Horny Awards

The Horny Awards are held annually to recognize excellence in the adult film industry. Winners receive a Golden Phallus, a trophy made of 24 karat gold, crafted in the shape of a penis. The Horny Awards, founded by Oscar Wilde, are among the oldest and most respected award shows and receive coverage on those sleazy pay per view porn channels.

History

Apparently, the Golden Phallus trophy doubles as a lighter.

The Horny Awards have surprisingly enough been around even longer than the Oscars. The first version of the awards was held only two years after the camera was invented. During this time, 500 of history's first movies had already been made, and 480 of them were pornos. However, at the time, these early pornographic award ceremonies were called the "Lustfulness Awards," and the porns released at the time would be considered G rated by today's standards (interestingly enough, a porn video from this time period was released as a kids' film early last year, and has become highly popular). Most of the videos featured people kissing each other. The most scandalous one featured women dancing in dresses that revealed their ankles, and was considered so raunchy at the time that it gave Mark Twain and several others heart attacks. The winner of the first ever Horny Award was Thomas Edison, who starred in a solo porn video called "Now THAT's an interesting place to be screwing in a lightbulb!" The awards were discontinued in the early 1900s, not to be revived until last year.

Oscar Wilde co-starred and won a Horny Award for the critically acclaimed porn film, The Few, The Proud, The Nude

The Award Ceremony

The Horny Awards were revived last year in a sleazy brothel in New York City's red light district. They were hosted by critically acclaimed porn star and anti-censorship spokesperson, Ron Jeremy. Those attending the ceremony became frustrated with Jeremy, for he spent most of the ceremony trying to promote his already five-year-old film, "Hairy Lesbian Cannibals: Part IV." The show began with a five-minute montage of the raunchiest sex scenes in porn history set to the track, "Bow-chicka-bow-wow". A surprise guest appearance was made by TimeCube prophet, Gene Ray, who inexplicably delivered a nonsensical lecture on the nature of the TimeCube. He was immediately booed offstage. At the end of the award ceremony everyone attending was invited to come onstage and participate in an enormous orgy. By the end of the orgy three men had died after being sodomized with the Golden Phallus trophy by Oscar Wilde who was in a state of drunken celebration after winning the award for best actor. It took 3 weeks for 200 custodians to clean the resulting semen off the stage. Despite the controversy resulting from the deaths, the Horny Awards will be held this year in Las Vegas.

2006 Award Winners

Best Picture: 2001: A Space Orgy

Best Foreign Film: Osama Al Khali and the 47 Virgins

Best Actor: Oscar Wilde (The Few, The Proud, The Nude)

Best Actress: Paris Hilton (Another Blurry Sex Video)

Corniest Plot: Grinding Nemo

Worst Title: Grinding Nemo

Best Director: Unrelated Quote Guy and Peter Bogdanovich (Sex Seafood—surprisingly enough, not a porn film at all. However, one of the officials responsible for giving out the awards found lobsters to be incredibly arousing, and so gave the award to the pair anyway.)

Best Sex Scene: Adam and Eve: Young Lust (scene in which Adam, Eve, and Satan disguised as a snake have a threesome in the Garden of Eden)

Best Bassline During A Sex Scene: Giant Plastic Boobs (no specific scene)

Most Disturbing Sex Scene: The Secret Sexcapades of Yoko Ono and Steven Hawking (no specific scene)

Future Award Ceremonies

The Horny Awards have been steadily growing in popularity since last year's awards. "Adult movies actually have a lot of artistic value," says Svelma Nipples, a professor of pornography at the University of Michegan. Pornography has become a valued course at many of the nation's top schools, and as the popularity of porn has increased, so has the popularity of the awards. This year's awards ceremony will take place in the basement of the building in which the Oscars occur. Many new categories will be introduced, including most realistic fake boobs, best cum shooter, best fake orgasm sound maker, and best vagina.