HowTo:Make a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

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"How do I make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich", you ask? First go to planet Neptune. Gather plutonium and the finest quality of obsidian. Choke a frog, take out it's insides and stuff the plutonium and obsidian up it's eye sockets. Viola!

Alternatively, use the following method:

Inspect cupboard for peanut butter and jelly jars

Surely they have to be around here somewhere. There's honey, and almond butter, but we are making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Unless of course, you changed your mind already. No? Then keep looking. There's plenty of canned vegetables, including that can of diced green chiles, but this is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, not a peanut butter and chile sandwich. You can make one of those later. What on earth is that toy soldier doing in the cupboard - I'll have to ask the kids about that one later. Then there's all the canned fruit, I suppose you *could* make jelly with that, but you *know* you have some around here somewhere. Marmalade? That will do for jelly, I suppose. Oh now you remember, the peanut butter is in the refrigerator, because its the "natural" kind, you know the kind that you have to stir before using or it separates out into peanut oil and stuff. Maybe its behind the milk? Or the orange juice? Plenty of leftovers in there, plus a head of lettuce. Ah, there it is, towards the very back of the refrigerator, naturally. Too bad the doors are too full of other condiments to store the peanut butter there, it would've been so much more convenient.

Get out the bread

It should be either in the cupboard, the fridge, or the freezer. Surely you remember where you keep the bread? Oh no, here we go again... Okay, its not in the cupboard, and I didn't notice it in the refrigerator while looking for the peanut butter. Perhaps its in the freezer. Lets see, what do we have here: ice cream! (Time for a quick snack....no wait, that would blow my diet.) Several tv dinners, some frozen meat and some frozen vegetables, several frozen cans of juice, a bag of ice...ah here we go. Finally, the bread.

Defrost the bread

The toaster will work nicely for this. Assuming you can break two slices off the heavily frozen loaf of bread. If not, use toaster oven, microwave, barbecue grill, or blowtorch, whichever happens to be most handy. Do try not to burn the bread in the process, if you can help it. You now have bread, or toast, to make your sandwich with, depending on the result.

Get out the knife

No, no, no. Not the sharp butcher's knife, nor the serrated knife, nor the paring knife. Those are too sharp to spread properly. We need a table knife. I knew I should've bought an organizer for that silverware drawer, but it didn't come with one and I guess I was trying to save a little money. Well time is money, and now I'm spending that money by wasting time looking for one darn knife amongst all the forks and spoons. No, not the measuring spoons, I don't need those. Not the serving spoons either, I don't need one of those, though I'm tempted to use one in place of a knife. Finally, there it is, the knife.

Open the jars

All right, who's the wiseguy strongman who last used the peanut butter? This doggone lid won't come off. Time to call in a random large male of the house. Unfortunately, he's sleeping, and you do not dare disturb him. Worse yet if that male is you, and you're too wimpy to open one simple jar. Try this female solution to the jar problem: run the lid under hot water and try not to burn yourself. Then open the lid with a towel.

Ewww

What are those yucky crusty things in the peanut butter? Are you really sure you want to eat that? If so, scrape them off, then wipe the knife with a towel, the good stuff must be under there somewhere. Then spread the peanut butter and jelly on the bread, and put the two pieces of bread peanut butter and jelly side in to make a sandwich. Otherwise, proceed to the next step.

Trip to the Supermarket

Time to buy a fresh jar of peanut butter, and something more tasty than marmalade. Obtain the goods from the correct aisle, then proceed to the checkout line. Wait about 15 minutes to 30 minutes, depending on which supermarket you picked. Read trashy magazines while in line, then put them back as the line moves forward. When it comes to your turn, pray that your credit card goes through. Otherwise, you may need to make a trip to the food bank.

Declined!

What, you don't have any other credit cards? Or any bank balance to speak of? Time to make a trip to the food bank. Unfortunately, since it is a weekend, they are closed. You'll pick up something on Monday, after a two-hour to four-hour wait, to find out that they don't carry peanut butter and jelly at the local food bank anyways. Instead they have plenty of damaged produce, frozen meat, dented cans of food, and stale baked goods. Try again next week, perhaps you'll have better luck next time.