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From today's featured article
Recently, I came to the realization that I don't exist; I haven't for years. And when I say years, I do in fact mean infinity, it's just that I'm lazy, and it's simpler to write "years" than to be bothered with typing out all those zeros.
Or at least I would be lazy, if I existed, but I don't.
Now, for the benefit of you nosy people who have no business reading someone's private diary—if you need reassurance at this early point, re-read the title. And for those of you who are too lazy to re-check the title above (though not in comparison to me, because, as I've already stated, I don't exist to allow a comparison), this non-treatise by a non-entity is untitled "Contemplating my non-existence". If it were in fact an actual treatise written by an actual entity, it would be instead titled "Contemplating my existence".
Now let's just dismiss your next point of contention right away by saying that the fact that you are reading these non-words in a non-existent article does not in any way, shape or form constitute some kind of proof that they were written by me, and therefore I must exist. (Full article...)
In the news
- Editorial note: Fakelogo template
- Sesame Street finally realizes it's on HBO (Pictured)
- Beto O'Rourke puts finishing touches on 2020 Presidential concession speech
- Roman Catholic Church canonizes Frosty the Snowman as a divine being
- Studies show clinical depression at an all-time low
- Trump news roundup: Plea deals, felonies, and a little girl dies in Border Patrol
- Santa Claus now "probably about a four" on the Kinsey scale
- Whirlpool Galaxy files restraining order against Neil deGrasse Tyson
- Jeff Bezos caught stuffing old fat dude into his trunk
- Trump releases abhorrent holiday stimulus package
- George H.W. Bush dies: Best and worst of his life
- Murphy Brown revival not cancelled, (Dan Quayle joke withheld in light of recent events)
Did you know
- ... that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
- ... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside?
- ... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
- ... that the bird is equal to or greater than the word?
- ... that pillow fighting is a violent trend among the world's pillow population, and must be stopped?
- ... that Bruce Lee could juggle two balls with his penis?
- ... that torture is better to give than to receive?
On this day
January 7: Black Karl Marx Day
- 698 - King Arthur has a white wine with his cottage pie instead of a red, the round table become concerned.
- 1608 - The settlement of Jamestown, Virginia burns down after a careless farmer leaves the smoking tobacco too close to the firewood.
- 1954 - The first demonstration of computer speech is performed in Georgetown University by an IBM machine, it says: suck it nerds
- 1959 - The U.S. Government sends Fidel Castro fifteen crates of the finest American cigars, which only look like live sticks of dynamite.
- 1989 - In response to allegations of class reductionism, the Democratic Socialists of America release the new and improved Black Karl Marx, now 40% more intersectional. (Pictured)
- 2012 - Pope Francis excommunicates the Vatican's fancy Pope throne in favor of a lame white chair, the peasants cheer, but God cries.
- 2017 - Black Karl Marx calls one of his female colleagues honeybun, is temporarily taken out of commission.
Be a writer
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