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Evil Jesus, the Messiah to all evil, not-so-evil, and irritable people, is the kind of Messiah who starts a brawl and then stands back to videotape the show. He's the type of Saviour who complains about your favorite movie while his guys lift your wallet. And contrary to popular belief, he is not a friend to the poor. He couldn't care less about them.

Yet Evil Jesus is talented in a twisty sort of way. He is responsible for all supernatural events. Ouija boards, psychic mediums, hauntings, out-of-body and in-the-body experiences, and all unnatural end-around's are Evil Jesus' bread and butter. Because of this, many poets and journalists confuse Evil Jesus with the antichrist. Yet he is very much the opposite of both Christ and antichrist. He's a veritable metaphysical Houdini!

Evil Jesus was born October 12 in 0 BC to 13-year-old Holy Milf Mary and her 85-year-old boytoy, Joey. Because they lived before the formation of Vatican City, which allows you to hump a 12-year-old while standing in line at the communion rail, they told everyone God had humped Mary to keep the authorities away from "Pedo Joe". But they hadn't needed to worry about it, because soon after Jesus was born Joey drank himself to death on a bet. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that your daughter wants to be just like her mommy? (Pictured)

... that the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution?
... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?
... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?
... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?

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In the news [edit]

Donald Trump is the first convicted President of the United States

Donald Trump found GUILTY ON ALL CHARGES (Pictured), soon to debut "prison orange" business suit
Antarctica becomes embroiled in upside-down flag controversy
Michael Jackson comes back to life
Justin Bieber gives birth to a baby, baby, baby, oooh
Switzerland wins Eurovision
- Netherlands disqualified in final shocker
YouTube is dead
D.C. stink-bombed by Jihadists and Nazis
Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support
Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · Drake-Kendrick Lamar feud · Israel-Hamas conflict
Recent deaths: Roger Corman · Drake's "whole mans career" · Dabney Coleman · Kabosu · Richard M. Sherman (Disney musician) · Doug Ingle · Bill Walton
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for Tesla cars · Drake's sanity

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On this day [edit]

June 1: International Children's Day

1212 - Over thirty-thousand peasant children march to the Holy Land to drive the wicked Saracens from Jerusalem! Saracens rejoice at wholesale savings.
1853 - Concept of childhood invented to annoy parents, before this, children were treated like malformed little people who turned into adults when belted enough.
1943 - After months of rigorous testing, German scientists finally disprove theory that boys are made out of snips, snails and puppy dog tails.
1954 - Beloved novel about the inherent savagery of British children is published, is immediately banned in the U.S due to perceived homosexual undertones.
1979 - Film adaptation of Newbery Award winning novel, The Dog Who Went to Heaven Because he Died, wins another Newbery Award.
1991 - Little boy who lives down the street dies from rat poison hidden in strangers' candy, and disrespecting his grandpa.
2006 - Widespread protests following allegations that the CIA tortured Jihadis by making them eat cafeteria food.

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