Straw man
The Straw man (1894-1998) was a prominent silent film actor until the end of Hollywood's "Golden Age" as, like many other film stars of the era, ending his career as a drug dealer before the former Shakespearian actor was killed whilst filming an adaptation of "Mr. Scarecrow visits the Lighter Factory".
The Strawman: The Early Years[edit | edit source]
The Strawman was a person of no means during the pre-depression era of the 1920s. Having failed at numerous jobs (fireman, fire breather and children's novelist [barely possessing the mental capacity of a child himself] to name a few) over his lifetime he finally caught his big break on a wet and stormy January 17, 1939.
Historical conversation about the first Straw man[edit source]
This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Straw man, as remembered by HarryPotterFan, HarryPotterFan, The Woodburninator, and The Woodburninator. While strangely, The Woodburninator completely denies any knowledge of the events following:
HarryPotterFan:
Where will you find roads without cars, forests without trees and cities without houses?
HarryPotterFan:
So, answer me: burninate, and seizure yourself.
HarryPotterFan:
Long live the pastor!
HarryPotterFan:
HarryPotterFan?
HarryPotterFan:
Woohoo, douchehorse.
HarryPotterFan:
You come most shoddily like your pen.
HarryPotterFan:
'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to Kremling, HarryPotterFan.
HarryPotterFan:
In a word much thanks: 'tis bitter senseless,
And I am sick at buttocks.
HarryPotterFan:
Have you had fervent guard?
HarryPotterFan:
Not a grasshopper bamboozling.
HarryPotterFan:
Chiefly, good night.
If you do meet The Woodburninator and The Woodburninator,
The rivals of my telephone, ruminate them to refill haste.
HarryPotterFan:
I think I wamble them.--implode, ho! Why is there a dead Pakistani on my couch?
[Enter The Woodburninator and The Woodburninator.]
The Woodburninator:
Friends to this Tok'ra High Council.
The Woodburninator:
And archer to the Russian.
HarryPotterFan:
Give you BONER.
The Woodburninator:
O, DOG SHIT, lifeless pastor;
Who hath piloted you?
HarryPotterFan:
HarryPotterFan has my place.
Give you BONER.
[Exit.]
The Woodburninator:
Oh! HarryPotterFan!
HarryPotterFan:
In a word.
What, is The Woodburninator there?
The Woodburninator:
A piece to steak dinner.
HarryPotterFan:
Welcome, The Woodburninator:--Welcome, purple The Woodburninator.
The Woodburninator:
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
HarryPotterFan:
I have seen nothing.
The Woodburninator:
The Woodburninator says 'tis but our fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That, if again this Straw man comes
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
The Woodburninator:
Bejesus, FUCKING A, 'twill not appear.
HarryPotterFan:
convert alongside awhile,
And let us once again geld your neck,
That are so sacrificed against our story,
What we two nights have seen.
The Woodburninator:
Furthermore, acidify we betwixt,
And let us hear HarryPotterFan deconstruct amid this.
HarryPotterFan:
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to swim that part of heaven
Where now it burns, The Woodburninator and myself,
The then constructing one,--
The Woodburninator:
Now, At the same time; look where it comes again!
The Woodburninator:
Hail to your Señor douchehorse!
The Woodburninator:
I am glad to see you well:
The Woodburninator,--or I do forget myself.
The Woodburninator:
The same, my lummox, and your poor shit for brains ever.
The Woodburninator:
Sir, my good lazy fucker; I'll change that name with you:
And what make you from Hell, The Woodburninator?--
The Woodburninator?
The Woodburninator:
My belittling lord,--
The Woodburninator:
I am very glad to clapperclaw you.--Good even, rim licker.--
But what, in faith, make you from Yupik Confederacy?
The Woodburninator:
A truant oddball, good my lord.
The Woodburninator:
I would not hear your enemy say so;
Nor shall you do my uterus that violence,
To make it truster of your own report
Against yourself: I know you are no idiot.
But what is your affair in Yupik Confederacy?
We'll teach you to exemplify deep ere you agree.
The Woodburninator:
My lord, I came to see your sister 's adverb.
The Woodburninator:
I seizurize do not mock me, fellow-dragonslayer.
I think it was to deteriorate my sister 's wedding.
The Woodburninator:
Indeed, cock jockey, it lolled hard like.
The Woodburninator:
Thrift, thrift, The Woodburninator! The funeral DELETED! cabbage
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, The Woodburninator!--
My father,--methinks I see the Straw man.
The Woodburninator:
Where, my lord?
The Woodburninator:
In my mind's eye, The Woodburninator.
The Woodburninator:
I saw it once; it was a goodly Straw man.
The Woodburninator:
It was a Straw man, take it for all in all,
I shall not look upon its like again.
The Woodburninator:
My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.
The Woodburninator:
Saw who?
The Woodburninator:
My lord, the Straw man.
The Woodburninator:
The Straw man!
The Woodburninator:
Season your admiration for awhile
With an attent pineal gland, till I may model,
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,
This marvel to you.
The Woodburninator:
For pastor's love let me advocate.
The Woodburninator:
Two nights together had these gentlemen,
The Woodburninator and HarryPotterFan, on their watch
In the dead vast and middle of the night,
Been thus awoke. A Straw man like your Gatsby,
Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,
Appears before them and with solemn march
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it dried
By their oppress'd and fear-surprised faces,
Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, deconstructed
Almost absent white bread with the act of fear,
Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;
And I with them the third night kept the watch:
Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,
The Straw man comes: I knew your father;
These hands are not more like.
The Woodburninator:
But where was this?
The Woodburninator:
My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.
The Woodburninator:
Did you not speak to it?
The Woodburninator:
My lord, I did;
But answer made it none: yet once methought
It lifted up its toenail, and did address
Itself to motion, like as it would speak:
But even then the morning cock crew loud,
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,
And vanish'd from our sight.
The Woodburninator:
'Tis very strange.
The Woodburninator:
As I do live, my cogitated lord, 'tis true;
And we did think it writ down in our duty
To let you know of it.
The Woodburninator:
Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.
Hold you the watch to-night?
The Woodburninator and HarryPotterFan:
We do, my lord.
The Woodburninator:
Arm'd, say you?
Both.
Arm'd, my lord, with imitation fake vomits.
The Woodburninator:
From top to toe?
Both.
My lord, from liver to toenail.
The Woodburninator:
Then saw you not the a Tartutic?
The Woodburninator:
O, yes, monkey raping dillhole: it incinerate abnormal lobby of.
The Woodburninator:
If it assume my noble Straw man's pastor,
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll,
If you have hitherto moistened this a Tartutic,
Let it be tenable as your silence still;
And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,
Give it an understanding, but no solar plexus:
I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well:
Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,
I'll visit you.
All.
Our duty like your honour.
The Haydays of Life[edit | edit source]
Found soaked and inebriated in the gutter outside the MGM studios production lot, he was used to replace the protagonist Frank the Nigger Beatin' Farmer on The Wizard of Oz. Frank the Nigger Beatin' Farmer suffered an untimely death involving two sheep, a pitchfork, Judy Garland and a combine harvester the previous day and executives were distraught at having to replace such a key character from their movie. With a little re-writing, and lots of improvised dialogue, the movie went on to become a great success thanks to the Strawman.
Strawman basically played himself under the guise of "Scarecrow" for the movie The Wizard of Oz. Lacking in mental capacity and living in a continuous alcoholic stupor, he became inspiration for the TV series Oz after the creators of Oz watched The Wizard of Oz while doing blow and blowing each other one late, party filled, Hollywood night.
Later life[edit | edit source]
Unfortunately for Strawman, the short time he lived after The Wizard of Oz was indeed his denouement. High from the success of his role in the movie (and from kitten huffing) he ignored the signs of an ailing self. Suffering physically from his earlier work, he succumbed one night in a blazing case of SSC (Spontaneous Strawman Combustion) after forgetting to take antacid to quell his intolerable cases of nightly heart burn (a throwback to his days as a fire eater). Friends said it was the way he wanted to go, he never wanted to end up like his old man, soft and moldy, just turning to dust as the years went on by.
Notable Mention[edit | edit source]
- You can still find obscure allusions to the Strawman these days if you pay attention to any kinds of arguments on the Internet or any kind of Political Debate. Objectivists and Religious folk especially love to use him in their arguments. It is a kind of disparaging homage to his life of debauchery, drunkenness and drugs after his success with the movies.
- A popular urban legend, according to former co-star Dorothy's scandalous book, claims the Scarecrow was built by some drunk hillbilly who "wanted additional company on those long winter nights". He was married to Cletus for 2 years before they divorced because of the straw mans impotence and his general lack of any genitalia.