Nocturnal Hippie Artist

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Everyone on your street knows of the nocturnal hippie artist. Everyone complains about how his old decaying house makes your street look uglier (not regarding the trailer trash on the next block over).

The Hippie[edit | edit source]

The hippie is a complete wierdo. He is the strangest guy on your side of town, and is known all throughout the region for his "oddities".The hippie occasionally waves to you while you mow the grass. You wave back. But deep inside you are terrified of him.

Nocturnalness[edit | edit source]

The Hippie Artist is very nocturnal.

The Nocturnal Hippie Artist's house. A bonfire waiting to happen.

During the day, his house is dark and occasionally he'll peep his hippie face out at you while you and your buddies play in the yard. At the stroke of 7:30 PM, his awakening is marked by the spewing of Opera music from the back of his house. After this, he'll light up the same three lights every night. One in the living room, one in the kitchen, and one in an upstairs room in the middle of the house. These lights are constantly on and only occasionally does he light up other lights.

The Nocturnal Activities[edit | edit source]

Below is a bunch of the usual nocturnal activities in the hippie's house, starting roughly around 7:30 when he wakes up. You remember these because of the several times you and your friends camped out in the backyard.

The Awakening[edit | edit source]

After the opera music is over, usually the hippie will play David Bowie, Nirvana, The Doors, or the Rolling Stones. Every now and then you catch a whiff of a strange smell of cedar and chocolate coming from the house. This smell has always concerned your father, just as much as the marijuana smell..... anyway. Sometimes long strings of expletives are heard from the second story or the first story bathroom. This is normal, and is never investigated by your father after the incident (see The Chair Incident). Most of this is complemented by the hippie screaming at his girlfriend to get him a beer. She usually gets pissed and leaves in the middle of the night, and he usually stands in the street after this, shouting expletives at and defecating on the road. This has caused him to be visited by the police on more than one occasion.

Slightly Before Midnight[edit | edit source]

Another normal occurrence is the sound of breaking objects in his living room. Almost always at this point you begin to smell bacon. Or do you? You'd get closer but every time you try to his cats give you that evil look.... Sometimes (when his girlfriend's still there) he'll yell at her to "hurry the fuck up with breakfast". He almost always has "bacon". When done with his "breakfast", the hippie will announce that he has finished as loud as he can. You have heard the hippie mention some sort of "meat room" several times, and it has seriously creeped you out. Every night around 11:00, the hippie will stand underneath the floodlights in the backyard. He has outdoor speakers so he can still play his music outside. When outside he will often yell at his girlfriend (if she is still there) to get him a beer.

Beyond Midnight[edit | edit source]

Around 12:15 every night the hippie takes a shower and loves to sing off-key to whatever music's playing at the time while in the shower. Almost every other night, you'll hear what sounds exactly like a motorcycle starting up in his living room, and that just confuses the hell out of you and your dad. Around 2:00, the hippie will mow his yard regardless of whether it really needs cut or not. The hippie will often make a run to the grocery store at exactly 2:30 in the morning and return by exactly 3:00. He'll buy a lot of things, but mostly he stocks up on maple syrup and kitty litter.

The House[edit | edit source]

The house is, as already stated, a complete pile of shit. It is the dirtiest, run-down house on your street. Random pieces of furniture (which have attracted bums occasionally) decorate the front and side (not facing your house) of his house. In these pieces of furniture are the aformentioned cats. His house has a LINE running down the middle of it. A FUCKING LINE! His house looks almost like it's starting to split at the bottom. The outside of his house (and probably inside as well) are covered in mold. The paint peels, the wood cracks, the roof leaks, and the stairs creak. The attic window of the Hippie's house on your side has been open ever since your parents were married 20 years ago, attracting bats, rats, cats, and ill-fated burgulars. Your father has tried to get the house condemned due to the fact that the wood is so old that if the house goes up in flames, the entire surrounding block will probably go as well. It is a bonfire waiting to happen, and it scares your dad. I suppose you could move away... but...

The Interior[edit | edit source]

The interior of the hippie's house (as you saw it during that fateful Chair Incident in 2004), is completely cluttered with bullshit. Anything that can fit in his house (including his motorcycle) is in there. Of course, you were only in three rooms during that day, and the rest of the house is rumored to be just as cluttered. The hippie has a large amount of books. One room of his house has it's walls completely covered by books. You once saw the hippie reading a book with a cover that appeared to be made out of human flesh. In the hippie's kitchen,l many test tubes and beakers are visible. He'll often be there mixing everything from Ammonium Nitrate to carrot stickes for no apparent reason.

The Cats[edit | edit source]

The front and side porch of the hippie's house (which is covered in random pieces of furniture) is infested with cats.

A painting. By the Hippie Artist. Of a cat. Hmm...

Cats. Cats cats cats. Many believe that these cute little fellas are the hippie's personal minions, assigned to keep watch on his house. They often meow loudly at 5:00 in the morning and your father has threatened to shoot them several times. Occasionally, these cats will slowly sneak into your yard. If your dog is inside, they'll come the whole way up to your pool deck and go for a swim. The hippie has requested many times that the pool be removed so it doesn't present a "drowning hazard" to the cats.

The Chair Incident[edit | edit source]

In the year 2004 sometime around Halloween, you and your dad were sitting on the side porch (facing the hippie's house) when suddenly expletives began to spill from the second story of the hippie's house. At almost the same time, smoke began pouring out of the attic window. You and your dad ran in to "save the hippie" (more likely your house, since the hippie's is going to go up like gasoline). When you got to the second story (you tripped over the hippie's motorcycle in the living room), you find the hippie sitting on the floor playing monopoly with one of his cats. When your father asks what was going on, the hippie said he was "burning a chair". He then threatened to call the police if you didn't leave immediately. Weird.

The Yard[edit | edit source]

This is the Hippie's yard; more floodlights, less space.

The Hippie's backyard is like a football stadium. Not because of its size (it's relatively small) but because he has enough floodlights in there to piss off the power company. Your father has complained several times but the hippie won't remove them. The hippie oftens stands in his yard sipping a beer or a can of Faga-Tini while singing drunkenly. You have lost many toys in the hippie's yard (mostly toy rockets, baseballs, footballs, tennis balls, basket balls, and dog toys), and so have his other bordering neighbors (there are two others). When several kids got together (including you) and tried to find these toys they were found mysteriously missing. It has been rumored that the hippie "collects them", and loves adding these objects to his "collection".

Known Associates of the Hippie[edit | edit source]

The hippie does have friends, contrary to belief. The only problem is that his friends are just as (if not more) wierd than he is.

The Friends[edit | edit source]

The hippie has many friends, almost all of them just as (if not more) weird than he is. They consist of other hippies and

These are probably your neighbor's friends. No eye contact...

a large amount of old biker dudes. They almost always stop at your house looking for the Hippie ever since he covered his house number. Your father told you just to be polite, not look at them funny,

This is Ivan, the Nocturnal Hippie's *cough* lawyer.

and not to offer them any food. Sometimes, you get phone calls from his friends and your parents suspect that the Hippie is for some reason giving out your phone number. The Hippie also hangs out with a strange Russian guy predictably named IVAN. He is the Hippie's *cough* lawyer. He stopped at your house once when you were 9 with blood on his hands and shirt carrying a pistol. He scarred you for life. The hippie has claimed over and over again that Ivan is just his *cough* lawyer. Your father suspects he is a Russian hitman, ex-KGB. The next week your father was *cough* talked to by Ivan and the Hippie. He has never speculated about either of them ever again.

The Wife[edit | edit source]

Once, while playing catch in the yard with your dad, the Hippie stopped and told you about his last marriage. Apparently, he married one of those Russian mail-order brides. He disappointed her so much that she hired her Russian Mafia friends to kill him. They failed, were killed (supposedly by the Hippie's cats) and he joined the witness protection program and moved to your area. He has had several girlfriends over the years (and sometimes at the same time).

The Parties[edit | edit source]

On occasion, the hippie throws parties for his hippie and biker friends. This usually encompasses standing under the floodlights and hitting pinatas and blowing up propane tanks. Every time a propane tank explodes, the Hippie and his friends make noises such as OOHH and AYYYYY or AHHHH. They'll also send someone up into the huge tree in his backyard (which has floodlights on it) and shoot at them with a pellet gun and shine a spotlight in their eyes. When you saw the propane tanks being launched once, you asked your dad if you could go over, but he just looked at you like you were the craziest piece of shit he had ever fathered. Good times.

Hippie Theories[edit | edit source]

  • Your barber has suggested that the hippie is a communist agent in touch with Vladimir Putin through his *cough* lawyer, Ivan. Of course, your barber still thinks Alaska isn't a state, so...
  • Theorists have theorized a theory that maybe the hippie has a meth lab in his basement, which would explain the random household items he mixes in his kitchen. In fact, aren't those things in the kitchen window beakers and tubes and stuff?!?
  • You and your friends have theorized that maybe the hippie is actually a vampire. This would easily explain the odd hours he's up and the attic window being constantly open (it's actually so he can leave his house in his bat form)!

Random Hippie Facts[edit | edit source]

  • When Christmas rolls around, instead of knocking on the door to give the hippie his Christmas cookies, your parents tell you just to leave it on the doorstep, back away slowly, and never look back.
  • During Christmas, in addition to the floodlights, the hippie adds what has to be a million Christmas lights in his backyard, causing several complaints from the neighbors.
  • Sometimes an odor that reminds you of rotting flesh emanates from the hippie's basement. You would investigate, but you're too scared that whatever it is will drive you bat fuck insane.
  • Never, EVER, start a conversation with the hippie. You will be trapped for hours. If he says something, mumble something about a fictional dentist's appointment and back away.
  • On occasion, the hippie throws baseballs at tin garbage cans. Why does he do this? It seems like he's doing it solely for the annoying noise (which would also explain the exploding propane tanks).