Jose Altuve
"Daddy" Jose Carlos Altuve is really short. He plays shorty league baseball for the Houston Hoes of Miami. Unfourtantly, Altuve and many other Hoes are hated around the glove due to the infamous "Drash Can" scandal.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Altuve came to life at just 1cm tall, and 1/2 lb heavy. He was born in Venezuela during the reign of Trea Turner, the brother of Megan Turner. Altuve grew up playing baseball alongside his zesty friend Salvador Perizz, who rizzed up 83 women at just 4 years old. Altuve grew to an impressive 8 inches tall by the time he turned 16, and had decided he wanted to play the bassball.
When the Houston Asstros came to Venezuela for slave trading, Altuve reported to camp to show them his testicular wart. The Asstros laughed at the midget, saying "you aren't even the fart" before stepping on him. Altuve came home crying and wanted to quit baseball altogether, but his father convinced him to try one more time after saying "For the meme, the dream, the stream, and the ehhhhhhh team!" The following day, Altuve returned to Asstros camp and shot up the entire field. With no one else to take, the Asstros brought the elf back to America.
Ass Ball[edit | edit source]
Altuve was quoted saying "no me gusta ese pinche negro Wander Franco," so he skipped straight to the Major leagues. On July 200th, Altuve made ass for Houston. He recorded 7 straight sexual encounters to start his career, including an inside the park assault to cap it off. At just 1 foot tall, Altuve was the tallest player to accomplish this. Although he dealt with erectile dysfunction at the end of the year, Altuve still made a lackadaisical impact for the Asstros. Altuve returned to Venezuela in 2011 to smuggle his friend Perizz out of the country. He would go on to protect Eric Hosmer from a snail.
He has a good personality[edit | edit source]
On May 1st, 2012, Altuve famously went up against Joeb who was the tallest player in MLB at 18ft tall. The 17 foot difference in height is a MLB record. Still, Altuve managed to hit the first ever JUMPING grand slam in MLB history as well. In order to be inclusive of all heights, Altuve was selected to the all sex game where he had sex with a barbie doll. Following the 2013 season, the Asstros relocated out of the NL central division because the St Louis Kardashians were too gay. They now reside in the AL west division where they torment the Oakland Asses.
In 2014, Altuve was on a mission to prove he was the shit. On Jun 39, Altuve stole 2 virginities against the Detroit Pazans to break the all time rape record. After being selected to the all sex again, Altuve went on to break the Asstros all time assault record with 2100 beatdowns. Altuve won his first court case and proved to everyone he was more than the fart.
In 2015, Altuve barely made it to the all sex again after edging 0.1 seconds longer than Kansas Royal kicks player Omar Khatib. Although Altuve was no longer growing in height, he went around telling all the ladies he had something else that was 1ft long. Altuve accumulated another 200 domestic assault incidents, earning him a Silver Smacker award to go with his Golden Cock award.
The Asstros would make the playoffs for the first time since yesterday, and were set to play the juggarnaut Yankees in the wild card game. However, the Yankees crumbled like Ms Sacket when they faced off. In the 7th inning, Altuve stabbed a Yankee to seal the Asstro victory. After destroying the Yankees for the first time, Altuve left the stadium yelling "Whos your daddy?"
The Asstros did not play in the 2016 season, as they instead opted to host a year long ceremony to commemorate their fallen teammate, LJ Hoes. After the "28" incident, Altuve shot up the Asstros facility a second time. He stated he didn't want any more slapdick teammates, and that a new super team needed to be built.
Garbage Squad[edit | edit source]
Start of a DieNasty[edit | edit source]
At the start of the 2017 season, the Asstros had built a brand new team to play alongside the 1.1ft tall Jose. They added New Mexico legend Alex Breadman, who held the record for most breads eaten the long way. They also added Carlos Korean, a Puerto Rican baseball shortstock. Last, they added George who occasionally impersonated the easter bunny. However, the Asstros wanted to ensure victory from now on, and would begin resorting to secret tactics.
An Unbelievable Year[edit | edit source]
With new shitters surrounding him, Altuve went buttsex crazy. After being named an all sex yet again, Altuve set a July record of 48 mass murders. He ended the year with his 4th consecutive season of 200 assault charges, and earned the nickname "Lil Demon." Altuve earned an MVP award, but it was worth noting that moans were frequently heard when Altuve would go up to bat. However, other players such as Carlos Korean received even more moans, but many believed it was due to him just being a sexy Italian motherfucker. After trading for Kate Upton, the Asstros won their division and moved on to the postseason.
In the first game of the postseason, Altuve got HAMMERED three time against the Boston Red Sex. Since hes only 1ft tall, it takes Altuve half a shot of alchol to get drunk. Whenever Altuve moaned in the playoffs, fans just assumed it was because he was hella wasted. Houston then went on to face to the Yankees, but lost every game on the road and were on the brink of elimination. However, once they returned to their home stadium, Altuve started singing "Daddys Home!" before single handedly raping the Yankees. This sent the Asstros to the world series for the first time since they lost a stealing competition to the Black Sex.
The Asstros played the Doggers in the world series, and set an all time record for moans in a game. Altuve was solid as he gave 8 blowjobs, and Alex Breadman ate whole wheat. However, the real hero was George who hit 50 home runs in his bunny costume. This ultimately led the Asstros to winning Texas's first baseball championship. They shot up 26 schools to celebrate.
In 2018, Altuve got a penis enlargement surgery that would keep him in Houston until 2044. Altuve tied the record for most silver smackers from a 2nd boob. He also earned another all sex appearance, and MLB had begun hiring midgets for Altuve specifically so he could get unbelievable head. However, someone tricked him into saying "watch this" at the all sex game, and his knee exploded. He managed to return just in time to play against the Cleveland Indians in India, aka Carlos Koreans home country. Altuve moaned, but eventually lost out to Mookie Betts who moaned even louder.
The Talking Yam[edit | edit source]
In 2019, the Astros moaned at a record rate. Especially when Alex Breadman got a fresh new cut, the Asstros moaned uncontrollably which lead to Breadmans near MVP season. Altuve broke so many records this season that he was forced to spend 30 days in Alcatraz. His anus was never the same...
After arresting the Tampa Ray Pedophiles, Altuve was set to face the Yankees for the 3rd time in the playoffs. After losing game 1 to the yankeers, Carlo Korean hit a true French home run to tie the series. Kate Upton seduced the Yankees the next 2 games, before Samuel bombed the stadium in game 5. In game 6, the Yankees brought out their secret weapon to kill the Asstros, Aroldis Chapman. Chapman is second all time in wife beatdowns, behind Ozuna from the Braves and just ahead of Julio Urias. Chapman also likes touching his moms boobs, and reading bedtime stories. With 1 out remaining, Altuve came up to the plate with a microphone sticking out of his chest. He began singing the entirety of "Daddys Home!" as Chapman threw a 200mph strike to Altuve. Altuve destroyed a walk off home run to send the Asstros to the world series, as he continued screaming "Daddys Home!" MLB continued letting him celebrate until he started screaming "Pinche Negro!"
The Asstros went into the world series as clear favorities, as they were set to face the shitty Washington internationals. However, Houston was not prepared for the "Avocado strat" and got FUCKED by Kendrick Lamar.
Mewing Streak Over[edit | edit source]
After the 2019 season, George didn't hold in his edge long enough and the big secret got out. The Asstros have been telling batters what pitch the pitcher was going to throw by moaning at varying degrees of intensities. Many around the league were disgusted with the Asstros actions, and believed their world series from 2017 should be destroyed. Cody "420" Bellinger of the LA Dogs publicly stated that Altuve stole an MVP from Judge Judy, and that MLB should strip him down. Although he was high af, MLB started a movement to kill Jose Altuve.
Carlos Korean wasn't about to let his boi get fucked like that, so he hosted his own interview live on Mars. Although he could only speak German, he told the world Altuve was the only player who didn't use their cheating system.
"After the first few moans, Jose told us to quit with that gay shit or he would micro-finger us." Carlos would then clap back at the Bellinger by REALLY SAYING "If you don't know the fax, then you got to shut the fuck up :bean:"
Despite being defended by his teammates, Altuve became the most hated player in MLB. People know longer felt sorry for the 1ft tall man, they instead just thought he was retarded. During the 2020 season, Altuve received so many boos that he could not focus on his balls. Altuve led the league in errors and was given a rusty cock award. Luckily for Altuve, the rest of his team were able to FUCK the Oakland B's so badly they needed to move to Vegas. The team fell just short of the world series after getting touched inappropriately by the Tampa Ray Rays.
Although the Asstros made 4 straight champagne series, they still weren't hot enough. Unfortuantly, George got HIV and was sent into exile after 2020. The Asstros had a new player ready to replace him though...
