ToddiPhone Viral Marketing Campaign/all
Disposable Phones for Your Disposable Relationships
Remember your friend’s wedding?
Of course you don’t. You drank so much that the bartender started pre-mixing your cocktail as soon as he spied your lumbering carcass weaving vaguely forward on its umpteenth trip back to Plasterville.
That night may be a haze, but you’ve never forgotten the consequences: that person that you slept with — the one that checked the number of your cell phone just to make sure that you couldn’t ditch them afterwards with the old “fake number routine”.
You tried to forget them; they just won’t let you.
It’s time for a hard look at the math. Pay the damned $400 penalty to get out of your current contract, and move to ToddiPhone. Our phones are cheap. Cheap enough that the next time you wake up next to some questionable stranger in a compromising position, you can leave your phone on the night table as you beat a hasty retreat for the door, or an open ground-floor window.
Better yet, pitch it down a sewer grate next to the spent needles and those handguns with filed-off serial numbers. You just never know if that person is crazy enough to dust your phone for prints.
You might also consider not drinking so much, but… nah.
ToddiPhone
WE'RE AWESOME! PERIOD.™
The Perfect Gift!
You know that person in your life that you kind of know, or know well but dislike, perhaps even hate? Of course you do.
Well, eventually they’ll get married or have a birthday or something and you’ll be obligated to give them a gift.
Make sure that gift gives the right message: “I had to get you something. Here it is. It isn’t so cheap that you can hold a grudge against me, but it isn’t so great that I had to splurge against my will either.”
ToddiPhone: The perfect gift for those unimportant occasions and not terribly special moments in life. Buy one today.
Better yet, buy a dozen and keep them tucked up in a hallway closet. That way, you’ve always got one on hand to give on short notice (or belatedly) to someone forgettable that you’re obligated to remember occasionally. (Complementary gift wrapping available with orders of 50 or more.)
ToddiPhone
World class communications – Bargain basement prices!™
Life is short.
Your phone bill should be too. We can help with both.
At ToddiPhone we don’t believe in excess: overcharges, function and features, customer service, technical support, satisfaction surveys, quality control, environmental protection, product testing, safety assessment... good God the list goes on and on.
Frankly, it makes our life and yours needlessly complicated, not to mention downright expensive.
You smoke, drink, sleep around, and eat enough processed food to preserve an Egyptian Pharaoh for eternity. A little extra radiation is definitely do-able, especially at these prices!
Like that classic rock song says, “We’re here for a good time, not a long time. So have a good time, the something something something something something.” Whatever. You get the point.
Quit worrying about the environment, your health, and people in third world countries building phones in sweatshops for 3 cents and hour, and just enjoy your damned phone already.
ToddiPhone
Because you're going to die eventually anyway.™
What Does Your Phone Say About You?
Plenty. After all, it's more than a communications device, it's a reflection of you.
And what if your phone is a ToddiPhone?
• You're cheap.
• You have low standards.
• You'll go anywhere, with anyone, anytime.
• You're here for a good time, not a long time.
• You're disposable.
• Your integrity is suspect.
• You're internally flawed.
• You hide all this behind a superficial, plastic shell.
Why hide it? Flaunt it! Or at least get around to finally admitting it to yourself.
We hate to break this to you but... NEWSFLASH: Everyone else has already figured you out.
ToddiPhone
World class communications – Bargain basement prices!™
When your tech needs grow up...
When you’ve outgrown kiddie technology — two cheap tin cans and a piece of string — it’s time to get a ToddiPhone! Better range and reception, and nearly as inexpensive.
At ToddiPhone we use only the finest, imported steel cans and hand-wound twine. The result is supreme durability and unmatched fidelity.
It’s absolutely nothing like what Mom and Dad helped you make. Appearances to the contrary be damned!
ToddiPhone
World class communications – Bargain basement prices!™
We're Cheap. And You Like Cheap.
At ToddiPhone we never pretend to be anything except what we are. We’re cheap and we know it. And you wouldn’t have us any other way.
It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s who you are, too. Be proud of that.
When cashiers ask you to donate to the Children’s Hospital and you lie, “I already gave.” Cheap.
When it was Mother’s Day and you bought those cubic zirconium earrings in the back alley behind Wing’s Wings? Cheap.
And that total stranger you picked up at your friend’s wedding that one weekend, then brought ‘em back to your place for some...
Well, you get the idea. We’re no different.
Buy our stuff and we promise we'll steer clear of the hospital, and not to tell your mom about the earrings. Oh, and about that other thingie as well.
ToddiPhone
Bill payments... Hush money—What's the difference?™
Nothing Personal: It's Just Business to Us
Isn’t it lame when companies pretend to care about you? Aren’t you tired of being sucked up to with vapid, inane suggestions that you’re special and important?
We’ll never insult your intelligence that way.
The fact is, at ToddiPhone, we won’t pretend to like you. You’re not important to us — your income is. There. We said it. When it boils right down to it: we just want your money. That’s it. It’s not that your wellbeing is completely unimportant — obviously if you become ill and die you’ll be unable to settle your bill with us, and that would be a real tragedy.
So, eat well, take your vitamins, and get plenty of sleep. Also, make certain to look both ways before crossing the street.
But most importantly, please pay your bill.
ToddiPhone
World class communications – Bargain basement prices!™
When You Want the Very Best... Look Elsewhere.
We know you. We understand your spoiled, middle class yearnings. Wine and caviar tastes on a beer and pretzel budget. And we can help. When you want the very best, but can’t afford it, or are just downright cheap, you’ve got to get a ToddiPhone.
Our phones look like nothing else on the market today, and that’s a good thing. Do you really want to stay blended in the herd, or do you want a phone that makes people’s head spin, like Linda Blair in The Exorcist? Oh, they’ll be looking at you alright, stopped dead in their tracks.
Sure, there’ll be critics. Little people always try to find solace in throwing mud at the high rollers like you, but you know how to answer them. “It’s not huge, it’s solid. It’s not obsolete, it’s time-tested technology. It’s not old, it’s retro.”
So let ‘em criticize. As Lindsay Lohan or Charlie Sheen will tell you, any attention or publicity is better than none at all.
ToddiPhone. Solid – Time-Tested – Retro. And still legal in 11 countries, including the good ol' U. S. of A.
Hurry up and buy one before the FCC comes to their senses.
ToddiPhone
World class communications – Bargain basement prices!™
Our Promise: Our Phones Won't Kill You
At ToddiPhone, your safety is important to us. Within reason, of course. At the end of the day we do have families to feed and stockholders to impress.
But your safety is still relatively important, so we’re working hard every day to give you the most value that pennies can buy. We know the truth behind banned, rejected, and so-called “hazardous” mobile hardware — greedy legislators and manufacturers trying to make you pay for “safer” (i.e. more expensive) equipment.
Don’t believe the hype that excessive microwave radiation will kill you. If it was dangerous, you’d see or feel something, right? Right.
Breathe easily, and enjoy the savings!
ToddiPhone
Reliable. Safe. Probably.™
An Apology to (Some) Investors
ToddiPhone would like to apologize to Empire Avenue investors that lost their shirts during our IPOs meteoric rise, and abysmal crash to the ground.
Well, to be honest, we’d like to apologize to roughly half of you, and kindly request that you cover your exposed torsos immediately.
As for the rest of you, we’d like to express our most sincere appreciation to you. We’re enjoying the view tremendously!
ToddiPhone
World class communications – Bargain basement prices!™
(See another Random Ad from the ToddiPhone Viral Marketing Campaign or view them all)