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Recently, I came to the realization that I don't exist; I haven't for years. And when I say years, I do in fact mean infinity, it's just that I'm lazy, and it's simpler to write "years" than to be bothered with typing out all those zeros.

Or at least I would be lazy, if I existed, but I don't.

Now, for the benefit of you nosy people who have no business reading someone's private diary—if you need reassurance at this early point, re-read the title. And for those of you who are too lazy to re-check the title above (though not in comparison to me, because, as I've already stated, I don't exist to allow a comparison), this non-treatise by a non-entity is untitled "Contemplating my non-existence". If it were in fact an actual treatise written by an actual entity, it would be instead titled "Contemplating my existence".

Now let's just dismiss your next point of contention right away by saying that the fact that you are reading these non-words in a non-existent article does not in any way, shape or form constitute some kind of proof that they were written by me, and therefore I must exist. (Full article...)

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Did you know?

... that I started drowning two minutes before typing this? (Pictured)

... that sex in the ear canal is called CANAL (pronounced like anal but with a C in the beginning)?
... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?
... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
... that there is no consensus among experts on vice presidential history that Al Gore exists?
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?
... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
... that the rumors that you are paranoid were started by someone who's out to get you?

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In the news

Donald Trump is the first convicted President of the United States

Donald Trump found GUILTY ON ALL CHARGES (Pictured), soon to debut "prison orange" business suit
Antarctica becomes embroiled in upside-down flag controversy
Michael Jackson comes back to life
Justin Bieber gives birth to a baby, baby, baby, oooh
Switzerland wins Eurovision
- Netherlands disqualified in final shocker
YouTube is dead
D.C. stink-bombed by Jihadists and Nazis
Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support
Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · Drake-Kendrick Lamar feud · Israel-Hamas conflict
Recent deaths: Roger Corman · Drake's "whole mans career" · Dabney Coleman · Kabosu · Richard M. Sherman (Disney musician) · Doug Ingle · Bill Walton
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for Tesla cars · Drake's sanity

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On this day

June 7: Execute a Journalist Day (Iran)

5000 BC - Wheel reinvented after initial square-shape design doesn't do the thing wheels are supposed to.
100 BC - Persia detains Greek journalists covering the Battle of Thermopylae.
212 BC - Archimedes arrested for indecent exposure. (Pictured)
1222 - Mary had a little lamb, with tumeric, black pepper and some olive oil.
1893 - Mohandas Gandhi commits his first act of civil disobedience by neglecting to pay a traffic ticket.
1905 - Norway files for divorce from Sweden after ninety-one years of agonizing marriage.
1981 - Israel bombs a nuclear reactor in Iran in celebration of the Jewish holiday Shavuot.
2010 - Mick Jagger finally gets some satisfaction, is later arrested behind a local Nando's.
2012 - Mick Jagger no longer has sympathy for the Devil, and is banished to hell.

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Picture of the day

Islamic extremists are unsure how to react to this sketch of what may or may not be the back of Mohammad's head.

Image credit: Modusoperandi
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