UnBooks:Lara's Czech treasure hunt
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"TO SI KURVA DĚLAJ PRDEL, BUZERANTI!! Ivan when he discovers loose cylinder in his car
"Huurbleagaggh!" Lara Croft when she visited Mojžíř
By August 1990, Lara Croft found herself back in the Czechoslovak Federative Republic, drawn by rumors of ancient artifacts hidden in the region’s castles and monasteries. Her last visit to the country had been less than ideal: during her search for the Philosopher's Stone, she’d barely escaped drowning in the Slapy Reservoir after a harrowing chase involving not just police but the entire Czechoslovak military. It had taken months of recovery to bounce back, and somewhere along the way, she'd befriended Ivan, a no-nonsense Prague detective who had more than a few tales of his own.
Her sudden return to 1990 remained a mystery—even to Lara. Somehow, she’d glitched back into this pivotal moment, reappearing in a post-Communist landscape that felt familiar yet drastically changed.
Background[edit | edit source]
Lara's unexpected return to Czechoslovakia in 1990 was sparked by a letter from her old friend Ivan, the Prague detective she'd befriended during her earlier adventure. His message came as a surprise, hinting at the winds of change blowing through the country. “Things are getting better here,” he wrote. “I’m driving a Tatra 613 now—quite an upgrade, don’t you think? I’ve even started English lessons.” Ivan, always the realist, couldn’t resist a warning about the massive uptick in crime sweeping through Czechoslovakia’s post-Communist streets, though he assured her, “At least this time you shouldn’t have to worry about being chased by the government.”
Sitting in first class on a British Airways flight, Lara held the Philosopher's Stone securely among her things. In her spare time, she read about castles, ancient monasteries, and other historical treasures she planned to explore upon her arrival. Despite Ivan’s warning about the criminal chaos of the day, Lara felt strangely prepared. With her old acquaintance awaiting her and her own wits sharpened, she was ready to dive back into the unpredictable landscape of a freshly liberated Czechoslovakia, a land brimming with mystery and history alike.
Plot[edit | edit source]
Arrival[edit | edit source]
As Lara stepped off the plane at Ruzyně Airport, she felt a mix of confidence and cautiousness. Unlike her previous visit in 1988, the atmosphere was less stifling, though she still sensed curious stares following her. Some Czechs found her attractive, glancing at her with intrigue, while a few eyes lingered a bit too long on her luggage, giving her a slight edge of nervousness.
Ivan met her at the airport, greeting her with a warm smile and an amused look. After a nostalgic chat about her brush with death at the Slapy Reservoir, they started discussing various historic landmarks she was eager to explore. They headed towards the parking lot, but the sight that awaited them was a brutal reminder of Czechoslovakia's current state—Ivan’s beloved Tatra 613 was propped up on bricks, with all four wheels missing. His pride and joy had been stripped down while he waited for her arrival.
Now forced to navigate the decaying public transit, they dragged her bags to the nearest bus stop, climbing aboard a creaky, clattering Ikarus bus, packed and dimly lit. After enduring the rattling journey, they finally switched to the metro, descending into the depths of Prague’s aging subway. Along the way, they faced a series of unexpected delays and mishaps, from overcrowded carriages to dubious characters eyeing Lara’s luggage a little too closely.
For Lara, it was a surreal, gritty reintroduction to Czechoslovakia, a place suspended between the past and future, where history and change collided at every corner.
Prague exploration[edit | edit source]
Lara and Ivan embarked on an extensive tour of Prague’s historical gems. They wandered through the labyrinthine Old Town, explored the majestic Prague Castle, and admired the treasures hidden within St. Vitus Cathedral. As Ivan admired the intricate architecture, Lara’s eyes were set on something else: a few valuable “souvenirs” to add to her collection. Timing her actions carefully, she managed to slip away with a few priceless artifacts, including, most audaciously, the St. Wenceslas Crown itself—right under Ivan's nose.
After their little “adventure,” the duo made their way to a cozy local pub, where they toasted to old memories, new escapades, and Prague's unique charm. They drank well past closing, stumbling out into the night and laughing about everything from Slapy Reservoir to Ivan's carless Tatra.
With nowhere else to go, they decided to crash at the infamous Hotel Olympik, a place steeped in Lara’s own peculiar history—she had, after all, briefly worked there as a maid on her last trip to Czechoslovakia. Between the stolen treasures, the late-night drinks, and the odd familiarity of the hotel, it was a surreal and utterly unforgettable night in Prague.
Karlštejn scandal[edit | edit source]
The next morning, Ivan and Lara decided to visit the legendary Karlštejn Castle. With Ivan’s Tatra still in the shop, they set off on a personal train operated by the Czechoslovak State Railways (ČSD). Ivan had already arranged for his kids to stay with their uncle, freeing him up for a day of exploring Karlštejn’s medieval mysteries with his adventurous British friend.
The trip, however, didn’t exactly go as planned. Not quite used to the amount of Czech beer from the previous night, Lara found herself nauseous as the train jolted through the countryside. She barely held herself together before a wave of dizziness hit, and—much to her and Ivan’s horror—she ended up vomiting on a group of Czech backpackers. These trampers, who had been eyeing her with more than a little suspicion, were now doubly shocked. Meanwhile, Ivan found himself in his own predicament when his foot got wedged in the tiny train bathroom, requiring a full rescue operation from the train conductor. It took nearly an hour to get him unstuck, and Ivan ended up having to pay a fine before they could finally exit the train at Karlštejn station.
Once they arrived at the castle, Lara's archaeological instincts went into overdrive. She combed through the medieval corridors, eagerly scouting for anything "of historical significance" that might slip into her bag. Ivan watched in amusement as Lara “acquired” a few “souvenirs,” including a 14th-century chalice, an ornate brass candlestick, a centuries-old key to one of the castle’s forgotten rooms, and even a gilded rosary once owned by a noblewoman. But as she was securing her latest prize—a decorative dagger supposedly used in royal ceremonies—the castle’s keeper spotted her and gave chase.
With the keeper hot on her heels, Lara dashed through the stone corridors, occasionally doubling back to outwit him. Ivan, with a cigarette calmly in hand, leaned back against a wall, chuckling at the absurd scene unfolding before him. Eventually, Lara managed to escape the keeper’s clutches with her loot intact, and they made their way back to the train station as dusk settled over the Czech countryside.
That evening, as they returned to Prague, they laughed over the day’s antics, Lara’s growing collection of “borrowed” artifacts safely stowed away in her bag.
Blaník hunt[edit | edit source]
After a few days of rest, Lara and Ivan decided to head off to explore the Sacred Mountain of Blaník. Ivan, whose beloved Tatra 613 was finally back from the repair shop, was eager to hit the road. But only a few kilometers into their journey, the car began sputtering and losing power. Pulling over to the roadside, Ivan popped the hood, only to discover a mess—a cylinder had been shoddily reattached, likely after a mechanic at the shop had tried to steal it.
While Ivan wrestled with the loose cylinder, Lara idly poked through the glove compartment. She blinked in surprise when she uncovered a ČZ 75 pistol nestled inside. Ivan noticed her raised brow and shrugged, explaining that he was still a detective and had taken unpaid leave to join her on this little escapade. He reassured her that the gun was just “precautionary,” which, considering their recent adventures, wasn’t hard to believe.
Back on the road, they got lost in conversation until Ivan realized he’d missed a crucial turn. Before long, they found themselves veering off-course into the dense woods, and when they finally emerged, they weren’t at Blaník but smack in the middle of the Brdy military zone. The sounds of far-off explosions and grinding tank treads filled the air, while soldiers marched among the trees.
As they navigated this surreal military scene, a young soldier spotted Lara and, in an unusually bold move, decided to flirt with her, likely enchanted by her foreign allure. Ivan, unimpressed, didn’t waste time. A quick, decisive punch left the soldier sprawling on the ground, effectively shutting down his romantic ambitions.
Dodging the occasional tank round and avoiding the patrols, Lara and Ivan finally managed to escape the military zone’s chaos and made it to the Sacred Mountain of Blaník by early afternoon. They trekked up the winding path, reaching the summit where a chapel and several ancient artifacts awaited.
True to form, Lara’s archaeological instincts kicked in, and she slipped into the secluded chapel, her eyes catching on a small, ancient statue. As she reached out and pocketed the relic, a strange tremor shook the ground. From the side of the mountain, shrouded in mist and legend, emerged the Blaník Knights, led by the imposing figure of Saint Wenceslas himself. Clad in gleaming armor, the knights radiated a powerful, otherworldly aura, clearly displeased at Lara’s ‘borrowed’ item.
A chaotic chase ensued as the spectral knights pursued them down the mountain. Realizing they couldn’t outrun their ethereal pursuers, Ivan quickly drew his ČZ 75 and, with surprising calm, took aim at Saint Wenceslas. A shot rang out, and in a surreal, almost cinematic twist, the Saint flickered, then dissolved into thin air. The rest of the knights vanished with him, leaving nothing but a haunting silence.
Back at the Tatra, Lara and Ivan exchanged bewildered glances, then climbed into the car and sped off, dust rising in their wake. They left the Sacred Mountain behind, legends intact, and returned to Prague with yet another story—one likely to be kept quiet over their next pint at the local pub.
Venus of Věstonice theft[edit | edit source]
Lara and Ivan’s adventure was interrupted by unexpected news: Ivan’s cousin had decided to return his children sooner than planned, meaning they’d be joining him on his next outing. For most, this change would call for a slower pace, but Lara took the news in stride. Soon enough, she’d charmed Ivan’s kids with tales of her travels and a few lighthearted tricks that left them wide-eyed and thrilled.
The next stop on their itinerary was Dolní Věstonice, where Ivan hoped to show his children the famous Venus of Věstonice, an ancient masterpiece in Czech archaeology. But with Lara Croft in the mix, things were bound to take a turn for the unexpected.
They set off from Prague in Ivan’s vintage Tatra, the kids chattering excitedly in the backseat. But before long, the notorious D1 highway—known for its endless road repairs and heavy traffic—transformed the trip into something else entirely. Barely out of the city, Lara tried to “adjust” her seat and accidentally broke the air conditioning. Now the Tatra had become a rolling sauna, hot air pouring in through the windows as the kids whined about the heat. Lara, ever the adventurer, simply laughed, calling it part of the “authentic travel experience,” though Ivan was less than amused.
The adventure continued as they neared Brno. Just before reaching the city, they encountered a group of rowdy punks on the outskirts. One punk, noticing the shiny Tatra and its unusual passengers, tried to start trouble. Ivan, weary from the road, silenced him with a steely look that needed no explanation. The punk backed off, and Ivan’s children stared wide-eyed, thrilled by their father’s quiet confidence. Lara, however, looked almost disappointed that things hadn’t escalated further.
Once in Brno, they received an unexpected—and loud—greeting when a car full of Orlík band members sped by, shouting a hearty “hello!” from their windows. The kids were awestruck, and even Ivan chuckled. They stopped for lunch, but upon returning to the Tatra, they found that someone had stolen the windshield wipers. While his children doubled over in laughter, Ivan stood by the car in silent irritation. Lara just shrugged and quipped, “That’s Brno for you!”
Now eager to reach their destination, Ivan pressed on, pushing the Tatra’s limits at nearly 200 km/h on the D1. Inevitably, a highway patrol car flagged him down. Ivan sighed, expecting a ticket, but the officers recognized Lara (they patroled her two years ago) and waved them off with a warning, making a few friendly jokes about the “celebrity speed.”
As they wound through Brno’s Královo Pole, Ivan noticed a group of locals—“local creatúry,” he muttered—eyeing his car suspiciously. He braced himself for trouble, but Lara’s unflinching stare was enough to deter them. They turned away without a word.
Finally, they reached Dolní Věstonice. The air was thick with the mystery of ancient history, and Ivan was excited to show his children the Venus of Věstonice, a small clay figurine over 29,000 years old. But as he turned to Lara, he saw the familiar gleam of mischief in her eye. The Venus was priceless, fragile, and ancient—the perfect bait for the renowned “action archaeologist.”
Inside the museum, Ivan began explaining the significance of the Venus to his children, proudly gesturing toward the display. But when he turned back, he froze. The pedestal was empty. A few nearby visitors stared, mouths agape, while a guard pointed down the hall and sounded the alarm.
It didn’t take long for Ivan to realize what had happened. Lara had already made off with the Venus, her inner “action archaeologist” fully unleashed. Ivan barely had time to grab his kids before the museum staff erupted into a frenzy, running in every direction. Outside, the sound of sirens grew louder as the local Public Security (VB) arrived, responding to the high-profile theft. Ivan could hardly believe it as he ushered his children back into the Tatra amid shouts of alarm.
They sped into the countryside, with the VB hot on their trail. Lara, with her usual flair, navigated narrow streets and sharp turns, vanishing from sight as quickly as she’d appeared. Within minutes, she managed to shake off their pursuers, slipping through a forested path where the Tatra wouldn’t be followed.
By nightfall, they’d escaped the chaos and arrived safely in Jihlava, where they found a small inn to lie low for the night. There, Lara finally revealed the Venus, still perfectly intact. Ivan couldn’t help but stare, torn between awe and exasperation, while his children marveled at the ancient treasure. He knew there’d be consequences, but with Lara’s unpredictable spirit, a quiet night in Jihlava was the best they could hope for.
Velehrad[edit | edit source]
The next day, they took a detour to Velehrad. Ivan, hoping to give his children another enriching experience, thought a visit to one of the country’s most revered sites would be a perfect choice. Velehrad’s basilica was a grand place steeped in history, a monument to Czech heritage and a symbol of the country’s deep-rooted traditions. Ivan was particularly proud to share this slice of culture with his kids and had no reason to suspect that Lara had anything other than sightseeing in mind.
As they arrived, Ivan parked the Tatra with great care, choosing a spot he thought would shield it from the bustling visitors and any unexpected trouble. After all, with the previous day’s shenanigans and the “mysterious” theft of his windshield wipers in Brno, he wasn’t taking any more chances with his prized car. He ushered his children and Lara into the basilica, confident that this stop would be a more subdued experience.
Inside, Ivan’s attention was absorbed by the basilica’s towering pillars, intricately painted walls, and sacred artifacts. He guided his children through the basilica’s history, pointing out its unique architectural details and retelling the legends of saints who had walked its halls. The kids listened intently, enraptured by their father’s stories.
Meanwhile, Lara, ever the opportunist, had her eye on the basilica’s treasures. Slipping away while Ivan was deep in explanation, she began exploring the basilica's lesser-known nooks and crannies. Moving with practiced ease, she located a collection of ancient artifacts, some adorned with gleaming gems, others embossed with intricate golden patterns. Her gaze sharpened on a trove of treasures tucked away in a side chapel: twenty rare gemstones glimmered in the low light, and an aged manuscript lay, untouched for centuries, on a velvet cushion nearby. Unable to resist, Lara swiftly stashed the gems and the manuscript into her bag, confident she wouldn’t be noticed.
Rejoining Ivan and the kids, Lara maintained a casual demeanor, as if nothing out of the ordinary had occurred. With their tour of the basilica complete, they made their way back to the Tatra, ready to head home. Ivan, having thoroughly enjoyed sharing the basilica’s beauty with his children, suggested returning to Prague, partly to regroup after their adventures and partly to keep his precious car out of further harm’s way.
As they drove back, the children chatted excitedly about the basilica, unaware of Lara’s secret haul. Ivan, too, was in high spirits, relishing the day’s memories and looking forward to planning their next adventure from the safety of home. Lara, leaning back in her seat with a subtle smirk, gazed out the window as Prague’s skyline came into view. With her recent acquisitions tucked safely away, she pondered where the road might lead them next.
It's bad:[edit | edit source]
That evening, Ivan was looking forward to a well-deserved break. He stretched out on the couch, ready to unwind with a film on ČST, the national television channel. His children were asleep, and Lara was busy with something in the next room. Just as Ivan settled in, the familiar gong of the ČST news bulletin broke through the air, grabbing his attention. He watched as the brief news report began—standard fare, he thought, until the screen filled with images of stolen artifacts: statues, manuscripts, even the fabled St. Wenceslas Crown and, shockingly, the Venus of Věstonice.
His mind raced. He’d seen that Venus statue earlier... and now it was flashing across the TV, listed as missing and under investigation. An unsettling thought took hold of him. Following his instincts as a seasoned investigator, he walked over to Lara’s room, hoping—praying, even—that this was just a coincidence. But when he opened the door, his fears were confirmed. There, on the bed, lay a shocking collection of priceless artifacts, including the Venus and several other treasures he recognized from the report.
Lara looked up, a mixture of amusement and mild exasperation in her eyes. Ivan’s mouth fell open. “Lara… are you kidding me? This is serious!” he said, his voice a low hiss.
She only shrugged, flashing him a smirk. “I knew I couldn’t keep secrets from you forever, Detective.”
An argument followed, brief but heated. Ivan demanded answers, but Lara, with her usual charm, parried every accusation. She defended her “finds” as archaeological discoveries, her methods as “unconventional,” and hinted that, ultimately, she was just rescuing history from decay and obscurity. Frustrated but unable to resist her spell, Ivan reluctantly agreed not to turn her in. As a compromise, he insisted she return some of the artifacts—someday.
“So, what now?” Lara asked, raising an eyebrow. Ivan sighed, relenting, and they agreed on their next destination: the Basilica of St. Zdislava in Jablonné v Podještědí, a spot rich in legend and beauty. For now, though, they decided to stretch their legs with a nighttime stroll through Vrchlický’s Park, seeking a bit of calm after their tense exchange.
As they strolled through the darkened park, the peace was soon interrupted by a belligerent drunk who stumbled toward them, slurring insults. Ivan, already on edge from his conversation with Lara, warned him to back off, but the man only grew more aggressive. Tensions escalated quickly, and before Ivan knew it, the drunk had shoved him. Ivan, ready to defend himself, moved to subdue him—until he noticed a glint of metal. The drunk had a gun.
Before Ivan could react, Lara reached into his coat, deftly retrieving his service pistol. In a flash, she aimed and fired, and the drunk collapsed to the ground. Shocked, Ivan crouched by the man’s body, his pulse pounding as he checked for any sign of life. Lara stepped forward and muttered, “Look at his coat.” A small tattoo on the man’s hand confirmed it—he was no ordinary drunk but a low-level enforcer for one of the country’s growing mafia families, part of a wave of organized crime that had surged in the country after the recent revolution.
Ivan and Lara exchanged a heavy look. This was more than either had bargained for, and as the distant wail of sirens began to fill the air, they knew their adventure had just taken a darker turn.
As the sound of sirens grew closer, Ivan and Lara knew they had to act fast if they wanted to avoid a cascade of questions and a drawn-out investigation. Lara quickly scanned the park and spotted an oversized plastic bag discarded behind a nearby bush. She grabbed it without a word, and together they hurriedly wrapped the body. With a practiced efficiency, they carried it to Ivan's car, heaving it into the trunk and closing it carefully, hoping the late hour would keep them unnoticed.
The drive through the empty streets of Prague was silent, punctuated only by the hum of the engine. Ivan kept his focus on the road, his mind racing through the risks they were taking, while Lara watched the city lights pass by, her expression unreadable. They arrived at the Motol crematorium, its gates closed and the grounds dimly lit. Ivan, using a spare key he'd acquired during a past investigation, unlocked the side entrance, and they carried the body inside.
In the hushed, sterile stillness of the crematorium, they placed the body on a trolley and moved it toward the furnace. Ivan hesitated only for a moment before pushing the trolley inside, sealing the compartment, and activating the cremation cycle. He watched as flames licked up around the figure through the small, heatproof window, his face set in a grim expression. With a final look, he turned off the lights, and they slipped back out into the quiet night.
The next morning, after a few hours of sleep that neither would call restful, they set off for Jablonné v Podještědí. Ivan, still shaken by the previous night but masking it well, found solace in the towering grandeur of the Basilica of St. Zdislava. He marveled at the intricate architecture, the quiet sense of peace it radiated—a stark contrast to the events of the night before. While he wandered through the nave, lost in the majesty of the basilica, Lara had other plans.
Moving with the silent precision that had become her trademark, she slipped away and found an entrance to the basilica’s subterranean chambers. Here, nestled in the ancient stone vaults, were relics and artifacts of immense historical value, kept away from the public eye. With a practiced hand, Lara inspected the most precious items, selecting only the finest pieces to pocket. She moved swiftly, knowing her time was limited.
When she rejoined Ivan above ground, she wore an innocent smile, and they left the basilica as if nothing had happened. The sacred and the profane had met under the basilica’s ancient stones, and with their departure, Lara carried yet another piece of history into the shadows.
Encounter with Prague myths[edit | edit source]
When Ivan and Lara returned to Prague, they decided to unwind with dinner at a cozy restaurant in the heart of the old city. After their meal, they strolled through the cobbled streets, the crisp night air laced with the soft glow of street lamps and the faint hum of distant city life. As they crossed a quiet square, Ivan’s gaze shifted upward, drawn to a shadow darting across the rooftops.
Lara followed his stare, squinting to make out the strange figure that seemed to leap effortlessly from one roof to another. Ivan’s face was a mixture of surprise and fascination. “That,” he whispered, “is Pérák.”
She raised an eyebrow, intrigued. Ivan explained, “A legendary figure from the war. They say he leapt across rooftops, tormenting German soldiers during the occupation, almost like a Czech folk hero.”
As they watched, Pérák’s nimble silhouette approached closer until, with a flick of his wrist, he seemed to disappear into thin air. Ivan’s hand flew to his wrist, suddenly realizing his new digital Casio watch was gone. It had been a rare, early-model gift to himself for Christmas, and now it was in the hands of a mythical figure.
Lara stared in bewilderment as Ivan’s eyes narrowed, his pragmatic mind already working through a solution. Without a word, he drew his service pistol, a silencer firmly in place, and took careful aim at the rooftop where he last saw the figure darting. With one precise, quiet shot, Pérák fell, landing softly in the shadowed alleyway below.
They approached the lifeless figure and retrieved the Casio from his hand, its familiar face flashing innocently. Ivan slid the watch back onto his wrist, casting a quick glance at the figure’s oddly anachronistic clothing and spring-loaded shoes. Lara could hardly contain her curiosity. “What will we do with… him?” she asked, staring at the fallen legend.
Ivan considered, his tone steady. “He’ll make a fine exhibit for the National Museum,” he said, already planning the hand-off to museum officials. After all, it was a rare moment when myth met reality in such an undeniable way. With a nod, they walked back into the night, and soon after, Ivan settled in for a well-earned night’s sleep, his Casio ticking steadily on his wrist once more.
The next day, Lara fully embraced her “Tomb Raider” spirit, dragging Ivan along for another visit to St. Vitus Cathedral. As they wandered through the cathedral's hallowed halls, Ivan took in the architecture, marveling at the grandeur. But Lara had other plans. Slipping away while he was distracted, she darted through a side passage, her eyes already on a few rare artifacts tucked into alcoves. Swiftly, she pocketed a medieval goblet and an ancient reliquary, her fingers barely grazing the surface before the artifacts were hidden away.
But as she made her way toward a particularly ornate candlestick, she felt a chill in the air. Out of the shadows loomed a headless knight, armor glinting in the dim light. With a heavy sword raised high, he charged at Lara. She dodged, grabbing onto a nearby stone ledge and pulling herself up, narrowly avoiding his swing. The chase led them through the narrow spaces of the cathedral—across ledges, around columns, and up stone staircases. They grappled on the precipices, the knight's blade slicing through the air as Lara skillfully leapt from one ledge to the next. Finally, with a deft twist and one last powerful kick, she managed to send the knight tumbling back into the shadows, defeated.
Meanwhile, blissfully unaware of Lara's skirmish, Ivan had wandered off toward a nearby food stand, craving a classic street snack. He ordered a steaming klobása with a frothy Kofola and took a seat near the tram stop, casually watching the Prague trams roll by. Just as he was finishing his drink, a skeleton dressed in tattered robes sidled up beside him, holding out a bony hand.
“Got any spare change for a fellow in need?” the skeleton rasped.
Ivan chuckled, brushing him off. “Not today, friend.” But as Ivan looked away, the skeleton had other plans. With a swift movement, the bony hand dipped into Ivan’s coat pocket, plucking out a crisp 100 Kčs bill.
By the time Ivan realized, the skeleton was already making a getaway, rattling with laughter. Furious, Ivan stormed over, seized the skeleton by the collar, and with one determined twist, yanked off its skull. The skeleton collapsed into a pile of bones on the pavement. Ivan pocketed the skull as a trophy, muttering, “You picked the wrong detective to rob.”
Just then, Ivan and Lara reunited at the tram stop at Malostranská. Lara looked on in horror—and a hint of amusement—as Ivan proudly held up the skull, explaining his impromptu collection with a shrug. “Got inspired by you, Lara. The skeleton was a thief.”
They rode the tram to Old Town Square, where Ivan marveled at the Astronomical Clock while Lara disappeared around the back. Moments later, there was a loud snap as she pried a few of the Apostle figures loose from the clock. By the time she returned, the Astronomical Clock looked… well, a bit diminished.
Ivan glanced at her new stash, rolling his eyes. “Really, Lara?”
But instead of arguing, they exchanged a silent smirk, both aware that it was only a matter of time before their next peculiar adventure in Prague’s shadowed alleys would begin.
Krkonoše experience[edit | edit source]
A few days later, Ivan and Lara set out to the Krkonoše Mountains for a bit of sightseeing. Ivan wanted to show her the rugged beauty of his homeland, convinced the fresh mountain air would do them both good. But Lara, always chasing excitement, seemed less than impressed by the sweeping vistas and tranquil forests. The quiet felt almost stifling to her—she’d much rather be facing down peril or stalking rare relics than wandering forest trails.
As they moved deeper into the woods, Lara felt something small crunch underfoot. She lifted her boot to see the crumpled body of a jay. She barely gave it a second look, but Ivan’s face fell.
“You didn’t just… Lara, that’s Krakonoš’s jay!” he said, with a mix of alarm and disbelief. Lara raised an eyebrow, amused.
“It’s a bird, Ivan,” she shrugged. “You’re acting like it’s cursed or something.”
“Worse,” Ivan muttered. “It’s a sojka práskačka, a tattletale jay. Krakonoš’s personal spy.”
As the words left his mouth, a thick mist began to coil around the trees, closing in around them. The air grew colder, and Lara glanced at Ivan, only slightly more interested now. Just then, from the depths of the fog, a towering figure materialized—a man with a long, flowing beard, a rough-hewn staff in hand, and eyes that gleamed with a piercing, ancient fury. It was Krakonoš, the mountain spirit and protector of the Krkonoše, his face twisted with anger as he surveyed the two trespassers.
Krakonoš raised his staff, thunder rumbling ominously in the distance as he pointed it in their direction. “Who dares strike down my sentinel?” his voice boomed, echoing through the trees.
Without hesitation, Lara launched herself forward with a flurry of strikes, her movements graceful but deadly, a perfect blend of agility and brute strength. Krakonoš parried her attack with a swing of his staff, knocking her back a step. But Lara was relentless, using her signature moves to dart around his defenses, disarming him in one fluid motion before landing a powerful kick to his chest. Krakonoš staggered back, stunned.
Ivan, already on edge, took advantage of the opening. With a quick, professional motion, he drew his sidearm and fired, delivering a clean shot that sent the spirit of the mountains crashing to the ground. He holstered his weapon, muttering something about “neutralizing potential threats.” Lara shot him an amused look.
“You couldn’t just let me have a little fun?” she asked with a wry smile.
With Krakonoš defeated, they wrapped his formidable, towering body in a tarp they’d had in the car—a precaution Ivan had brought “just in case”—and struggled to haul the mountain spirit back through the woods to the waiting vehicle. Loading him into the trunk took all of their combined strength, his bulk almost too much even for their teamwork.
Under the cover of night, they drove back to Prague, headlights cutting through the mist as they descended from the mountains. When they arrived in the city, they pulled up at the National Museum, where Ivan—under the pretense of a donation to the “natural history collection”—convinced the night guard to open the service entrance. As they wheeled Krakonoš’s body into a secure, temperature-controlled chamber, Ivan felt a strange pang. After all, Krakonoš was an icon of the mountains, a guardian of Czech folklore and legend.
But Lara, unbothered, was already eyeing the museum’s priceless artifacts, hinting at plans for future “discoveries.”
With Krakonoš safely stowed away for posterity (or study, depending on how much he was worth to the museum), they finally returned to Ivan’s apartment, tired but pleased with the night’s work.
The following morning, a headline in Rudé Právo hinted at a mysterious new acquisition at the National Museum, “an object of immense folklore significance.” Ivan shook his head at the headline as he sipped his coffee, amused. He’d wanted to keep the Krkonoše simple, a place of peace and nostalgia, but once again, Lara had turned even a quiet mountain stroll into another strange and dangerous chapter in their lives. He couldn’t help but smile as she breezed into the kitchen, already planning their next “outing.”
Ústí nad Labem[edit | edit source]
Their final journey led them to Ústí nad Labem, where Ivan, feeling optimistic about post-revolutionary Czechoslovakia, hoped to show Lara a different side of the newly democratic country. The plan was simple: a visit to the medieval Střekov Castle and the elegant Velké Březno Chateau. Yet as they drove deeper into Ústí, Lara’s unease became palpable. She peered out the window, her expression tense as they passed shabby buildings and crumbling streets. It was unlike anything she’d expected, and a different sort of fear settled over her—one rooted less in adrenaline and more in the harsh reality of this transitioning city.
Passing through the infamous Mojžíř ghetto, her discomfort only grew. A group of locals loitered in the street, and the remnants of past struggles clung to the air. The scene outside was chaotic: broken-down cars, graffiti-covered walls, and alleys littered with trash. Lara, unaccustomed to this kind of harsh urban life, turned pale, feeling a sickness churning in her stomach. She tried to look away, but it was too late. The nausea overwhelmed her, and, before she could help it, she leaned forward and threw up on the passenger-side floor mat. Ivan grimaced but kept his eyes on the road, sighing. Just then, a sharp thud made him look back at the rearview mirror—only to find it missing. A group of kids had pried it off and were already sprinting into the alleys. Ivan muttered a curse under his breath, glancing down at the soiled interior and wondering if this detour had been worth it.
At Střekov Castle, they were finally able to escape the rough streets. The castle perched high above the river, and Ivan could see Lara’s spirit return a bit as she wandered through the old walls and forgotten corridors, her fingers trailing over stone that had withstood centuries. She moved with purpose, occasionally stopping to slip an ancient relic or two into her bag. Ivan merely raised an eyebrow—by now, he knew better than to argue. They moved on to Velké Březno Chateau, where Lara continued her impromptu “collection,” her eyes alight once again as she liberated an assortment of valuables she deemed worthy of preservation.
By evening, they were back in Ivan’s car, driving toward Prague. Lara had recovered her spirits, her mind already buzzing with plans for her newfound treasures. Meanwhile, Ivan, exhausted, glanced once at the stolen mirror in his back seat, the soiled mat at Lara’s feet, and then at the highway stretching out before him. He could only shake his head.
Out of Czechoslovakia[edit | edit source]
As Lara prepared to depart Czechoslovakia once and for all, she carefully packed up her “acquisitions,” stowing the St. Wenceslas Crown, the Venus of Věstonice, and an assortment of historical relics into a battered but sturdy suitcase. Ivan, watching her with a mixture of exasperation and bemused resignation, finally shook his head and gave her a quick nod of acknowledgment. On the drive to the airport, they chatted amiably, Ivan steering the conversation toward safer topics—keeping clear of her bold "rescues" of Czechoslovak history.
As they pulled into the airport parking lot, the unexpected happened. Four men in scruffy clothes approached, feigning indifference but clearly eying the car with ill intent. Ivan noticed them too late. In a flurry of clanking metal and hasty disassembly, the men attacked the vehicle with stunning efficiency. Before Ivan could even protest, they had stripped his car down to a bare shell, leaving only the empty frame, missing doors, and half of the undercarriage.
When the dust settled and the men were gone, Ivan looked over his remaining "vehicle" in shocked silence. Lara, suppressing a smirk, took one last look at him. "Thank you, Ivan," she said with genuine warmth, hefting her suitcase.
"Safe travels, Lara," he replied, managing a faint smile despite the sorry sight before him.
With a final wave, he watched as she disappeared into the terminal. Resigned, Ivan pocketed his keys, glanced back at the gutted remains of his once-reliable car, and made his way toward the bus stop, hoping the ride home would offer at least a little peace after his whirlwind time with Lara.
Legacy[edit | edit source]
Lara settled comfortably into her London flat, surrounded by crates of treasures that represented more than just valuable artifacts. Each piece held a story, a slice of history she felt intimately connected to. She carefully displayed some of the items around her home, with the fabled St. Wenceslas Crown and the Venus of Věstonice holding places of honor. For her, these weren’t stolen relics; they were rescues from obscurity, trophies of her skill and perseverance.
Back in Prague, Ivan resumed his work with the police, his mind constantly returning to Lara and the illicit relics he knew were in her possession. Assigned to investigate the very thefts she’d committed, he was caught in a moral struggle. Truth, or loyalty? The evidence he held could easily expose her, but his own involvement would also come under fire. Instead, Ivan chose to mark everything as inconclusive, citing lack of evidence and conflicting testimonies. He skillfully sidestepped suspicion, filing the case away as unsolved.
Despite the distance and the secrets between them, Lara and Ivan remained in touch, their exchanges cloaked in coded language and inside jokes. She’d send postcards from obscure locations, sometimes including cryptic messages or veiled hints about her latest adventures. Ivan, though keenly aware of the ethical compromise he’d made, couldn’t help but smile at her messages. She was a reminder of his own dalliance with the extraordinary, a life that hovered just beyond the rigid lines of duty.
In London, Lara thrived, surrounded by her carefully curated treasures. Ivan, meanwhile, quietly adjusted to the knowledge that his life had been forever altered by their unlikely alliance. For now, he chose to let the secrets lie buried, preserving the mystery of her escapades—and his own part in them.