I Totally Banged Your Wife Dude

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“I really should cut the spleen out of the guy who wrote this article. I really should.”

~ Bert on this article

Hi man, how are ya? Come on, sit and have a beer with me, the game’s nearly finished.

So… how’re things?

How’s the prosthetic leg?

At least you’re not eating through a tube any more. How’s the kid?

Still in a coma? Too bad, man, too bad.

So how’s the rest of your family? Your dad ok?

Oh… it’s terminal now? You’d better make the most of the time you have left with him.

Cut you out of the will? That’s too bad. Still blaming you for the accident, eh?

I don’t think it was your fault really. How were you supposed to know those nuns were crossing the road?

At least you didn’t hit the orphans.

Oh… Well it’s not like you caused their families any pain.

Still, it’s back to work for you, eh?

They won’t take you back? Oh don’t worry about it, I’m sure you’ll get a job soon.

Your team isn’t doing very well today

Yeah, I thought they would win too. Luckily I didn’t put money on it.

Oh… how much did you put on?

All of it?

How’re you going to afford to keep the kid on life support?

Surely you could just have another kid?

Infertile? I never knew.

Maybe you could adopt, there’s an orphanage just down the road from your house.

Sorry, I forgot about that.

So how long have you been infertile for?

That long?

But that was before you got married… When did you do the paternity test?

So who’s the father?

Similar DNA?

…Your brother? Wow. I didn’t expect that.

I suppose if I had to guess who would be fertile out of you two, I’d choose him.

What’s the plan now then?

Nah, come on man, that’s a bit far. At least you’ve still got your marriage. See? It’s not that bad, is it?

No worries man, that’s what friends are for.

So how is she these days?

Wait wait

You have to hear this dude. Seriously. Remember when you were in a coma?

No, of course you don’t. You must have heard about when your mum died?

Right, well it happened on the day of the funeral.

Stop crying dude, this story is hilarious

So anyway I went to the funeral and so did your wife. Everyone else had left and it was just us two there. You following this? Yeah so there we were just standing by the grave and she asks if I want a drink. The good thing about your wife is she’s always got a bottle of gin handy. Am I right? Yeah, you know I’m right.

So we had a few drinks and she starts talking about you. We were all missing you loads man, really. And she starts going on about how life’s so much better without you.

Hey, stop crying man. Seriously. It’s annoying.

So yeah there we are by your mother’s grave and she’s all like ‘he could never satisfy me anyway’. Wait wait dude it gets better. So anyway I’m like ‘yeah all his girfriends said the same thing’.

Haha you know I’m right.

No no wait dude. Seriously

So anyway you know what happens when your wife drinks gin, right?

Yeah, horny as hell. Yeah I bet your brother knows it too. I love that guy, we should get him over here sometime. Anyway, back to the story.

So she starts touching me and you know one thing led to another. So there we are, right, and HAHAHA this is too much man. It’s too funny.

So yeah..

I HAD SEX WITH YOUR WIFE! Hahahaha!

I totally banged her while you were in a coma dude! Hahahahahahaha!

Right on your mother's grave!

High five!

Hahaha what are you doing? Don’t swallow all of them man.

Wait wait. HAHAHAHA! Those aren’t painkillers dude.

HAHAHAHA! They’re Tic-Tacs! Hahahaha you are too funny man! You can’t even commit suicide properly! Haha you’re such a failure dude!

Hahahaha you’re killing me here dude.

Wait wait I haven’t got to the best bit yet. So you know how your dad was filming the funeral cos he missed it?

Wait wait, put that down for a second.

So yeah someone forgot to take the camera with them and they totally left it running!

Wait wait dude, just watch the TV for a second. Wait.

THERE! LOOK DUDE! I’M HAVING SEX WITH YOUR WIFE! ON YOUR MOM'S GRAVE! HAHAHAHAHA!

Wait, where are you going? You checking the inside of the oven?

Oh wait, now I get it. HAHAHA it’s an electric oven not a gas one!

HAHAHAHA you tried to gas yourself with an electric oven! You are too funny man!

Hold on a sec, I just got a text message. Hahahaha dude your kid just died!

No, wait, they weren’t even yours!

HAHAHA YOU BROUGHT UP A KID THAT WASN’T YOURS!

AND NOW THEY’RE DEAD!

Oh man you are so hysterical dude! You should get your own show or something. Wait, wait, watch the TV. This is the best bit! So anyway I was HAVING SEX WITH YOUR WIFE!

And your dad turns up at the cemetary, he could come after all. And your wife came too! HAHAHA GEDDIT!?

Yeah so he starts joining in! Me and your dad having sex with your wife on your mom's grave! Isn’t this hysterical?

HAHA DUDE WATCH THE TV!

What are you doing man?

Give me my gun back dude! HAHAHAHA YOU TOTALLY WANT TO SHOOT YOURSELF!

HAHAHAHAHAHA THIS IS TOO MUCH MAN! TOO MUCH!

Hahaha I’m totally filming this!

HAHA IT’S NEVER LOADED! HAHAHAHAHA!

Hey, you won’t be able to beat yourself to death dude!

Hahaha, hey, fuck, stop getting blood on my carpet! Wait, wait. One more thing dude.

No, seriously dude just let me say one more thing. Just two words dude.

Hahahaha this is too much. Hahahahahahahaha!

APRIL FOOL!

HAHAHAHA I TOTALLY FOOLED YOU!