The Ohio™
Ohio | |
|---|---|
| Capital: | The Horseshoe |
| Government: | Democracy, I hope |
| State Flower: | Football |
| State Anthem: | Only in Ohio |
| Official languages: | English, Midwesterner |
| Penisal state of most citizens | Circumcised |
| State bird: | Buckeye |
| State fish: | Pigskin |
| State motto: | "With God, all things are possible"[1]. |
| Nickname: | the Buckeye State, the Trashcan, Pothole Land |
| Currency: | Dollars and old birthday cards |
| Principal imports: | Amazing college football players, white people, cars |
| Principal exports: | NFL players that are better than their own people, black people, old people, boats, factory jobs |
| Climate: | Cold as hell or hot as hell. Either way, it's hell. |
| AKA: | Apparently when you enter Ohio, there's no way of getting out! |
Ohio is known for being a completely normal state of 'merica and the leader of the free world. Ohio was discovered first by the people who live way out into the wild west and their skin color was red. However, we Americans were bitter and selfish.[2] We said we found the land first, but then again we did find it. Not those tongue-twisting weird aliens. I wondered how we got the land from them even if we couldn't understand their language! Well ... on with Ohio. George Washington kicked those Aliens out of what is now known as Ohio. Ohio's state boundaries are weird as they don't even make a triangle or rectangle like Pennsylvania! It's more of a dysfunctional triangle. (Maybe a drunk person drew it – that's why they had parties!) Some people have found Wendy's chicken nuggets shaped like the state before their parents think it's a janky-ass heart.
Dangers
Ohio is largely considered the real-life equivalent of The Backrooms. The state is filled with many dangerous "entities", among the which are included an extremely lethal species known as GET OFF MY LAWN'ers. Once you have entered Ohio there is no way to exit. Some common survival tips are to never diss Ohio State, as that will lead to immediate death from 60 year old tailgaters, and to also just stay the fuck out. The only safe place in Ohio is the BSA's Survival Bunker Alpha in the northwest of the state. Most who enter Ohio are doomed to death or indoctrination into a hound of GET OF MY LAWN'er. Ohio is the second most dangerous place in the world, being only followed by Detroit.
Climate
Since Ohio is up near a lake, it's almost always cold and then hot. People have complained about how cold it is that they want to move to Florida but they can't! In the winters the temperatures are usually 10 to 15 degrees, sometimes even below that! On the other hand, we do hear that Minnesota is much colder. In the summers, the temperatures becomes fucking Florida. You're still fucked though, because it's colder than a well-digger's asshole outside 85% of the year. Have fun being cold here, or don't. It does get hot sometimes, and you burn your fucking ass off. It then hails the next hour. One day in June, it went from -22°F to 66°F in one hour. the sky is also a constant shade of gray - most Ohioans think that it's what the sky is supposed to look like!
People
The people in Ohio are such nice people, referred to as "Ohioans", ranking #1 to become the Nicest State of the USA! Go there and ask anybody for directions to Dunkin Donuts and they will tell you how to go there. If you are a shy guy, then quickly text a friend of yours who lives in Ohio. No matter what type of person you talk to, they will still help you, even if they're autistic. More people are diagnosed with autism here more than any other state. Is that okay? No. Ohio is also the most profane state as verified by an old-ass image I found online that was probably made in 2012. There are several reasons why people hate Ohio, and this is one of them.
Transportation
The people of Ohio have a choice they have to make. They can either drive a car, walk on foot, ride a bicycle, or take the subway (the only one is in the city of Cleveland). That's the only way to get around in Ohio. You'll just have to make up for the bad drivers who will either cut you off at the last minute or speed through that red light. Not to mention that it's the state with the highest amount of traffic accidents. Potholes are imminent and dangerous. If you're planning on taking a plane ride, straight from the heart!
Cities
| City | Population | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Cleveland | 790,000 | Home of many things nobody cares about, but 🎶at least we're not Detroit!🎶 |
| Akron | Less than Cleveland | This is a city? Are you serious? |
| Cincinnati | 100 | People here must be fans of the Bengals. |
| Columbus | Almost a million | the Indianapolis of Ohio. It is infamous for having so many potholes. |
| Youngstown | 43 | they have some old rusty steel factories haunted by ghosts. Only true-blue Ohioans dare to set foot there. |
| Canton | Few | Akron's strange southern neighbor. |
| Hartville | 7 | they're run by a bunch of autistic bakers who make really good pies. That's it. their bakeries are actually pretty awesome. |
| Mansfield | Less than 49,999 and dropping by the minute | the "Hub of Ohio": everything goes around it. Not the end of the world, but you can see it from there. Look up, you're on the edge of the world. |
| Massillon | Even fewer than Canton | Canton's gay twin and home of an Uncyclopedian. Can you guess who? |
| Navarre | A nillion | More or less. Nothing equal. |
| Toledo | 68 | Muslims galore! |
| Sandusky | 25,000 | Amusement park tourist trap. People only go there because of Cedar Point. |
| Piqua | 20,000 | Home of Captain Underpants. |
| Loveland | 12,000 | Best known for sightings of a large humanoid frog...what? |
| Urbana | 14,000 | Shitty schools. Some good people, you'll be lucky to find any. |
| Dayton | 50,000 | Skyscrapers and bridges and rivers and plazas and apartments and universities and water and things and stuff. Everything seems to be redundant there. |
| Zanesville | A horse | Pottery. Just pottery. |
| Sparta | <2 | THIS ... IS ... SPARTA! |
| Beachwood | 10+ | Jewish elderly people, also more grey than normal. Boring. |
Attractions
There is really nothing really good to see in Ohio. I guess if you like football you can check out the Pro Football Hall Of Shame or something like that. there's also Cedar Point up by the lake. That's fun. Other than that, there is nothing beautiful to see in Ohio. There's just corn, corn, grass, other plants, more corn – you get the idea. The people in Ohio are quite attractive though, especially the ladies! A lot of gay teenagers are entertaining if you can find them.
In popular culture
Ohio has recently become a popular internet meme between members of Generation Alpha, as well as late Zoomers. As such, it has been implemented into the early-2020s internet-speak, along other amazing words such as "skibidi", "gyatt", "rizz" and "sus".
The phrase "only in Ohio" represents a situation so ridiculous, one could only imagine such things happening in Ohio- because, as everyone knows, Ohio is the place where the most bizarre and bat fuck insane things happen[3].
Jokes, trivia and miscellaneous facts
- What's round on the ends and high in the middle? "oHIo!"
- Did you know that in Ohio it is illegal to eat a donut while walking backwards?
- Ohio capitalized looks like a tractor[4]; this is good because it helps with the corn.
Footnotes
- ↑ DISCLAIMER: This is a totally generic and secular statement, (because there are absolutely no people who don't believe in a God) created by the government of Ohio. Batteries not included. Each set sold separately. Base plates and background models not included. these statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to cure, treat or prevent any disease. This ad is sponsored by Raid Shadow Legends and Nord VPN!
- ↑ Because we didn't bring enough sunscreen.
- ↑ Just like in Florida. Or California. Or Texas. Or Alabama. Or any other state from the United States.
- ↑ This, however, does not happen when written in all caps (OHIO).
