Do It Yourself Medicine Vol. 1

These two snakes are somehow important to medicine in ways that our researchers haven't quite figured out why. Consult later volumes when published.

This easy to use and versatile manual was explicitly created so that you know what to do in the case of a medical emergency if you don't have medical insurance. This guide may also be of use if you are unable to operate on yourself and someone in your vicinity has pity for you. This guide should be read carefully and treated with serious care and respect and with a dose of optimism. At the very least you should have a feeling that this is your last hope or you might as well not bother.

This Volume begins with the upper body. For the rest of the body consult volumes II through MCVIII.

Vol 1: The Upper Body

The head is a fairly important part of the body for most people and is of a certain interest to medicine and medical research. It is where grey matter and cerebral fluid is contained (known as the brain stuff or mind jelly), it also holds many of the sensory organs which help you to be aware of the environment around you including the eyes which without one would not be able to ogle the hot receptionist at your office. The nose is also a helpful sensory organ in the head which aids respiration as well as certain inhalations as well. The digestive system begins in the head via the mouth. Teeth and the tongue are also essential for communication as well as evening long screaming matches.

What to do if you don't have a head?

We very much hope that you don't end up without your head attached to your neck.

• Go directly to Hollywood
• Make a movie
• Win an Oscar

What to do if your head falls off

• Stay calm and don't pick at the open wound or step on your head
• Go to a hat shop and steal one of the styrofoam mannequin heads
• Get some wigs, brushes, combs, markers and cut outs from magazines
• Assemble it all together and sew it to your neck
• Cross your fingers and hope that you fool everyone

What to do if you can't flex the muscles in your face?

• Consider no longer watching Jack Ass anymore
• Stop copying Jack Ass. They aren't funny and you're less funny when you imitate them
• Have a chiropractor crack all your bones
• If you still have problems take an anti-spastic pill
• Wash it down with a bowl full of milk and Cap'n Crunch.

What to do if your mouth is covered?

• Remove your hand
• If you have a sock in your mouth and you are gagged and bound then the above won't do much
• If you are a large person and you have a big throat, consider swallowing the sock

This guy gets chicks, but its not because he injures himself while doing stupid stunts but because he's attractive and treats women badly.

What to do if you have painful cranial swelling (a bump on the head)?

• The simplest solution is to fill a sock with ice, apply it to the swelling and perhaps take a large vial of morphine ahead of time. Using a hammer, bash the cranial swelling as hard as possible until the bump goes away.

How to deal with headaches

• Stop hitting yourself with hammers
• Don't listen to any more gangster rap
• Eat several bowls of milk and Cap'n Crunch
• Avoid rabid dogs, rusty nails and hair dye.

Hoe to deal with post inebriation syndrome (hang over)

• Stay far away from your wife
• Have a chiropractor crack all your bones
• Avoid direct sunlight
• Drink a large bottle of cold beer
• Take some pain killers
• Go to the bathroom and vomit up the quart of vodka you drank last night and sleep it off.

How to deal with mental problems

Putting nuts and bolts through your nose may sound a lot more fun than it really is.

• Go to the nearest psychiatric ward and stay as far away from Uncyclopedia as possible

How to deal with a bloody nose

• Stop removing dried boogers
• Stop poking nails through it
• Blow your nose into the sink and all over the mirror and wait for peoples reaction
• Stop picking at those boogers already!

What to do if something is lodged in your throat and you cannot breathe

• Don't move towards the light
• Try to breathe through your anus
• Have a chiropractor crack all your bones

The Chest

The chest is simply the space between the base of the kneck and the abdominal cavity. Inside is an organ in the shape of a deformed pineapple which is known as the heart, the lungs, the trachea and any objects a quack doctor may have left in there. Externally, the chest is something which Christian modesty forbids us to speak of. What we can say is that it usually comes in two parts, though sometimes may come in one or three parts, and for the extra lucky four parts.

The basic function of the chest is to contain and protect our guts. The secondary function is to nourish younglings, tempt the self restraint of men and some women and to provide hours and hours of sweaty entertainment if all else fails.

What to do if instead of one breast you have two

• Never fail to make sure your boss knows this
• If you can, make sure they grow as much as naturally or surgically possible
• Allow any friendly or loving hands to touch them
• If they hurt, ask any respectable gentleman to suck on the teets until milk comes out which is known to soothe the pain

Preventative medicine is the best cure. Avoid your mother-in-law or eliminate her if the opportunity arises.

What to do if your heart is beating too fast

• Physical exercise is overrated. Take the elevator or drive your car next time.
• Avoid your mother in law and all other hyper stressful situations.
• Quickly strip and jump into a bathtub of cold water, preferably with lots of icecubes. Your heart beat will immediately slow down and with any luck it will stop completely.

What to do if your heart has stopped completely

• Accept the fact that you are a ghost already
• Go into the light

My lungs are ineffective

• Check to see if an object is lodged in both your nostrils and down your throat
• Check to see if someone has their arm wrapped tightly around your neck
• Ask Christ our Saviour to absolve you of all your sins and prepare to explain yourself to St. Peter

You have a bullet stuck in your chest because you fell on it

• The doctor doesn't care how it happened...save it for the cops
• Remove the bullet and place it on the floor and fall down on it to prove this is actually possible
• Get an x-ray to be sure you simply don't have a wild imagination
• Pull the bullet out with a butter knife and while you are at it use the opportunity to pull out any other objects out of your ears, nose, anus, pee hole, vaj and any non-natural hole or orifice.

What to do if you have broken ribs

• Stop watching Jack Ass, seriously.
• Have a chiropractor crack all your bones
• Snap the broken ribs off and replace them with a BBQ grill
• Simmer the ribs with wine and spices to make the perfect bouillon for a winter afternoon
• Treat yourself to a bowl of milk with Cap'n Crunch

Upper and lower back

Cap'n Crunch is more that just a Captain who endorses a breakfast cereal, he is the embodiment of a quick recovery which includes rest and a balanced breakfast of mass produced milk and hyper-sugarised cereal

The upper back is the part of your back directly behind your chest. Usually the shoulder blades protrude out of this part of the back, and far more pronouncedly by anorexic fashion models. It also houses the spine which supports the body and the spinal chord which any normal human being needs intact. The lower back is the bottom of the back. It is also the bottom of the digestive system where the intestines meet the bowels and where the bowels meet the outside world.

Pain in the upper and lower back

• Cease any further movement or action in any compromising or unnatural positions
• Lie face down on a table and have a love one bind your head to your feet for one hour
• Inject a generous dose of morphine directly into your veins
• Avoid any electrical shocks including defibrillators, electrical sockets, telephone poles and car batteries as these cannot be helpful
• Cash in on as many months of sick leave as you can.

What to do if your lower back hurts while walking

• Stop walking
• Have a chiropractor crack all your bones
• Stop playing with yourself, even for just one night
• Lose weight
• Stop with the constant whining

I have broken one or more vertebrae

• Have a chiropractor crack all your bones
• Have a chiropractor crack all your bones again
• Have a loved one buy some screws at your local IKEA
• Have your loved one gently screw the broken vertebrae into an unbroken vertebrae
• Fill the hole left by the screws with medical cement
• Watch a few episodes of Friends, laughter is the best medicine.

Upper limbs

Most bionic arms are made out of sharp metal bits. It is not advisable that patients with these arms experiment with their appendages regardless of their state of boredom or arousal.

Also known as arms, the upper limbs are basically your arms. They are parts of your body that protrude from your shoulder socket and shouldn't be confused with your legs. Arms can be used for all sorts of purposes including work, non-work and personal adult entertainment. The upper limbs are divided into the upper arm, the elbow, the lower arm, the wrist, the palm, the fingers, the finger tips, finger nails and the tough piece of skin at the tip of your elbow that some children pick off during Sunday school.

I don't have any arms

• Make sure you are human and not a Polish sausage
• If blood is gushing out of your shoulder sockets you should have a chiropractor crack all your bones

I cant move my arms

• Stay calm
• Seriously, no more Jack Ass
• Drink a few red bulls and see what happens
• Have several bowls of milk with Cap'n Crunch until you finish the whole box
• Do not play with yourself for at least three months

I can't find my right arm

• For the love of god stop watching Jack Ass
• Systematically search every house and building in your city until you find it
• Ask a local traffic policeman if they've seen anything unusual
• If you are bleeding, stick a tampon into the shoulder socket
• Get a bionic arm and whatever you do, never ever play with yourself!

My arms hurt

• Jesus Christ man, stop playing with yourself
• You watched Jack Ass again and there honestly isn't very much hope for you
• Have a chiropractor crack all your bones once a week for the next twenty-five years
• Order a 12 pack of Jumbo-box Cap'n Crunch and a giant barrel of milk
• Consult volumes II-MCVIII