Dave (channel)
“I'm in Heaven!”
Dave is, by no doubt the best channel known to man started in the magical hidden valley behind the Hard Knock Pass near Boot, Cumbria in ancient times by the wizard Gandalf.
History[edit | edit source]
In 1945, scientists working on the British radar project detected an unknown signal coming from Cumbria, the signal was decoded as some from of radio waves unknown at the time. They never found out exactly where the signal came from nor what exactly it was.
In 1955, a linguist named David Davidson recorded a sound recording of Andrew Sheppard the last fluent speaker of Cumberlandic, thought to be the first, and therefore oldest language in the British Isles. What he wanted recorded first was a poem that, on his grandfather's death bed, he promised to record. This is a transcript that was recorded.
| “ | Ni ørr øim ee yore
É G'Yar seef soilef Tétha Top Gear za QI za Téthen qa har. |
” |
| “ | In old times of yore
a great vision appeared. Showing Top Gear and QI and shows we love(ed) |
” |
These two events seemed totally separate until the year 1990, when developers in a project to create a way to send digital video and audio images found out they could pick up an unknown channel. They nick named the signal and the channel 'Dave' after one of the cleaners at the labs.
In the year 2005 Ofcom (the UK's version of the American FCC) certified it safe for general broadcast and released it to the public as a new channel.
It is still a mystery how they managed to get episodes of shows 4,000 years before they are actually recorded.
Shows on Dave[edit | edit source]
- QI - The only show that makes you smarter as you watch it.
- Top Gear - Three alpha males smashing ridiculously expensive cars.
- Mock the week - Also known as Frankie Boyle's laughter hour.
- Never Mind the Buzzcocks - A gameshow involving flying Bee-Penis Hybrids.
- Red Dwarf - Smegheads in space.
- Have I Got News For You - A panel show that has been running for about five hundred davezillion years.
- The Young ones - A sitcom in which four university students smash things with their heads, a possible forerunner to Jackass.
- Generic BBC 3 sketch shows everyone has forgotten about.
Arguemental[edit | edit source]
Arguemental is a self made show by Dave that first appeared in 2008.
Arguemental is a show in which two grown men Quibble over inane matters (No they aren't inane they are very very important issues I'll have you know). Many of these pointless issues include Public transport (A very important issue indeed), computers (a vital thing in a modern world) and politics (Extremely important).
Look can you stop talking over me? (No, I feel that people need to hear another opinion). Well that's what you do on the show you mustachio'ed fool! (MUSTACHIO'ED?! THAT'S IT).
Now that my mustachio'd idiot of a co host is incapacitated... (He's tied me to a god dammed chair!) Two teams the reds and the blues are given an argument to put forward, the person who the audience thinks makes the best argument wins the round. (Though the wisdom of the crowd is not always the best.) SHUT IT ALL READY! The group who wins the most rounds wins the game.
The Chocolate riots of 2008.[edit | edit source]
During a filming of Arguemental on the 31/5/2008, a fight broke out over what was better, Calling Snickers by its old name 'Marathon' or using its current name 'Snickers'.
One of the co-hosts 'Marcus Bridgestock' remarked that the name snickers rhymed with 'Nickers'. At this point an unknown person shouted 'YOU ARE A PAIR OF NICKERS!' At which point a fight broke out between Bridgestock and Dave Gorman. The fight soon spread to the rest of the studio and at one point an unknown woman gabbed the camera and said these immortal words:
| “ | MY FELLOW MARATHONERS! TAKE TO THE STREETS! YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE BUT YOUR CALORIES! | ” |
At that point an estimated 150,000 people took to the streets attacking shops that sold snickers bars and anyone found in possession of them. Meanwhile, another estimated 150,000 people in support of the name snickers took to the streets and attacked those who preferred the name marathon. Riots broke out in six cities in the UK that lasted 2 weeks non stop in rolling street battles. This came to be known as the night of the Crushed nuts.
The Aftermath[edit | edit source]
- To this day there are still hate crimes between the two groups.
- Communities have polarized to form mainly Snickerite areas and Predominantly Marathonite areas to the point 'Peace walls' have been installed to keep the two apart.
- Marathonite marches happen regularly. Often those who take part in these marches sing inflammatory songs and carry banners with the Marathon packaging on them.
- There has been a scandal when an Unnamed US senator had been found giving donations to Marathonite groups known for violence.
- Several plays have been written on the events of the 31/5/2008. The most famous being 'The Nuts and the Nougat', about a family where the mother was a Marathonite and the father a Snickerite.
Idents[edit | edit source]
Dave's idents seem to involve a load of hip eccentrics frolicking around a country house, an image thought to be from a dimension similar, yet different to our own.
Nobody knows where the country house is or whether it exists in this world. The contenders in this world is thought to be either Wrotham Park or Niddrie castle (in ruins in this world) in Broxburn near Edinburgh, Scotland.
Problems faced in our understanding of physics[edit | edit source]
How shows were being shown 4,000 years ago is still mystery to science.
For one, it breaks the laws of science. Electro-magnetic and digital signals cannot travel through time.
For two, how did people 4,000 years ago develop technology to view (according to the seemingly ancient poem) a channel that could only be viewed with modern technology.
For three: Why is it so bloody good?