HowTo:Lose Your Virginity

"What's up virgins"

Have you ever been at school, minding your own business with a Lunchable in hand while dreaming about Mr. Beast, when all the sudden the school bully appears to remind you that you (YOU), are a virgin? That shame you feel as the heat rises to your cheeks in response to an insult that hardly makes sense as you know very well that said bully believes he lost his virginity from kissing his mother good night? Well it is time for a change. You are going to lose your virginity!

The Process

"But author," you will say, "I'm a nerd with a 2 inch pecker who freezes up when a girl even glances my direction!" I of course will respond by bitch slapping you into oblivion before explaining the multi-step process that will get said 2 inches all up in some, and that will result in you being able to call yourself... a loser? Wait, so you lose your virginity... you lose... OK, whatever you won't be a virgin and that's what matters!

Step One: Talk to a Girl

While this is the hardest step in the process, it is unfortunately the most important. You will have to use your bipedal legs (or wheelchair arms) to move yourself into a position directly in front of a woman, (or man, but in this case we're going to assume you're a male, and if you're gay well, go ask your dad(s)), and open your mouth. What comes out of your mouth should be breath, (cleansed with a breath mint), and some words along the lines of: "Hi, my name is X and I think you're hot as a fireplace, wanna go back to my place and suck face?" She will either giggle or immediately file a restraining order against you. If you are allowed to continue, you must then ask her out on some sort of more proper date, as the pickup line is entirely meant to get attention and should not be taken as a plan.

Step Two: Butter Them Up

Some would imagine that sex immediately follows a date, but this is not the case. Matter of fact, this is the leading cause in 'virginityitis', a disease caused by lack of puss. You must set the mood, wait til the time is right, and not wait too long or else risk losing your chance. It is comparable to trying to drop a bomb on a target from a plane 16 miles in the sky moving at 1000 mph in the middle of the night with your eyes closed. Miss and you will be a virgin forever (until the next person), hit, and you're in.

Step Three: The Sex

If you're like me, you probable skipped straight to this one. Well lucky for you, I am an expert, a sexpert you might say. So! You somehow made all the connections and saw all the signs and now there you are in her/your room, staring at each other awkwardly. Or, maybe you're both on the couch attempting to awkwardly cuddle. Now, you must initiate a make out session. DO NOT skip this step, as this is the part that will eventually lead to pants coming off and such, in most cases. Now that you are busy inhaling her air and discovering what she ate earlier, get a little busy with the hands. Tap her forehead, boop her nose, tickle her ankles, all the typical stuff. ONCE AGAIN, do NOT rush this step, as moving too fast will result in you being ejected from the area. Since making out while sitting and standing is rather difficult, you logically find yourselves laying down, with one on top of the other. You, being a beta virgin, will most likely be on the bottom, but truth to be told, that is where you want to be! So what next? While all of this has been happening, your little 2" appendage has been turning itself to stone in anticipation of what's to "come." This is known as having a "boner", however the National Society of Skeletons is currently in Federal court fighting to change it to "peener" as "boner" is a racist slur against skeletons. She or you will then pull down your pants to get at your schlong and make it more accessible. You will then make the connection that your little guy is supposed to go in the place on her where you used to think girls had one too. Make sure to lube up first, either by letting her put it in her mouth, your own mouth, or just putting some grease from the stove on it. After that, make sure to miss the hole several times, and aim for the wrong spot. After a few of these misses, she will guide it in for you with an exasperated sigh. Then, its pound time! You're going to bust within 5 seconds max, so there's no need for me to explain or demonstrate any positions. Make sure to either pull out or use a damn condom, or else you are about to either pay child support for the next 18 years OR you are about to force yourself into a potentially loveless marriage.

Step Four: Victory?

Well, you've done it! Now that you are no longer a virgin, you discover that it really wasn't all that it was cracked out to be, and that apparently the credibility of a young man is ruled by whether or not he put his cock into a hole on a girl even for a few seconds. The girl also definitely never wants to see you again because of your 5 second feat of endurance and the fact that you splashed your yogurt on her thigh with an audible "uhhhhyeahhhhh", but she was simply a stepping stone to the greatness you have now achieved.

Step Five: The Flex

You aren't a virgin anymore, so now it is your constitutional right to go and insult everyone else who still is a virgin. Make sure they know that you put your cock in someone, and then busted a fat nut. They don't need to learn that you actually jizzed your pants before even asking her out or that you were a two pump chump, simply that you did do the deed at some point.