Murphy's Law (theory)
“Murphy's Law? Is that the one with the toast?”
“Murphy? I'd really like to meet him some day, so I can kick the living crap out of him”
“My mother in-law died two days after I met her. ”
“You're gonna get raped. ”
This is about a theory, if you're looking for the game, see Murphy's Law (video game)
Murphy's Law is one of the fundamental laws of nature, even more fundamental than, for example, the law of copyright. It is a very optimistic law, stating if anything can go wrong, it will. If it can't go wrong, it will go wrong anyway.. Although, it has been proved that Sarah N is actually behind Murphy's Law, and that Murphy is blamed incorrectly.
For the modern quantum mechanical formulation of Murphy's Law, see Quantum Murphydynamics. If quantum physics just confuses you, then stay on this page instead.
The law has many variants, e.g.:
- The pot of gold is on the other side of the rainbow.
- Someone else will always get the last ice cream.
- When a farang (foreign person) gets married to a woman from Thailand, and he later finds out that she was a man (katoey). Even if the Thai woman is actually a woman, she may have many flaws, such as laziness, very demanding, stubborn, and only marries for money and not for love.
- When one attempts to hit a nail, one will always hit one's finger.
- It is always sunny on Wednesday afternoons.
- It always rains outside.
- Toast will always fall with the buttered side down.
- And you can never tell the right side of the toast to butter.
- This is true for common heights of tables, in Japan this is not true.
- Of course, this means if you attach the toast to the back of a cat with the buttered side up, gravity will explode, since cats always land on their feet. See Murphy's law application for antigravitatory cats.
- And you can never tell the right side of the toast to butter.
- When one searches with a search engine, one ends up on WikiPedia, not on Uncyclopedia.
- When you are looking for something that is in a pile, it is always next to the grue.
- The grue will eat you.
- When waiting in line, the line you're in will move quickest, but you will break your leg while waiting.
- Or, your line will be the slowest and you will still break your leg.
- If you like women, chances are, you're a lesbian.
- When teasing scorpions, they will always transpire to have a masochistic streak and actually develop an affection for you for having done so.
- The light at the end of a tunnel is normally the light of an oncoming train.
- All your base, indeed, are belong to us.
- If you flip to the Comedy channel, you get Sinbad's comedy hour.
- If you like pina coladas, you most likely won't get caught in the rain (and vice versa)
- Whenever you are running late for work or an interview, etc., chances are you have to stop at every single set of traffic lights on your way there. More than half the time you spend stuck at the traffic lights, you are giving way to nothing at all, and if you try going through a red light a police officer will pull you over and fine you or someone who saw you do it will dob you in.
- Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll to the exact center (or anyplace out of reach) under the car.
- A Smith&Wesson always beats four aces.
- Unless they are thrown by a ninja, who is wearing a bulletproof vest.
- A coin dropped while sitting on a couch will lodge itself in the only place you think not to look.
- If you are a student and you studied 99 chapters out of one hundred, then your whole exam will only come from the one chapter you left out.
- If you are working on an important project, any dogs and/or cats in the house will immediately place themselves upon it.
- When you look for the remote, it's always in the last place you look.
- Well, it's always in the last place you look because after you find it, you don't need to look for it anymore, so, yeah.
- Player 3 always wins, as he is in fact the terminator.
- Player 3 cannot win if the Govinator is playing. Thus disproving the previous statement.
Murphy's Law was discovered and informalized by Albert Murphy Sinbad Einstein, after whom it was named. Albert came to the idea when he was bathing under a tree, when Jesus fell off a cloud and landed exactly on the cold tap. This incident also led to the invention of the anal plug and cold water.
The law was passed without any votes against, critics mention that anyone who would oppose had missed his or her plane, had an engine failure or hit both nail and finger with a hammer. Those for the law cite the same incidents.
A prime Example of Murphy's Law can be found in the everyday life of an unfortunate idiot named Pete Thomas. This inevitably proves this law.
Murphy's Second Law
More commonly known as "the law of probabilities", Murphy's second law assures that a 50/50 situation will always end badly.
- A 50% chance of becoming sterile during a vasectomy actually means 95%.
- When playing Russian Roulette, all 5 other people will get lucky.
- If half of your songs are good and you put your iPod on shuffle, you will hear Fall Out Boy until your iPod battery has exactly 4 seconds left.
- If theres a 50% chance that, that chav across the road has a knife, it means he has a gun.
Murphy's Third Law
Murphy was on crack to think the first law, and either law #2 or #3 is completely false. But #1 looks even more false. Murphy did all he could to prove the 4th law, but failed. Was that a proof or a disproof? This depends on whether *you* wanted the law to fail or not.
Murphy's Law, Redux
Murphy, short for David Bowie, is an influential Irish politician. He's credited with another version of Murphy's Law, one that requires Murphy's Irish Red be imbibed at least once daily, twice on Friday. The law was passed without any votes against, critics mention that anyone who would oppose had been out on town the night before, and in a Murphy's induced stupor. Those for the law cite the same incident.
Einstein enjoys a good Murphy's, and packaging will change in the near future to reflect his posthumous endorsement of the brew.
Incidentally, Murphy's was also invented in a bath.
Amendments to Murphy's Laws
- The First Amendment
If anything can go wrong it sometimes can and possibly will.
- The Second Amendment
Thou shalt sometimes miss the first bus, and usually have to wait half an hour for the next one to arrive.
- The Third Amendment
if zoo heet your zelf un ze heeed weeth a freyin paan zu weel bezomme stupeeder and stupderr. theiz waz foist tezsted ooon tha whitar oof thezi farticle pection.
- The Fourth Amendment
The chances of the toast landing buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
This is a quantum mechanical theory which shows Murphy's Law to be a classical approximation of a more complex fundamental phenomenon in the universe. Only crazed physicists actually care.
Murphy's Law says that if anything can go wrong, it will. But, this stupid law applies to itself: itself can go wrong, that is, there must be a situation where something can go wrong and it won't go wrong. So, Murphy Law is paradoxical, and by reductio ad absurdum, I boned your mother.
And I boned Your mother
Neither of those are true. Both your mothers are lesbians.
Which is made true by application of Murphy's law; If it is possible for your mothers to be lesbian then they are, but in Murphy's paradox this is false because if it is also possible that your mothers are not lesbians then in fact they are bi-sexual, which contridicts all the shit that has been said about your mothers being lesbian, as it could be true that i have just in fact boned your mothers, and the fact that you have more than one mother is quite fucked up as it is anyway.