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From today's featured article
Hello, reader. It seems you have found this article whilst browsing half-heartedly through the Uncyclopedia bookshelf. However, this article is incredibly depressing; I myself sometimes cry like a baby at night, my face slowly vanishing from existence, because of the horrors of this article.
My name is Lemony Snicket, and I am the socially insecure author of an extremely melancholy series of books. I have also written this article, which happens to be about said books. I have promised to inform the public of this terrible tale, no matter how sad I may get, but if you are interested in articles with happy endings, you would certainly be better off reading some other article, for example one about innocent little kittens, or perhaps something about a 19th-century poet whose works are no doubt more uplifting than mine. That way, you would never have to know about A Series of Unfortunate Events, all of which are documented below.
This particular tale is one of misery and woe. Some people think it is over-the-top and dramatic, but those people don't understand what it's like to lose a loved one, or become an outlaw, or win a Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Award — you just want more and more, you smarmy bastards! Shame on you! Shame on you all for ever clicking on the link that took you to this depressing article in the first place! Um, anyway, its main characters are three sad children who must face burden after burden in order to finally settle down happily. They are constantly stalked by a wheezing, greedy, evil old man named Count Olaf, and are surrounded by adults who do not understand their problems. (Full article...)
In the news
- Editorial note: Fakelogo template
- Sesame Street finally realizes it's on HBO (Pictured)
- Beto O'Rourke puts finishing touches on 2020 Presidential concession speech
- Roman Catholic Church canonizes Frosty the Snowman as a divine being
- Studies show clinical depression at an all-time low
- Trump news roundup: Plea deals, felonies, and a little girl dies in Border Patrol
- Santa Claus now "probably about a four" on the Kinsey scale
- Whirlpool Galaxy files restraining order against Neil deGrasse Tyson
- Jeff Bezos caught stuffing old fat dude into his trunk
- Trump releases abhorrent holiday stimulus package
- George H.W. Bush dies: Best and worst of his life
- Murphy Brown revival not cancelled, (Dan Quayle joke withheld in light of recent events)
Did you know
- ... that there was more then one model for the Mona Lisa? (Pictured)
- ... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
- ... tennis isn't just a game?
- ... that the Japanese have a saying: "A man cannot read the same Wikipedia page twice"? The pages are constantly being edited, and the act of reading it will make you a different person. Therefore, when a man goes back to re-read it, both the text and the man have been changed.
- ... that when it says "Do not try at home", it actually means "Do not try this at all"?
- ... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
- ... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
- ... that I let the dogs out, and you can't do a goddamn thing about it?
On this day
January 7: Black Karl Marx Day
- 698 - King Arthur has a white wine with his cottage pie instead of a red, the round table become concerned.
- 1608 - The settlement of Jamestown, Virginia burns down after a careless farmer leaves the smoking tobacco too close to the firewood.
- 1954 - The first demonstration of computer speech is performed in Georgetown University by an IBM machine, it says: suck it nerds
- 1959 - The U.S. Government sends Fidel Castro fifteen crates of the finest American cigars, which only look like live sticks of dynamite.
- 1989 - In response to allegations of class reductionism, the Democratic Socialists of America release the new and improved Black Karl Marx, now 40% more intersectional. (Pictured)
- 2012 - Pope Francis excommunicates the Vatican's fancy Pope throne in favor of a lame white chair, the peasants cheer, but God cries.
- 2017 - Black Karl Marx calls one of his female colleagues honeybun, is temporarily taken out of commission.
Be a writer
Unfortunately, anyone can edit Uncyclopedia. Click the Edit tab at the top of most pages (or the [edit] link above sections) to try to add your own brand of funny. If you want to take on other tasks, our introduction will guide you through the basic principles of editing, unless you don't know how to read.
There are many resources to help you along the way:
- How to be funny and not just stupid – for help with that comedy thing
- Policies and guidelines — for the boring rules no one follows
- Formatting – for help on editing
- Requested articles – for inspiration, or lack thereof
- Village Dump – to throw angry invectives at other users
- Community portal – for even more resources
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