Aunt Jemima

Hello, Folks!

Welcome to my humble Uncyclopedia page. I hope y'all brought y'alls' appetites, 'cause Imma fix us some good ol' eats this mornin'!

Sho'nuff, my pancakes is the most temptilatin' way to start yo day. So light — so tender they melt in yo mouf! They be temptin' yo appetite mornin' noon and night. It's no wonder folks like you prefer my pancakes over any other brand combined! Well, go 'head and take a load off, grab yo'self some of these sexy, freshly prepared pancakes and juicy watermelon slices, and have a listen to my story, it's a doozie!

I was born in 1776 to some real melon-farming darkies. I mean pure negro mufuhs, you know what Imma sayin'?  My parents were so poor I used to hafta eat cereal with a fork to save milk. I mean it, we went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway. We was so poor, I used to call kickin' cans in the alley remodelin' — 'Course times have changed for lil' ol' me. But I gots to fight, hard and all the time with these teetotalin' PR reps and so-called marketing executives over some 'pancake and syrup monopoly' nonsense. Got to improve my recipes and 'diversify my product offerings.'

I suppose I'm lucky, considerin'. Nowadays, if you ain't some bronze Barbie doll type or some big 'fro'd, militant murder-mouth sister pushin' Black Panther, you just ain't worth a damn to these social media-mongers. Not this lady, nuh uhh. I gots da sass and the class to call you an ass and laugh. I'm just brash with the cash so you best do the math before you dare cross paths — Call me yo pastor, I am the master of yo disaster — again hearin' the laughter, as I'm lookin' down from the rafters. They screamin', "No one can outlast her!" and now you best be runnin' faster. Imma gunnin' for you nuckah, blastin' you straight to doom's day, suckah! And now my finger's on the trigger — Don't you dare call me a —

The Love of My Life

I met Uncle Ben while workin' out on the rice paddies for Masa. We didn't have much time to spend together, but we lu'd eatin' pancakes in the mornin' before work. He used to steal little sugar cubes and cocoa nibs for me and surprise me with 'em. Maybe share whateva kinda fruit he could hide away.

In 1862 when Abraham Lincoln freed all the slaves, Uncle Ben and I finally got to tie the knot. We spent our entire honeymoon writing a cookbook and it sold over a million copies, can you beli'e dat? After our love of pancakes brought us together, pancakes was gonna make us a fortune, nah just forget the damn rice for a minute, mkay!

We had only one son, you may have heard of him. Folks know him in the music bidness as 50 Mozart, but our little Curtis should've been a chef like we's told him. That boy was always chasin' the ladies, my word! There used to be this one, nice little girl, Condoleeza Rice. Me and Ben was 'fraid they was gonna elope or somethin' but it never happen'd, which was funny 'cause you know that girl's favorite fruit was cantaloupe, ain't that a knee slapper?

Other Suitors

That Quaker Oats guy always had a thing for me. He won't take no for an answer, always be sendin' me flowers with little love notes and whatnot. I tole him — I ain't into white guys, but he's as persistent as two day old grits, I swear! If y'all can keep a secret, I kinda had a crush on the Cream of Wheat guy, Frank White, but he was sho'nuff black as night, don't let the name fool ya! That cue ball Mr. Clean kinda had a thing fo' me too. I tell ya, mah pancakes be bringin' all the boys to the yard. Yessuh, but ain't no one ringin' my bell like good ol' Uncle Ben, shoot.

Truth be told, if I was gonna be with any cracker-colored honky it'd be that Brawny dude, ya feel me ladies? There was the one time I went on a date with Colonel Sanders, but I ain't never told nobody 'bout that before in my life — you know I gots a thing fo' fried chicken! He's got the bomb diggity recipe, and I'll be damned if I didn't get me some of that 'eleven herbs and spices' action! Well, don't you go runnin' yo loose-ass lips about it nah, my poor Benny gets so jelly sometime.

“ Yeah, he's pretty sexy...
but not as sexy as those pancakes. ”

My Favorite Images:

• 

  This guy from the History Channel always be wantin' my pancakes.

• 

  Dave Mustaine always be after my pancakes too!

• 

  They wanted to update me and Uncle Ben's look but I told them what's what.

• 

  Masta' always made sure I had shiny, pretty chains, like the slaves on the big screen!

Pancake Empire

I hear you callin' for my delicious, jiffy-quick pancakes, and I'm here to chase yo pancake-hungry blues away. It's so easy to turn out perfect, light, sweet or savory pancakes, buckwheats, flapjacks and waffles every time, in no time, with my famous Ready-Mixes — just add water or milk. It's as easy as 1-2-3 to whisk up my flavory, fragrant pancakes! Why, there's no fuss or muss at all!

“ My pancakes are so nourishing, so easy to digest, and they cost much less than the leading Darkie Brand. ”

To this day, Danny Bonaduce has
a huge crush on Aunt Jemima.

Pancake Days is Happy Days!

Let my pancakes kiss you in the mouth — full of buttery goodness! Mm-m-m, every bite is happifyin' light when you gots a belly full of pipin' hot, on-the-dot Aunt Jemima's. Yessum, you're gonna love 'em, and you're gonna love me for givin' 'em to ya.

When I'se in town, honey — happy days is here! I got yo dee-licious pancakes, buckwheats, cornmeals, and waffles made with my secret recipe, fo'sho my nizzle. We's gonna have us a proper feast, son!

Make Today a Pancake Day!

Happify your family and win their lovin' thanks by givin' them temptin', tasty Aunt Jemima's with streams of melted butter and sunny, sweet syrup trickling down their luscious sides.

For an appetitin' taste-delightin' treat, serve 'em up some flapjacks with fruit cocktail and mint. Or try 'em with sausage and fresh pineapple chunks — and don't forget to make it a complete meal with a side of collard greens and some ice cold grape soda. My tummy's a rumblin' just thinkin' about it nah!

My Signature Waffles:

Make meal-time an adventure with my Waffles & Ham, Southern style. Ain't nothin' gonna take your tastebuds to flavortown like some salty hickory-smoked pork cutlets paired with my homestyle waffle mix.

“ I likes to eat my waffles with fried chicken and gravy, Lawd have mercy! ”

My Tangy Buckwheats:

My down-South buckwheats got the taste-tinglin' tang that will make you say,

“ Whoo-ee! That's some good shit! ”

When you be cravin' some of that Dixieland flavor, my buckwheat pancakes are gonna hit the spot, all the time, every time. Serve 'em up how I do, sprinkled with some brown sugar, a dash of salt, and a drizzle of molasses. Fo' shizzle that drizzle gonna make yo mouth sizzle, nah'mean? Those pancakes can't fly fast enough into yo mouf once you taste 'em like this, best beli'e dat foo!

My lucky Yu-gi-oh card.

Flapjacks & Cornmeal:

Here's a tasty meal that will have your family salivatin'. You won't find no finer flavored cornbread and flapjacks in the world, I assure you. Folks just can't stop singin' praises about my corn meal — you can use it for muffins, bread, cakes, pies — just about anything. I even use it to exfoliate my skin in an oatmeal-honey face scrub I whip up every evenin'!

Buttermilks, Too:

Let your fork sink into the fluffy goldness of a stack of my succulent buttermilk pancakes. You ever see such a fine, light fluffy texture and taste such melting tenderness? My pancake mixes are guaranteed to make your cooking swell, and your kids will love you, fo' sho. Now you know why moms everywhere choose my pancakes, in a jiffy!

It's never been easier to put a smile on yo yung chillun's faces. Having a box of Ready-Mix in your pantry is just like havin' me there slavin' over a hot griddle in yo kitchen fo' ya. All you gots ta do is serve 'em up some of my buttermilky sensations and watch the lip smacking action, yes indeedy! It won't be no time before they shoutin', "Mommy, mommy! Make us some more pancakes!" and you know you ain't gotta do shit until them lil' niggaz say please.

COMING SOON: Crêpes!

“ That's right, folks! Only Aunt Jemima gives it to ya six ways, ya heard? ”

Once again, I've been slavin' away in my kitchen fo' yas, and I got a new recipe y'all gonna love, or get yo money back! Mmmhm, my crêpes is so scrum-diddly-umptious, they better than beignets and bacon put together. These new 'skinny-cakes' comin' straight outta Louisiana, and I just lud'ta serve 'em up with some Bananas Foster and a Mississippi Mudslide on the weekend fo' fun. I just know you won't be able to resist havin' yo'self a heapin' helpin' every time they hot'n ready. Fo' sheezy ma neezy, ya feezy?

Didn't Ya Know?

• If you ask me, "What's big, black, has two thumbs and loves pancakes?" The answer is obviously, me.
• I's the only other champion of civil rights and female suffrage next to Harriet Tubman.
• Even though I used to be Southern Baptist, I recently converted to Rothic Order for publicity purposes.
• The only two people that can beat me in a waffle-eating contest are Oprah Winfrey and Paula Dean.
• Nothing's sexier than my hot, buttered pancakes smothered in my signature maple-flavored syrup.
• My favorite kind of music is Polka, and I especially like to do the Hokey Pokey. That's what it's all about.

And Looky Here:

• Sweet Jesus on a Stick!
• Flying Spaghetti Monster
• International House of Pancakes
• Aunt Jemima's Evil Twin

“ Well, that new Mrs. Butterworth's bottle is pretty sexy, but not as sexy as my pancakes. ”

How 'bout some breakfast ambrosia?

Footnotes

  The Fast Food Conglomerate of McDonald's ©®