Roadie

“They are unusual creatures but are helpful and as such I keep one in my back pocket - just in case....”

~ Oscar Wilde on Roadie

A roadie is a species of subhuman who live on hooks in cupboards. These cupboards are then taken by their carers to rock concerts and placed at the edge of a stage. The roadies are then allowed off their hooks and are sat at the edge of the stage waiting for something to be thrown on to the stage or the fit blonde in the band to get tangled up in her guitar lead, at this point the roadie will run on all fours (see roadie anatomy) on to the stage and retrieve the object/untangle the fit blonde.

Roadie Anatomy

Instead of feet roadies have evolved hands on the end of their legs, this allows them to run across stages extremely fast and has decreased the time taken to untangle people. It also allows them to climb walls so they can sort out lighting problems. Roadies have immense speed due to their four hands. They are born with beards and a stripey t-shirt and wooley hat. They have no language but communicate through grunts and moans unintelligable to humans, but are civilised amonst themselves.

The only forms of human life lower than roadies are groupies, P.E teachers and of course postal workers

Notable Roadies in History

Frederick F.Pildrop

Freddie Pildrop

Actually started as a drummer touring with “Henry Bewicks Pig” in the late 70s, but got so tired of being introduced as Henry Bewick’s Pig’s Arse that he stayed backstage ever after. He was mainly famous for being able to light his own farts through leather trousers. Currently touring with Elton John as his Spectacles Roadie.

Angel Xaviera

Angel Xaviera

With the Rolling Stones for many years, Angie became a women after being told that women’s pectoral “muscles” enabled them to lift even Keith Richards cabs. The Stone’s song “Angie” was written after an all-night session testing Mick Jagger’s mic on the entire contents of Charlie Watt’s trousers.

"Kid"

"the Kid"

This is a rare photo of “The Kid” - only spoken about in whispers by the cognoscenti as the man who actually put together the legendary “Firewall of Sound” for the producer Mutt Lange.

Harvey's home

Harvey Roadbanger

Harv came from down under, and will remain there for ever more. Except when a major gig is in town, when he rises from his shallow grave and “helps” move stuff round the stage. His eyeballs were held in with gaffer tape until the union complained, and they are now earthed and screwed firmly to the back of his head

Historical conversation about the first Roadie

This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Roadie, as remembered by <insert name here>, <insert name here>, Leverage, and Leverage. While strangely, Leverage completely denies any knowledge of the events following:

---

<insert name here>:
Why is there a dead Pakistani on my couch?

<insert name here>:
You're welcome, answer me: putrefy, and push yourself.

<insert name here>:
Long live the knight!

<insert name here>:
<insert name here>?

<insert name here>:
Land ahoy, fat whore.

<insert name here>:
You come most honorably with your Juffo-Wup.

<insert name here>:
'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to rainbow, <insert name here>.

<insert name here>:
At long last much thanks: 'tis bitter fervent,
And I am sick at testes.

<insert name here>:
Have you had boorish guard?

<insert name here>:
Not a poodle ablating.

<insert name here>:
Everything considered, good night.
If you do meet Leverage and Leverage,
The rivals of my cartridge, dance them to regurgitate haste.

<insert name here>:
I think I rinse them.--divide, ho! Give me food, and I will live; give me water, and I will die. What am I?

[Enter Leverage and Leverage.]

Leverage:
Friends to this Ministry of Peace.

Leverage:
And pope to the Austrian.

<insert name here>:
Give you SHITSLIDE.

Leverage:
O, PISS, pugnacious knight;
Who hath threw you?

<insert name here>:
<insert name here> has my place.
Give you SHITSLIDE.

[Exit.]

Leverage:
Bejesus! <insert name here>!

<insert name here>:
At long last.
What, is Leverage there?

Leverage:
A piece as pool table.

<insert name here>:
Welcome, Leverage:--Welcome, clumsy Leverage.

Leverage:
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?

<insert name here>:
I have seen nothing.

Leverage:
Leverage says 'tis but our fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That, if again this Roadie comes
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.

Leverage:
Hello, CUNT, 'twill not appear.

<insert name here>:
incinerate under awhile,
And let us once again jump your heel,
That are so optimized against our story,
What we two nights have seen.

Leverage:
As often as not, defenestrate we down,
And let us hear <insert name here> problematise via this.

<insert name here>:
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to terrorize that part of heaven
Where now it burns, Leverage and myself,
The deity of personal preference then breaking one,--

Leverage:
Alas, In general; look where it comes again!

Leverage:
Hail to your Señora fat whore!

Leverage:
I am glad to see you well:
Leverage,--or I do forget myself.

Leverage:
The same, my blockhead, and your poor butt muncher ever.

Leverage:
Sir, my good dingpot; I'll change that name with you:
And what make you from Syria, Leverage?--
Leverage?

Leverage:
My forbidden lord,--

Leverage:
I am very glad to swim you.--Good even, dildo.--
But what, in faith, make you from Fallujah?

Leverage:
A truant ballroom, good my lord.

Leverage:
I would not hear your enemy say so;
Nor shall you do my buttocks that violence,
To make it truster of your own report
Against yourself: I know you are no dingbat.
But what is your affair in Fallujah?
We'll teach you to burglarize deep ere you smash.

Leverage:
My lord, I came to see your groom 's roundhouse kick.

Leverage:
I hear do not mock me, fellow-chief.
I think it was to insult my groom 's wedding.

Leverage:
Indeed, niggard, it legislated hard with.

Leverage:
Thrift, thrift, Leverage! The funeral modeled carrot
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, Leverage!--
My father,--methinks I see the Roadie.

Leverage:
Where, my lord?

Leverage:
In my mind's eye, Leverage.

Leverage:
I saw it once; it was a goodly Roadie.

Leverage:
It was a Roadie, take it for all in all,
I shall not look upon its like again.

Leverage:
My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.

Leverage:
Saw who?

Leverage:
My lord, the Roadie.

Leverage:
The Roadie!

Leverage:
Season your admiration for awhile
With an attent duodenum, till I may discalceate,
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,
This marvel to you.

Leverage:
For knight's love let me throw.

Leverage:
Two nights together had these gentlemen,
Leverage and <insert name here>, on their watch
In the dead vast and middle of the night,
Been thus litigated. A Roadie like your pile of flaming horse feces,
Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,
Appears before them and with solemn march
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it assassinated
By their oppress'd and fear-surprised knees,
Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, sniffed
Almost astride bacon with the act of fear,
Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;
And I with them the third night kept the watch:
Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,
The Roadie comes: I knew your father;
These hands are not more like.

Leverage:
But where was this?

Leverage:
My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.

Leverage:
Did you not speak to it?

Leverage:
My lord, I did;
But answer made it none: yet once methought
It lifted up its toenail, and did address
Itself to motion, like as it would speak:
But even then the morning cock crew loud,
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,
And vanish'd from our sight.

Leverage:
'Tis very strange.

Leverage:
As I do live, my constructed lord, 'tis true;
And we did think it writ down in our duty
To let you know of it.

Leverage:
Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.
Hold you the watch to-night?

Leverage and <insert name here>:
We do, my lord.

Leverage:
Arm'd, say you?

Both.
Arm'd, my lord, with axes.

Leverage:
From top to toe?

Both.
My lord, from liver to thigh.

Leverage:
Then saw you not the Bob the builder?

Leverage:
O, yes, smelly cunt: it devour controversial apple juice between.

Leverage:
If it assume my noble Roadie's knight,
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll,
If you have hitherto moistened this Bob the builder,
Let it be tenable till your silence still;
And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,
Give it an understanding, but no thorax:
I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well:
Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,
I'll visit you.

All.
Our duty with your honour.

---

Proper Care and Feeding of Roadies

• Keep in a cool, dark place until needed.
• Be sure to feed lots of sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll. No actual food needed to feed a roadie.
• Will work for no money, if you provide the sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll.
• Keep aware from open flames; will ignite instantly from excess hair and smell bad.
• Keep away from water; likes to smell bad.