies' door while it was getting slammed shut and got that awesome bruise on my lower right hand? Aw, discos are great! I get to jump up and down and shout about raping people's families to their faces without them even noticing. My older brother says they're just shitty kiddie parties and calling them "discos" is a weird 1970s hangover, but he doesn't even go to any parties or anything.

Anyway, compared to Douglas I'm the fucking bees knees. If there's one thing I've learnt from my social life it's that people don't like you when you're nasty. That's why no one likes Douglas. He called me a "stupid fat Jew" the other day, and although those things might be facts on their own, putting them together like that is just low. Anyway, people like me when I call Douglas "primitive man" and advise them to stay away from him because he has Dougie Morrison Disease. I mean, I know it's wrong, but he's such a tactless fucker. Last year I offered to be his friend because I felt sorry for him. I'm such a nice guy.

I'm such an awkward little shit.

I'm practically Phil Bisset, which goes against everything I stand for. I'm just the same obsessive nerd. But at least my only friends aren't girls. Fucking weirdo. For some reason he told me at the beginning of this year that he promised his daddy he'd "try 110%" at school sports. And he had the nerve to say "maybe you can work for me when we're older" this one time when we were talking about that sort of thing.