Seasick

These poor bastards will be vomiting in minutes.

“Hurrpp.. Somebody stop the room please, I'd like to get off...”

~ Oscar Wilde on seasickness

Seasickness is the feeling of becoming nauseous, tired, or otherwise feeling ill while riding a form of aquatic travel. It was invented by the Polynesians in the year 300 B.C. after one of them decided to make a boat. Bastards.

Symptoms of Seasickness

Symptoms of Seasickness can include:

• Being sick on the sea
• Vomiting
• SIDS in victims over 16
• Asplodeing!!!
• Being Green in the Face
• Pimples inside the Ass
• Feeling like you are being watched
• Inexplicable Pneumonia
• Getting Tired of Listening to the Beach Boys
• Hallucinating speed boats crashing into the side of your vessel
• Horizon Icebergs
• Acute Mental Retardation
• HerpesyphilAIDS
• Seagulls laughing at you
• The Smell of Scrambled Eggs
• Being seduced by the Captain

Ways to Become Seasick

Contrary to popular belief, you do not actually have to be on a boat in the sea to become seasick. Some of the ways to become seasick include:

• Riding on a boat on a lake
• Riding on a boat on a river
• Riding on a boat on a pond
• Riding on a boat in a tornado
• Riding on a boat in a hurricane
• Riding on a boat in a swamp.
• Living in Hawaii
• Listening to too much of Beach Boys
• Riding a see-saw
• Looking at an Uncyclopedia Article that's swaying back and forth
• Riding in a submarine
• Riding on a jet ski
• Riding on a seaplane
• Riding on a raft
• Riding on a barge
• Surfing USA

And of course,

• Riding on a boat in the sea

How to avoid being Seasick?

• Avoid Fresh Air: A little known fact is that the 'Fresh' Air of the sea actually induces the Seasickness through the saltiness in it. Avoid it as much as possible. Lock yourself in your cabin and breath the same air.
• Try to Eat as Little as Possible: If you're gonna vomit, you might as well not vomit a BUNCH. Avoid eating unless necessary, and NEVER eat saltines, pretzels, or peppermints. Ginger Ale guarantees that you will experience Seasickness.
• Drink Alcohol: If you're going to vomit, it's probably better that you vomit because you drank too much, not because you're seasick. Chug that shit.
• Get as Little Sleep as Possible: Less sleep means less consciousness and less awareness to the fact that you're on a boat. Ask your doctor to see if he can put you on some Provigil or Nuvigil.
• Don't Get on a Boat in the First Place: Who cares if your significant other bought those cruise-line tickets to the Bahamas for your honeymoon? You can't go, because you'll get seasick. Tell them to take someone else, like their parents or something.

Damn those Beach Boys and their catchy songs that somehow manage to be unique, yet entirely about the beach!

• Stop Listening to the Beach Boys: Listening to the Beach Boys talk about nothing but the Beach and the Water is an easy way to get Sick of the Sea. Turn the radio off.

I did everything, and I still got Seasick! What's my best course of action?!?

That's fine, not every land-lubber can handle the pure power that is the sea. Here's your best course of action

1. Find your nearest edge-of-the-boat or trash can. This can be easily found by a bunch of other people puking their guts out as well. Follow the retching sound.
2. Spill your guts. You were already gonna do this anyway, better to not create a mess for the staff. Make sure you stand AS CLOSE to the other pukers as possible.
3. If your seasickness is incredibly intense, the best option would be to simply abandon ship. You'll be able to register the waves then, and won't be seasick anymore! My strategy is to always bring a 200 ft rope and a life preserver with me, and whenever I feel sea-sick, I throw it off the back of the ship and jump off! Just make sure to avoid those propellors, water grues, and sharks!