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Today's featured article
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Pandemonium erupted in a South-East Melbourne suburb when a homeless man wearing nothing except a beard ran wild after police attempted to give him a bath.

The man, a local transient, is well known to police as a serial offender, having already been charged multiple times with loitering, affray and creating a public stench without a permit.

The public ordeal, which was captured on video by amateur voyeurs, shows the man running from police after an attempted sanitary-based intervention. After escaping the clutches of local police, he assaulted several on-lookers with his malevolent odour; some of whom suffered bloody noses and required medical attention. Police then attempted to recapture the man, only to lose their tentative grasp on the naked man's soapy body. Futile attempts at spraying the man with a can of deodorant failed to subdue the stink and an observer was seen buckling over in pain after getting the deodorant in his eyes.

After a brief chase, the exposed man fell over and police officers closed in to apply a healthy dose of hygiene with a few swift strikes from their cleaning sticks. However, the man refused to go down without a fight, and police officers could be seen running away from the stinky bum as he continued his dash for freedom. After several minutes of police following the man at a safe distance, the chase came to an end when the man collapsed under the weight of his own intolerable stench. (Full article...)

On this day in history
...I'm Humbert Humbert, so European, all over your kids, I keep on peeing / My prose so haute, though you might forget, I'm a dirty old rapist and a piece of shit / I wandered all over, till I shot Hugh Hefner, and my girlfriend's dead 'cus I'm a sex offender / The State of Florida has asked us to disclose our sexual crimes to you...

June 13: Double Entendre Day ( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º)

Featured biography
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Alexander Hamilton (January 11, 1755 or 1757 – July 12, 1804) was the first (and last) United States Secretary of the Treasury to be killed in a duel. He was also one of the Founding Fathers of the United States, a lawyer and street judge, and a slave-owner. An all-around good guy.

As butler to General George Washington during the War of Colonial Aggression against Great Britain, Hamilton called for a new Constitution. He wrote, like, almost all of the Federalist Papers, a primary source for Constitutional repression. He was opposed by other Founding Fathers, namely all of the ones who didn't like uppity, philandering bastards.

Today, Hamilton is on the U.S. $10 bill, a testament to America's appreciation for adulterous dueling bastards who are good with fiscal policy.

Hamilton was born in Jamaica, the son of Samuel Hamilton, captain of the colonial island's bobsled team. Hamilton's mother was a 'ho and it was widely known that Hamilton was born out of wedlock, a good old-fashioned bastard in the purest possible sense. He spent his childhood days polishing his father's bobsled blades and the nobs of other bobsled teammates. His hobbies included printing his own money on palm leaves and then being lashed viciously by his father, who was also the local vicar, for counterfeiting. (Full article...)

Picture of the day
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 This is one small step for a gentleman, rather too much for working class types, I fear.

Image credit: Mhaille
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Did You Know?
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  • ... that Vincent Price is laughing at you from the grave? (Pictured)
Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

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The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

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The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

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Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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