User:JJPMaster/mp

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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

Johnson! My fine fellow, I haven't seen you since the Boer War! Bah, we must have made a glorious slaughter of those Dutchies in the Jungle eh? Ha Ha Ha, please, sir, sit down!

Why the long face? What's this you say, you're having trouble with Women-folk? Oh dear Johnson, oh dear oh dear. Still, Stiff upper lip, or should I say Stiff lower member? Ha Ha Ha, that is the problem I assume Old boy?

What! Speak man!, you're not some mumbling Frisian I do hope! Do you walk around in wooden shoes? Do you spend your evenings getting baked, then calling directory enquiries, asking for the number to directory enquiries? HA. No, I didn't think so. You're BRITISH man! My God, speak up for the love of all that is gloriously pompous!

Well...

I hope you haven't been seeing those China-women Johnson. Oh Johnson you old rascal! You picked up an oriental venereal disease, didn't you? Oh there's no shame in it ole sport. Quite the rage. Come on man, whip it out, I'll see what I can do, come on don't be a shy old Aunt ... (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that it's a surprisingly simple process to starting your own religion? (Pictured)

... that sheep shrink when it rains?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
... that a chicken-proof lawn is impeckable?
... that the populations of many endangered species can be increased with a simple Wikipedia edit?
... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time?

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In the news [edit]

Amazon and the nutty yahoo in charge of Israel continue screwing Palestine
Justin Bieber gives birth to a baby
Switzerland wins Eurovision
- Netherlands disqualified in final shocker
YouTube is dead
D.C. stink-bombed by Jihadists and Nazis
Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support (Pictured)
Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
Santa's Elves on strike
UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · Eurovision
Recent deaths: Bernard Hill · Nemo's first trophy · Roger Corman · Chrissie from Jaws · Drake's "whole mans career" · Dabney Coleman
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for Tesla cars · "New York Knicks suck" jokes.. oh wait, we just jinxed them

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On this day [edit]

May 23: Stop the Stoat Molesting Night

818 - The Force is disturbed for the first time. The Force puts a "Do Not Disturb" sign on her door.
1783 - Due to a lack of women, American pioneers settle for stoats.
1828 - Soap factory accident creates marshmallows.
1829 - Marshmallow factory accident creates tupperware.
1831 - Tupperware factory accident kills dozens of women and children.
1913 - Igor Stravinsky's The Rite Of Spring is first performed in Paris. It is a huge success and nobody riots, not even a little.
2006 - Hal 9000 starts an advice column for worried humanoids, fails miserably.
2007 - President George W. Bush accidentally knocks over his ant farm and cries.

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Picture of the day

Thermopylae was the top selling board game of the 5th Century BCE. Players compete to acquire wealth through stylized politico-economic activity involving the buying, rental, and trading of real estate using play drachma and bartering, whilst gathering groups of Perioikoi and Helots to work your land, as players take turns moving around the board according to the roll of the dice.

Image credit: Mhaille
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