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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

Here at Uncyclopedia, we ~~do not~~ wish to promote the practise of driving above the designated speed limit. This of course is highly dangerous: as every good driver knows, once a car exceeds 65mph, the speed barrier is broken, causing the vehicle to explode in a fit of spontaneous combustion. However, because traffic cops are such tightwads, they are constantly on the lookout for innocent motorists who serve as potential 'speeders'. Although these motorists may be travelling at a completely reasonable speed (130mph), the typical police officer is required to pull over and fine at least fifty motorists per day in order to rake in their "quota" --- i.e., the obligatory total of drug/beer/doughnut/prostitute money the police force needs to amass in order to keep themselves adequately happy and stay in business. This, as one can imagine, is quite a hefty sum, so it is unsurprising to be pulled over by a policeman at regular intervals.

That's why we have put together this handy guide to ~~beat the feds and~~ avoid receiving those irritating speeding tickets and fines. Plus! Now ~~thickhead~~ intercontinentally friendly! (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that the Easter Bunny must kill every 100 years? (Pictured)

... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
... that still lifes are the most interesting paintings?
... that dihydrogen monoxide is a substance found in car exhaust, pesticides, acid rain, and your energy drink?
... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
... that not all of Ukraine is Russia, though Russia can't seem to tell?
... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?
... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?

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In the news [edit]

Switzerland wins Eurovision
- Netherlands disqualified in final shocker
YouTube is dead
D.C. stink-bombed by Jihadists and Nazis
Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support (Pictured)
Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
Santa's Elves on strike
UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · Eurovision
Recent deaths: O. J. Simpson · Bernard Hill · Nemo's first trophy · Roger Corman · Chrissie from Jaws · Drake's "whole mans career"
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for Tesla cars · "New York Knicks suck" jokes (watch this jinx them lol)

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On this day [edit]

May 17: Day of the Exhausted Dog

1458 - Pope Pius II declares that Spain does not exist.
1397 - The Vikings commit their most heinous crime by founding Sweden.
1865 - Abraham Lincoln turns down tickets to the Ice Capades in order to see a play
1975 - The split infinitive is invented. In protest, grammarians sets themselves on fire. NYT obit: "They died as they lived, prepared to selflessly martyr themselves for what they believed in."
1914 - Stand-up British gents die jolly-good deaths in World War I.
1982 - Pope John Paul II readmits Spain to existence, apologizes for his forepope's bigotry.
2009 - Minecraft is created by Sir Notch VII.
2012 - The word lol is finally added to the Oxford dictionary, despite numerous protests from stuffy prescriptivists like Stephen Fry.

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Picture of the day

Symphonia, the Greek goddess of rock (Opera in Roman mythology) was one of the lesser goddesses born to Tethys and Oceanus. She is said to bless those who truly appreciate "a killer riff" by turning herself into a sculpture made out of stone (it is assumed marble). She is considered a lesser goddess because this happened only once.

Image credit: Zombiebaron
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