Henrik Lundqvist
| This Piss is Being Reviewed.
This article is incomplete, but help is on the way. Please don't put it up for VFD or QVFD or slap any other maintenance templates on it until the
Also don’t even think about slapping an ICU on it. Help this page by leaving comments for its author on its talk page or on the article's entry in Pee Review. |
|||
King Henrik Lundqvist III was the king of Calgary, Alberta in the era of recession and turmoil, and is the current target in net for the New York Mangers. Henrik has been described as a hot, sensual version of Patrick Roy, the infamous French goal-target of the Scabitants. As a Manger, he has twice fought a member of his own team for blocking a shot he was going to miss anyways, and beat up a Philadelphia Cream Cheeser for existing, and the motives for this are unknown other than the rivalry between the 2 teams.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Lundqvist was born under King Henry of Sweden (Not a well-known king), and was said to possess the abilities to rule Sweden very well. This caused jealousy by some advisors that wished to kill Henry and become kings themselves, so they threw Henrik over a cliff. He was caught quickly by a happenning Canadian in the area, and carried him over to Calgary to raise him to be a slave. As Henrik grew up, he was forced to play hockey (he lived in Canada) and was prejudiced for being a slave, causing him to be placed in net to get pucks shot at him all game long. He showed incredible prowess and was immediately moved to the Calgary Flames at age 7, because he was better than every other player and the NHL showed pity on the Flames for their depressing team.
Rise to Kinghood[edit | edit source]
For a reason unknown to Henrik, he was known as King to his teammates and fans for his playing, which was godlike to them, but was only mediocre at best in reality. He got bored of hockey at 15, and having acquired much money from his NHL playing, was never a slave again. He thought since he was king, that he should show it, and bought a throne and installed it in Calgary's city hall. He sat on it and gave money to all of the corrupt politicians there (so each one) and became king. The population of Calgary was confused by this, but went with it because he'd probably be better than the corrupt government that they had already. In his tenure, he fared much better than the previous government, reducing riots to 50 a month, reducing homicide to 1/8th of the population per year and increased average salaries to 50 cents/hour. Hey, it's better than getting it all taken away by corrupt politicians.
New York Mangers[edit | edit source]
As the same thing happened every day, he decided to legally enter the NHL again at age 19, since he thought he was better defending nets than defending a city. He was picked 666th overall in the NHL draft, to the New York Mangers, who had no choice since the other choice was Sidney Crosby, and they didn't like little whiners. He became the backup's backup, with a salary of $1,000, over the logic that he should make $5,000 for every shot he will block. He actually ended up playing a game, since the other 2 goal-targets were involved in a Cream Cheese-Mangers fight, and both were beaten by Cream Cheese. He ended up getting a 1.000% save percentage, since he received no shots. The next game had him playing the Scabitants, and he ended up facing a shot by Josh GorgesOnHimself and moving his pads in the worst way possible, but still blocked it with his head, knocking him out and deflecting the puck into the two injured goal-targets in the audience, putting them into comas. He then became the starting goal-target and his salary rose to many millions of dollars a year since, because the Mangers really like spending pointless money on players who don't deserve it.
He recently started to live up to his salary, making many people revere him, but at the same time, the other players in the team became the worst puck-pushers that anyone has ever seen, which is more money spent on undeserving players. Some reasoning behind this was when Sidney Crosby got best dressed of the year on top of Henrik, making him angry and attacking the puck the players tried to shoot, preventing them from shooting at all. Now that he has been pulling the Rangers, they sit in a high position and even have quite a few goals for, mostly because the opposing players are too confused to be able to stop them, since Henrik actually stopped their shots.