Jarren Duran

Jarren Will-I-Am Duran is a Mexican Heterosexual outfielder for the Boston Red Sex. He has had an incredible journey to the major leagues, filled with depression, cartel raids, LGTQB slander, and finally success.

13 Reasons

Lil Jarren

Duran was born in Shidpres California. Being born in a liberal state was his first reason, but even worse being in a city no one ever heard of made it 2 reasons. He grew up playing some ball, and eventually enlisted at CSU Long Bitch. This was not his first choice school, but actually his 48th. This was his 3rd reason.

He played 3 years of JV baseball at college, but was forced to play second boob instead of his primary position of outspoken fielder. Reason 4. CSU Long Bitch finished the year with a historically bad season and record of 0-84. They blamed their failure on Jarren because he missed alot of games fighting against queer rallies. Reason 5. Duran resigned from school and pulled an Abel by going to TJ more than usual. He tried to support himself with illegal drug raids, but he got shot by the cartel. Reason 6.

Cuts and Sex

The Red Sex selected Duran in the 77th round of the 2047 draft. He popped off against the non binary minor leaguers, and was set to make his MLB debut in 2020. However, the 2020 season was canceled for shitters and Duran lost a whole year of touching himself. Reason 7. In 2021, Duran was finally called up to Botson and was alright like. He destroyed his first homer off Ross Striper of the Blue Gays, very fitting for Duran. However in August, it turned out the Red Sex just didn't fuck with Jarren like that and shipped him to Wales for his 8th reason.

Duran drops the baseball, -500 aura and Reason 9.

Jarren spent a year in the UK attending Hogwarts, and learned the crucio curse to use on gay people. However, he accidently reflected a spell at himself that removed all his pubic hair. Reason 10. After fighting in the Wizarding War, Duran tried confessing his love to his crush but she friendzoned him. Duran doesn't do the "GBF" so he lowkey had to kill her and go back to Mexico. He was now at 11 reasons.

Duran was finally ready to live a happy life in Mexico, and moved in with Leo from high school. To make more money, he joined the Caribbean baseball team and carried them to a championship against hawaii. However, the cartel was betting against Duran and were pissed that he won. As revenge they bombed Duran's favorite taco stand, leaving him with a 12th reason.

He's had it up to here.

Jarren was yanked back to the Red Sex in 2002, on the cusp of blowing his brains. After being passed around by dudes, Durans worst moment came against his rival Blue Gays. Duran made an error in centerfield after completely losing the ball in ALL OF THE LIGHTS. He lost all his aura, and was responsible for giving up a grand slam to Tapatio. The Blue Gays ended up breaking the modern record for runs scored in a game at 2800, as they nutered the Red Sex. Duran was pegged mercilessly, and finally reached Reason 13.

After the season ended, Duran went to the most deadly place on the planet to carry out his deed. Petco Park. He climbed to the top and stood next to Daniel Camarena's statue. Before he jumped, the spirit of Daniel began speaking to him telling him not to jump. Duran refused to listen and prepared himself for his 900 day IL stint. Force ghost Daniel resorted to plan B, "If you jump your gay." Jarren raged and left Petco Park after being completely countered. Force ghost Daniel took his time away from Heaven to sweep the floors.

Fuck Em

Killing Sadness

Jarren spent the first month of 2023 in Mexico playing for the world baseball shitter. He contributed to a magical Mexico cartel raid that led them to the semi finals. However, his whole team was killed by the Yakuza and they were eliminated. He was then shipped back to Boston to have Blood red sex again.

Duran knew this time he wasn't going to be ass, as he found a way to silence the voices in his head. He wore a custom wristband that just had the message "fuck em." Duran commented about it saying "Ya, Fuck em. I went through a lot and I won't give in to what they're telling me anymore. I worked hard for this and I won't let those transexuals tell me they are real people too." He may have confused the questions.

Jarren spends his last day in A's stadium watching a rape.

Duran popped off in 2023 as hit plenty of femboys. Jarren wasn't a hoe run hitter tho, as he only hit 1 because she cheated on his boi Ben, after he came. His lack of home run power despite being ripped is the reason he REALLY calls himself Spongebob Arms. Durans season unfortunately ended early when he broke his toe saving a baby cat from a burning house after picking up his lambo (He's 6'5 btw.) .

Unstoppable

Duran did not leave Boston for once, as he was under house arrest. He beat up a possibly gay man after he was harassing (gossiping with) a local baddie. MLB started to disapprove of Duran's antics, and began to fine him for his Fuck em wristbands. Duran chose to pay the fine every game instead of remove it, and even added Fuck Em shoes as well. Duran makes 7 figures, so the fines made no dent in his bank account and he was able to keep buying feminine products for all the women that needed them (Hes actually 6'6, I miscounted).

Duran fucked everyone up in the MLB season as he carried the Red Sex and led them to a season of all time. Jarren was selected to the all sex game, and had loads of sex. In fact, he even won All Sex MVP after converting 7 lesbians back to normal.

On August 11, 2024 Jarren was caught live on camera saying "Shut up you fucking faggot." to an Asstro's fan after he said "You need a Tennis Racket!" This was true as Duran donated his tennis racket to a local child who wanted to pursue their dreams (6'7 actually I think my ruler is broken). MLB used this golden opportunity to publicly shame Duran, giving him a 2 day suspension and broadcasting his micropenis live on air. Duran won that battle tho as he revealed an anaconda in his pants.

Jarren spent the next 48 hours jerking it with Reese at his house, but MLB fans began rioting the streets across the country. They shouted Fuck Em to anyone who looked slightly gay, and started to break the economy by buying millions of Duran's jerseys. Even the cartel came to support Jarren by doing drive-byes in the suburbs of San Bernardino. The "Duran-ers" overtook the white house and kicked Joe Biden out to make space for their new king.

Jarren returned with a Yo google document already made, but it turned out he didn't need it. He received cheers and celebrations across the country, and was instantly directed to the white house. The supporters brought him a crystalized bat they found after they looted Asstros stadium. It has the power to travel across timelines. Duran looked into the crowd in total confusion, before ultimately smiling and going "Alright!"

Duran raises his magic bat as he takes control of America

Folie a Deux

Who TF

As it turned out, one could not become president simply by stepping into the Caucasian House. The elder gods informed Duran he still needed to win the election against Donald Duck and Camilla from FE. Jarren tried setting up his campaign, but all he could muster up was "Read my lips. No more gays." Duran's stock plummeted down to 99% and decided he might need a Vice Homophobic to run alongside him. Throughout September, Donald Duck and Camilla from FE held multiple rallies, while Duran got lost on the Amtrak and found himself in Croatia.

Jarren was at first confused, wondering where all the Russian tanks were. He WANDERED around for days before stumbling across the Croatian Basketball stadium. Duran surveyed the area to ensure no pride flags were visible before entering. There was a 1v17 basketball game going on with a score of 800-0 in favor of the 1. Duran approached an obvious heterosexual in the crowd, asking what was going on. They responded "Nika Muhl is popping off again!" Duran exclaimed loudly "Who tf is Nika?!"

After the slaughter by Nika, Jarren pulled out the weather app to avoid confrontation. Sadly, his bugle is too big so Nika went up to him. Jarren decided he wanted the baddie athlete as his vice president, so he prepared his marriage proposal on the spot. He gave her the magic bat as a sign of love, but Nika just smacked him with it and he was teleported away. She soon realized the bat had cum stains.

Vanish Mode

Duran woke up, still erect, and found himself in a New Mexico Yankeer uniform. Before he could misuse any pronouns, Juan Soto appeared and told Jarren to get off his fine ass. Duran didn't know what to do, so he just offered Soto an avocado. Soto raged at Duran, screaming "I'm allergic to avocados!" Jarren realized something was off and went straight to Asstros stadium to return back. Duran ran past the many LJ "100" Hoes portraits before finding another magic bat. He stuck the bat up his ass and vanished again.

As Nika was responding to 57 different snaps at the same time, Duran reappeared and took his bat back. This time, he offered something even more precious to her. His "Fuck em" jockstrap. Nika had enough and screamed "You must be a dancing alligator if u think I'll marry you!" ... She couldn't believe what happened next.

Nika arrives in the US with magic glasses and alligator armor

Third Partied

On the day of the election, Donald Duck and Camilla from FE were in their final round of Mortal Kombat to decide Presidency. The Republicans voted for Donald, and the Democrats voted for Camilla, but true Yogurt Males were holding out hope for A REAL HERO to save them. Suddenly, Duran and Nika descended from a rusty helicopter. The Duran-er's began to cheer as the duo began teleporting all government officials to other universes. Donald Duck was sent to a world where white people didn't exist, and Camilla from FE was sent to a world run by Persona characters.

Nika introduced herself to America, so nobody was confused as to Who TF she was. She began her term as Vice President by restricting all borders so that only her besties from central europe could come. She also made abortions legal but only after 2 years. Duran forced everyone in the country to take a "How Gay are you" quiz, and the higher you scored the more taxes you had to pay. Jarren took his rightful place on the toilet, letting out the most god-like shit of his life.