Ni Hao, Kai-Lan
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“ Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.”
Ni Hao, Kai-lan (你好, 凯兰) (Hello, Kai-lan) is a children propaganda show distributed by the all powerful government of the Chinese Communist Party. It is frequently shown in America under the Brilliant and Glorious Communists at Nick Jr. They believe in our Communist message and let the Glorious propaganda show onto the airwaves. Nick Jr denies this claim, saying i'm a schizophrenic looney-bin patient, and that no one should be believe me.
They even went as far as to state in a short open letter, "THAT'S FUCKING STUPID!" They were obviously lying to keep the Americans in the dark about it's true nature.
Ontology[edit | edit source]
Etymology[edit | edit source]
"Ni" is a shortened version of "Nee'" meaning "She". "Hao" is Arabic for "He" or "Man" "Kai" is "Ki", which is a shortened version of "Kike". "Lan" is just a mistranslation of "Man". So, in actuality, it's "Shemale Kike-Man"
Sociology[edit | edit source]
The world of Shemale Kike-Man is mostly populated by sentience. For example, The Sun is a living being that needs to be yelled at for it to wake up. Since The Sun is always awake, people are always awake. Which is why the denizens of Shemale Kike-Man are incredibly stupid and crazy.
Food[edit | edit source]
Most of the food is similar, if not the exact same, to ours. Since everything is sentient, 89.766% of Shemale Kike-Manians are Vegans, which they put on the same level of Carnivorism. The remaining are Breatharians, which have a very short life span and are also very stupid.
Culture[edit | edit source]
Since Shemale Kike-Man Land is in China, there is no real culture to speak of. It's just like China: full of xenophobes who take massive amounts of shit from the government.
Government[edit | edit source]
This is composed of a small council that is entirely appointed by the current head of the Ministry Of Truth, Fidel Castro. All of them are apart of the same party. The citizens have absolutely no say in this.
Religion[edit | edit source]
89.766% are completely irreligious, with 36% Buddhist and 74% Taoist. The remaining are Islam or Christian.
Technology[edit | edit source]
Since Glorious China has banned ease, fun, or aesthetics; there is no modern technology.
Health[edit | edit source]
Malaria is rampant and the average age is 43. 'Nuff Said.
Fun[edit | edit source]
In hiding, the Shemale Kike-manians kick around a ball of dirt and hardened cow splooge.
Environment[edit | edit source]
Really beautiful looking. As if it was being drawn or something... Plant life seems to be completely self-sustaining, and always looks beautiful and youthful. There is a cultural and social rift between those who think that is drawn and that it is real. Scientists have since disproved this, since 97.62% of the land mass is cheap Chinese lead based paint. However, 10.237% believe that it is real.
Sexuality[edit | edit source]
Fascinatingly, a large percent of the population is asexual. The rest are completely gay.
Ethnicity[edit | edit source]
No one really knows, but the professional assumes they're Chinese.
Race[edit | edit source]
Koalas,Pandas, Humans, Tigers, Hippos, Rhinos, etc.
Work and Industry[edit | edit source]
Since it's China, they just plain work so the government and the upper-class can make billions of dollars.
Psychology[edit | edit source]
The population's psychology is based on Cause and Effect. Almost completely. Carl Sigmund Freud Jung's book,你永远不会得到这个, theorized that maybe all of life is scripted, based on it's terrible writing. Many Buddhists believe this, due to Geologists finding out that nearly everything is hand drawn. It doesn't get any deeper then this. 你永远不会得到这个 also suggested that people are "written" with a basic and very flexible set of character traits.
Astronomy[edit | edit source]
This science is very early in development, due to the sentience of everything in the sky. Most people just apply Psychology to this.
Archaeology[edit | edit source]
This science is also non-existence, due to digging creating relatively non-threatening rifts in the space-time continuum, which has quarks, atoms, and molecules made of acid based paper, which disappears after a frame.
The Kai Lan in Question[edit | edit source]
“ And I said my fucking characters were sick!”
Childhood[edit | edit source]
Kai-Lan was born in '85 as 该死女孩, meaning "Nothing Obscene". There is a violent dispute over the veracity of her original name, causing many riots in Disgusting Taiwan. Or maybe this is all a lie and I really am a schizophrenic loony-bin patient. Her childhood was one of squaller and clichés.
Pre-Fame[edit | edit source]
After being released from the Chinese prison the following year, she was too broken to live in contemporary society. In 2004, Karen Chau's brother, Dirty ol' Pedo, discovered her on a street corner. Ol' Pedo claims not to have been soliciting candy bars. We don't know why he claims this, for it is irrelevant beyond belief. In fact, it's irrelevant to even mention it. Better take my meds...
Current Affairs[edit | edit source]
Karen threatened Kai-Lan with jailtime if she didn't act as the protagonist in her show, because, in China, you get to jail whoever you want to, provided you have the status. She immediately became a hit among the drooling mongoloid audience and was shot into super stardom. In 2007, after accidentally exposing herself in public, she bought a seven million dollar car that she crashed into a bus of mentally and physically disabled children, instantly killing them all. Since she was in China and a celebrity, the judge sentenced her to house arrest for 3 days. Five hours in, she killed 2 of her butlers. Her house arrest was extended 5 additional days. Kai Lan's sanity is frequently questioned. She is usually seen wearing the late Alexader McQueen's rejected designs ( Washing machines, dried up snot, Barney costumes, string, piles of bloody stool etc.) Kai-Lan suffers from some crazy disease that makes her look about 2 decades younger. younger and she supports the pedophile movement.
Plot[edit | edit source]
The show usually involves peace and love, something Communist China has used for the past couple of days due to these "United Nations" people bitching about Glorious and flawless China being a "Humanitarian disaster". The show doesn't really show much display of plot, as many philosophers and Theoretical Quantum God Physicists have repeatedly concluded. Usually, the brilliant story template is the following:
*Protagonist explains what's going to happen. It must be something silly and seemingly innocent. *(Throw in communist ideology, like "MAN, I SURE DO WISH THE GOVERNMENT COULD OWN ALL THIS!") * 2008 edit from Nick Jr executive: Doras popular, throw in some fucking spenish or japeneeeese or whatever at this pont. * Make the viewer relaxed. * Full in filler and begin massive subliminal messages and hypnotism. * Insert conflict. * Fix it by some peace bullshit. * End show.