Bitching
Bitching is one of the highest forms of rhetoric, practiced by mostly women and appreciated by none. Bitching is often confused with complaining, moaning, creating problems, dramatic exaggeration and pick‑up lines. Those who bitch are born with a strong latent genetic and chromazonal ability to do so, though it can also be strongly influenced from one's mother. It is a scourge on Earth which should be stopped, mostly by simply getting those who do it (mostly women) to get control of their emotions and simply leave people alone.
Confusion with complaining[edit | edit source]
Imagine a train often comes late. A couple are off to visit friends and have forgotten to pack sandwiches and drinks for the journey. The husband insists on leaving immediately so as to not miss the train. The wife rants about how that the train is always late and she would prefer to have something to eat during the journey. The husband gets understandably angry and claims she is just bitching. Flash forward to the train ride. The Windlesworth express takes off fifteen minutes late as always and the two are sitting on the train, refusing to buy a £15 sandwich on board and are very hungry. The husband comments, "I don't know why you didn't insist more that we packed the sandwiches." That is of course not bitching but making a logical statement. The two are profoundly different. If you don't believe me just keep rereading this section until you do.
Confusion with creating problems[edit | edit source]
A company is negotiating with a new supplier from Afghanistan. A vice president admits she is skeptical about a supplier from a failed state and their reliability. A pompous junior manager complains about her lack of knowledge in Asian trade and calls her a troublemaker. The truth is, she is bitching and is doing anything but creating problems. He then tells a very sexist joke and asks her to pull his finger. He is the one creating problems. But of course, she says nothing and quietly wins the debate in the end through bitching only at the right moment and in the right way. Another victory for bitching. She also manages to get the guy fired later, which is a very bitchy thing to do, though certainly in the company's best interest.
Confusion with dramatic exaggeration[edit | edit source]
“This is our daughter, Karen. These are our other daughters, Karen’s sisters.”
“I’m the head of this household.”
A young boy spills a very expensive package of handmade macaroni all over the floor. His mother asks him to be more careful in the future as it was expensive and a gift. The young boy complains to his friends later, whilst playing Xbox and leaving crumbs everywhere that she's a relentless bitch. After being owned by him, they all agree. When his father finds out his son ruined the pasta he bought in Italy meant as a gift for a friend, he takes off his belt and whipples his son silly. After crying for a bit whilst his friends look around in discomfort, they all thought this harsh but fair.
Confusion with pick-up lines[edit | edit source]
A young lady is having lunch with a friend she almost never gets to see. At the next table is a group of young frat boys screaming and yelling at every joke they make. The more the two girls try to ignore them the louder they seem to get. The girls cannot even hear each other any more and decide to eat in silence until the good ole boys decide to leave. They then start a burping competition to see who can erupt the loudest. The young lady quietly asks the nicest seeming boy if they could keep it down a little. The boy immediately unbuttons his shirt half way and gives off a smooth response. The young lady hears only "blah blah blah" and ignores him. The boy continues and puts his hand on her thigh. The young lady kicks him in the groin and the other three boys laugh. Bitching does not always have to be verbal, it can be physical when words are not enough. The girls enjoy the rest of their lunch and the boy becomes sterile.
The future[edit | edit source]
Bitching correctly will always win the day, no matter what others think.