UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
2. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
3. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
4. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
5. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
6. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
7. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
8. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
9. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
10. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
11. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
12. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
13. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
14. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
15. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
16. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
17. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
18. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
19. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
20. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
21. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
22. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
23. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
24. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
25. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
26. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
27. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
28. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
29. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
30. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
31. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
32. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
33. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
34. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
35. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
36. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
37. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
38. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
39. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
40. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
41. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate distastefully
42. To evaporate an electron, is to evaporate {{adv})
43. John Travolta is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.