Spade

Spade
It is to be the time of Spade, the female dog!
Directed by	Ratashev Deepak
Produced by	Ratashev Deepak
Written by	Ratashev Deepak
Starring	Ratashev Deepak
Distributed by	Ratashev Deepak
Release date	June 13, 1994
Running time	224 min
Language	Hindi
Budget	$16.44

Spade is the Bollywood remake of the classic Keanu Reeves film, Speed. It was made even more unrealistic for Bollywood audiences, who expect their cheap remakes to be two things: ridiculous and cheap. Spade was lauded by Indian critics for being action-packed, laws-of-physics-defying, and cheap. It received eight thumbs down after Roger Ebert's emergency thumb-adding surgery (little-known fact: he received this surgery exclusively for the release of Spade), calling it "cheap". It received a score of 5% on RottenTomatoes.com (consensus: Cheap. And shitty.) and a score of 948 out of a possible 12 on SpoiledEggplants.in (consensus: It is to be glorious an moving film graph proportional to fuck! Have to view films!)

Plot

Translated from www.spademovie.in/ruinthemovieforyourself

Jack Traven (Ratashev Deepak) and his ancient coworker Harry Temple (Ratashev Deepak) in Los Angeles swatting partnership boom captains. Atlanta bomb squad, an ancient power, of the Howard Payne (Ratashev Deepak), tie and suit slaves trapped in lift-or-drop for say give to us the cashes of one group's bank accounting. Jack and Harry Payne Lift sends to the basement before the all plummeting manage to save the trapped mongoose the top egg. Payne in a freight elevator they find. After a short and or and smalltime look at time, Jack Payne is knocked unconscious and Payne undisappears to motivate a slight mortgage Harry away from the explosion, migration and set support with Payne. Jack and Harry, then by the LAPD for their humours in an official trophytime are depreciated.

A later, as head Jack, a town just in front of him, exploded killing the driver to work. Payne on a nearby pay phone, he is alive and Jack says that he revealed to an explosion and the bus is wriggled. When the bus bomb, and if the bus reached the 50 mph speed goes below the explosion will have to hand. Besides, if anyone just Payne manually, or if the substance is not catered on time is removed will be just an explosion. Jack locates and just jumps on the boat, but the bombs already have been marred. Traven and Annie on the moving bus riders.

When Jack as a pop lice off is her in an tempo to calm passengers identifies himself, a man, Jack arrest him has come to believe Draws a gun. That missing tackle as a driver he struggles to escape the bullet hits. Another passenger, Annie Porter (Sandra ox), takes the wheel. Annie, while the speed necessary to keep it and other cars across the city to avoid the bus had left to run. Jack in contact with his SWAT team lieutenant "Mac" McMcMacMcMahon (who with Morton), an escort Sid's latin presidency and air raff lick around the shitty to move again them from trying to have him for directions. Bus bomb in a hurry to news and television broadcasting there soon, makes police cars and news helicopters, which is just a stop on the freeway, a follower of the line is long. During the ride, the bus driver were injured by Payne, but just to be evacuated out of a fear of allowing the passenger Helen as well try to stop the name. Under the exit Payne, and Helen, a small bomb detonates beneath the wheels of the bus was crushed.

Just a 50-foot (15 m) gap in the freeway and comes to, after which he circles in the safe so that by driving on a runway can maintain their speed that in the Los Angeles International Airport to enable It should have been jumping into restricted airspace while news helicopters by the action of the inspection are unable to. Jack's just the bottom of the bombs to try to calm, plays, but instead the fuel tank ruptures. Meanwhile, a raid on the residence of Harry Payne, a SWAT team is called. However, his house is a bomb that kills Harry and his team is rigged with.

Meanwhile, Jack Payne notice that everything is going to see that he lets on the bus to have a video link. Using a news van, she feeds to find and it is capable of record. While passengers are being evacuated to safe Ffutez Payne being transmitted to the news team loops. Jack and Annie rigs just so he just 'ride on the floor by the panel closed so that it can get the explosion is not going in circles to keep. Jack and Annie live. Jack in love with Annie, but he comes in that relationship intense situations do not always work out warns him started. Meanwhile, Payne is about when he notices that the feed is being looped the bomb to detonate. For violating her, Payne quickly that everyone is safe out of the bus has been realized.

As he, then comes to collect the ransom Payne, in her old uniform, Annie kidnaps a getaway in the subway. Jack pursues him during the fight and damaged a subway car, they will fight on top of. In the end, Jack in a tunnel of light, decapitating him Payne's head pushes. I AM MORE LARGE HORIZONTAL LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH. Jack and Annie who still derails and crashes on land and land Hollywood Boulevard through the subway one, can not dismount. Jack and Annie once again alive. Their feelings and pedestrians in shock as accepting kisses on the look. Bullcat.

Cast

• Ratashev Deepak as Officer Jack Traven
• Ratashev Deepak as Howard Payne
• Sandra ox as Annie Porter
• Ratashev Deepak as Det. Harry Temple
• Ratashev Deepak as Lt. "Mac" McMahon
• Ratashev Deepak as Doug Stephens
• Ratashev Deepak as Jaguar Owner later known as "Maurice"
• Ratashev Deepak as Norwood
• Ratashev Deepak as Helen

Production Details

The entire movie was filmed in Ratashev Deepak's basement and the sewage licking factory he worked at (before being fired for stopping to breathe), in the three days after Ratashev Deepak saw Speed while on break from the filthy rag tech support firm where he worked; not fully understanding the plot. The camerawork was done through a revolutionary process called "holding the camera with one hand and a fake Styrofoam steering wheel with the other and moving the camera back and forth violently." This technique (later modified to remove the steering wheel) would be used in The Blair Witch Project, Mr Bean's Holiday, Cloverfield, and in an ironic twist, Speed 2.

The bus jump

In the scene where the bus must jump across a gap in an uncompleted elevated freeway-to-freeway ramp made of sand while still under construction, on fire, in a hailstorm, covered in liquid nitrogen, next to a nuclear plant melting down, filled with Nazis, over lesbian-filled grenade lava, a throwing motion was used to give the toy bus the necessary lift so it could jump a meter (placed close enough to the camera to appear to be in the fifty feet). The controversial special effects (loved by Indian critics, hated by Americans, loved by George Lucas) were possible through a process called "crayons".

In a commentary track on the region 1 Beta Tape, director Ratashev Deepak reports that the bus jump stunt did not go as planned. To do the jump the bus had to be thrown with some effort, with his left hand so he could continue to hold the camera. On the first try Deepak Ratashev missed the pillow and dinged the bus' paint making it unusable. This failure was not reported to the little Indian boy Ratashev Deepak stole the toy bus from at the time. A second bus was procured and twelve minutes later a second attempt was successful. But, again, things did not go as intended. Advised by the boy that the authorities were on the way, the director placed his only camera in a position that was supposed to capture the bus landing. However, the bus traveled much further airborne than anyone had thought possible, Deepak included. As a policeman bashed Deepak's elbow with a nightstick, he released the toy bus, fuelling its momentum. It crashed down on top of an ant and destroyed it. Luckily, a cellphone camera placed in a passerby's hand recorded the event.

The outtakes were played in the middle of the theatre version, as Deepak was unsure how to edit the video.

The Official Soundtrack

1. Ratashev Deepak - "Humming The Mission Impossible Theme Into The Microphone"

2. Ratashev Deepak ft. Gun Stolen From A Policeman - "Gun Sound Effects"

3. Ratashev Deepak ft. A Desperate Hobo - "Humming The Mission Impossible Theme Into The Microphone: Reprise"

In addition to the above release, a separate album featuring an exclusive lost (read: dropped behind an end table) mix of Ratashev Deepak's score from the film was released. After being spliced into the film's audio-only 8-track release in 2007, it filled in several of the frequent silences in the theatre version of Spade.

1. Ratashev Deepak - "Laughing Sound Effect"

2. Ratashev Deepak - "Phone Ringing While A Carpet Salesman Begs For Money Outside My Window"

3. Ratashev Deepak - "I Don't Remember Recording This"

4. Ratashev Deepak singing karaoke to Billy Idol - "White Wedding Part II: Ratashev Deepak Singing Along Mix"

Reaction

Box office

Spade places in the top one percent of all Bollywood films made in the 90's. The official list is the Dubai Film Association's Four Hundred Twenty Thousand Billion Most Goodest Moving Films Of The One Thousand, Nine Hundred and Ninetieth Year Of Ganesh. It grossed 9,385,640,837,557,095,349,075,340,928,923,809,346 rubles in its opening domestic weekend, or sixteen dollars and fourty four cents 'Merican, thus breaking even. It made five dollars plus shipping and handling in America when it was sold over eBay to a man named Wopple who had poor vision and believed it to be a candied ham.

Critical reaction

As of today:

• Rotten Tomatoes.com: 5%
• Spoiled Eggplants.in: 948/12
• Siskel, Ebert, and Roeper: Eight thumbs down (Siskel and Roeper refused to rate)
• Metacritic: 1.2 (critics) 10.0 (based on one review from Ratashev Deepak)
• Ratashev Deepak: 9.3, could have been improved (Note: After reading his own review, Deepak was infuriated and never spoke to himself again, a move his psychiatrist called a 'breakthrough'.)

Awards

• 1995 India Film Festival - Winner - Best Special Effects
• 1995 India Film Festival - Winner - Best Supporting Actress (for Ratashev Deepak)
• 1995 India Film Festival - Winner - Lens Cover Was Not On (an award rarely received in Bollywood)
• 1923 Time Traveling Film Critics Convention - Nominated - Finest Film The Watching Of Which By The Time Traveling Film Critics Prevented A Nuclear Holocaust In The Future (won by Terminator 2: Judgement Day)
• 1999 India Film Festival - Winner - All Awards (only movie released in Bollywood in 1999 was Citizen Kane, which was widely hated in India for its production values and lack of physics violations)

Sequels

• Spade 2: Controlling Cruise Boat
• Spade 3: Still Alive After Being Beheaded, Somehow
• Spade 4: Reborn
• Spade 5: Yes, Buses Can Fly
• Spade 6: Revenge Of The Bus
• Spade 7: Revenge Of The Cars The Bus Hit
• Spade 8: Everybody Dies
• Spade 9: Everybody Reanimates
• Spade 10: High Spade Musical
• Spade 11: Forrest Gump With A "Spade 5" Title Card Inserted In MSPaint
• Spade 12: Even After All Of His Limbs Were Removed With A Dull Block Of Cheese In Spade 4, Payne Is Still Alive...And Bombing Things
• Spade 13: Spadeless In Seattle
• Spade 14: The End
• Spade 15: Or Was It?!
• Spade 16: Yes It Was
• Spade 17: Got You Again!
• Spade 18: Endless Rickroll Loop
• Spade 19: Spade 1 With A Humming Sound Inserted Through All The Good Parts
• Spade 20: The Twentieth Spade Movie (working title)

All above movies were released in June, July and August 1994, except Spade 20, which is expected to be released by third quarter 1996.

DVD bonus features

• The Making Of Spade

A twelve second video of Ratashev Deepak saying the sentence (translation): "I turned on the camera and made the movie,", then farting.

• Spade 2-19 Sneak Previews

Actually, due to Ratashev Deepak's Windows Movie Maker and Nero inexperience, this feature contained the full movies of the entire Spade series. When a friend attempted to watch the trailers, then went missing for six days, Deepak suspected something was wrong with the trailers. His earlier confusion at why one copy of Spade had to be burned onto twenty-six DVDs was cleared up.

• Spade: Watch The Movie Again

Ratashev Deepak's last-minute added feature after he realized the 'REPLAY?' button at the end of the movie did not play the movie again, but instead launched Skynet.

• Eighty Eight Minutes Of YouTube Car Crashes

Actually, closer to twelve minutes, because after that, Ratashev Deepak's arm fell asleep taping his YouTube playlist, and the camera was stolen by a little poor boy. The rest of this film serves as a shocking insight into the extremes of Indian poverty, and is more critically acclaimed than the special features which required effort other than getting the camera back.

• Black Screen

Actually a bootlegged award-winning documentary about goose slavery in Tanzania.

• Bouncing "DVD" Logo Screensaver

Only applicable to some DVD players.

4th Anniversary Re-Release Special Edition Happy Fun Show Amazing Goodtimes Emporium Of Action Laughs And Lessons: Incredible Good Edition: Please Buy It: It's A Pretty Good Movie: Reloaded: Reborn: Unleashed: Turbo: 2 Spade 2 Furious: Uncut And Hilarious Edition: Please: I Need To Feed My Family Edition: Unrated

This edition barely varied from the original film, but added several distinguishing features, including:

• Commentary Track

Recorded on a 1976 IBM SQ4-B76 supercomputer (with computing power now comparable to a slice of dry cheese), this off-sync and jumpy track consists of Deepak unsuccessfully trying to narrate into a Dollarama microphone across the room, while outside, many loud events occur which drown out his already mumbly, slurred, narcotic-impaired voice. Below, a list of loud events outside which occur during the commentary:

00:11:09-00:37:22 A leper begs for money on the doorstep, using his one stump-arm to smash his withered cane against the mud-and-wood door flap as his toothless, bleeding lips flap and he shrieks in desperation, knowing that death could be only twenty-six minutes away.

00:39:06-00:41:56 The leper's tiny, shriveled corpse is dragged away by an underworked gravedigger made of empty tin cans and crash cymbals, causing very loud noises as he parades up and down the streets with the corpse, crying out for vengeance and playing Casio keyboard solos.

00:42:47-00:42:58 Gay Terrorist Pride Parade opening ceremonies.

00:42:58-00:47:28 Inexperienced suicide bomber Gembu Al-Khalim accidentally detonates, a move leading to a hilarious, Chaplinesque chain reaction as the entire marching band's tiny C4 and firecracker explosive packs to detonate one by one. One of them, now unidentifiable and then apparently unaware his fuse had been lit, wanders off towards Big Bob's Ball Bearings, Big Bells, Black Bears, and Klaxon Sirens.