L3/35

A poor artist's attempt at making a vector "drawing" of the L3/33 or /L3/35

The L3/35 (also known as the Italian Screaming Sardine Can, the Microtank of Mild Inconvenience, or “PLEASE STOP SHOOTING AT IT, IT’S TRYING ITS BEST”) was Italy’s attempt at creating an armored vehicle that technically counted as a tank, legally counted as a coffin, and spiritually counted as a cry for help.

Developed in the 1930s when Mussolini said “We need tanks,” and Italian engineers replied “We have metal boxes,” the L3/35 was born. It features light armor, light firepower, and light relevance in actual combat.

It was crewed by two Italians who later demanded hazard pay for psychological damage.

History

Italy, jealous of everyone else having real tanks, decided to build their own. However:

Budget: no

Time: no

Steel: barely

Self‑respect: negative

Thus, the L3/35 emerged as a “tank” in the same way a cardboard box becomes a “house” for a toddler.

It was deployed in numerous conflicts, usually to distract enemy fire from tanks that actually mattered. In reports, the L3/35’s battlefield role is officially listed as:

Reconnaissance

Patrol

“Taking The Bullets So The Real Tanks Don’t Have To”

Armour

The L3/35’s armor is famously described as:

“Thin enough to let the crew know what caliber hit them.”

“Technically metal, if we’re being generous.”

“Resistant to at least three things: dust, light rain, and harsh language.”

Armor thickness ranged from 6 mm to 12 mm, depending on whether the factory had metal that day.

Crews often reinforced the armor with:

Sandbags

Hope

Pasta boxes

Despite these upgrades, the L3/35 remained vulnerable to:

Rifles

Machine guns

Harsh stares

Disappointment

The concept of physics

Firepower

The L3/35’s primary weapon was:

Two machine guns, or

One machine gun and a flamethrower, for people who hated themselves

These weapons were effective at:

Killing infantry

Starting small fires

Annoying tanks

These weapons were NOT effective at:

Penetrating armor

Penetrating walls

Penetrating the enemy’s will to fight

Impressing anyone

A tank crew once wrote in a report:

“Enemy tank did not notice our presence even after 200 rounds.” —Cpl. Giovanni “Please Promote Me” Romano

Mobility

The L3/35 could reach 26 mph, assuming:

Flat ground

No mud

No hills

No grass

No wind

Its engine produced 43 horsepower, or 172 horsepower if measured in Italian Optimism Units (IOUs).

Because of its small size and weight, the L3/35 could:

Be pushed by the crew

Be lifted by four determined men

Be bullied by goats

Fit inside a garage, basement, horse stable, or large wardrobe

Crew

The crew consisted of:

Driver

Gunner

(Optional) Third guy who regretted all life choices

Their combined duties included:

Driving

Shooting

Praying

Coordinating who screams first when they get shot

Crew complaints included:

“Too small.”

“Too cramped.”

“Too flammable.”

“Too Italian.”

Design Flaws

Despite its heroic attempts at tankhood, the L3/35 had minor issues, such as:

1. “The Paper Issue”

Armor was so thin that in at least one battle a soldier reportedly yelled:

“I can see the crew through it!” Enemy reply: “Shoot them then!”

2. Stability

The tank flipped over if exposed to obstacles such as:

Rocks

Curbs

Small bumps

Slight inclines

The concept of turning

3. Flamethrower Variant

Pros:

Fire

Cons:

Fire

Inside your tank

4. Noise

The engine produced a distinctive whine described as:

“A dying lawnmower begging for release.”

Combat Usage

L3/35s were deployed in:

Ethiopia

North Africa

Greece

Anywhere Italy wanted to appear threatening but not too threatening

In battle, the L3/35 was often used for:

Reconnaissance

Training

Target practice

Acting as a “fake tank” to trick enemies into wasting ammo

A platoon of L3/35s once engaged a British Matilda II. All six L3s were destroyed, and the Matilda reportedly “did not notice.”

Variants

L3/35 (Regular Version)

Machine guns and regret.

L3/35 LF (Flamethrower Version)

Because nothing says “safety” like gas tanks inside a tin can.

L3/38

Slightly better armor. Still bad.

L3/35 (Command Version)

Had a radio. Immediately became the first target.

L3/35 (Truck Version)

Basically the same thing but worse.

Trivia

Crews called it “The Barely Armored Poetic Experience.”

The L3/35 once bounced a bullet. Scientists still debate how.

It is the only tank in history officially classified as “Too Adorable to Shoot” by one Allied soldier.

One was knocked out by a thrown rock.

It could be defeated by charging infantry.

It was banned from tank duels because it made the other tanks feel guilty.