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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

“Peter…” My mother asks me as the titles to Loose Women roll. “Why don’t you get a job?”

“But I can’t get a job mother, haven’t you heard about the economic crisis? There are no jobs!” I patronise, with only the faintest idea of what an economy might be.

“Pah!” Father pipes up re-ruffling his paper. “That’s just an excuse for those pithy paper pushing poofs. I bet you don’t even know what the economy is!”

“Sure I do, it’s, erm, the jobs ratios or—god is that the time!? I have to go!”

“Go where?” He says lowering the paper. “It's not like you have a job.”

And therefore I don't have a life, obviously. Were you actually trying be ironic there?

“When is it you’re on that cruise again?” I ask as my parting shot. Stupid retired people, they don’t want to work and get away with it! (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that President Hoover (Pictured) was an actual hoover?

... that every time you shoot yourself in the head, someone somewhere in the world dies?
... that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?
... that reading this DYK suggestion just wasted 10 seconds of your life?
... that the bow-tie is an aphrodisiac worn by male humans which instantly increases the sexual appeal of the wearer by 16%?
... that the keyboard you have been using has more germs than your toilet seat?
... that a Pie Chart is the most delicious way of visually conveying information?
... that vaccinations and computer games combined make a deadly cocktail for autism?

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In the news [edit]

Switzerland wins Eurovision
- Netherlands disqualified in final shocker
YouTube is dead
D.C. stink-bombed by Jihadists and Nazis
Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support (Pictured)
Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
Santa's Elves on strike
UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · Eurovision
Recent deaths: Bernard Hill · Nemo's first trophy · Roger Corman · Chrissie from Jaws · Drake's "whole mans career" · Dabney Coleman
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for Tesla cars · "New York Knicks suck" jokes (watch this jinx them lol)

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On this day [edit]

May 18: "We Can Eat Cows Today" Day (India)

441 BC - Oedipus Rex, after learning the awful truth about his wife/mother, kills her and marries his father instead.
218 BC - Hannibal crosses the Alps and right as he makes it to Italy, realizes he could have just taken the ferry.
1948 - Time Magazine's printing press malfunctions: time is paused for five hours and twenty-three minutes before resuming.
1975 - Humpty Dumpty falls off the Berlin Wall, all the King's horses and all the King's men are executed by Soviets for being counterrevolutionaries.
1991 - Vegetables banned from the White House after George H. W. Bush discovers illicit affair between Barbara Bush and a man with severe cerebral palsy.
2014 - You have an erotic dream about your brother, you can't stand to look at him all day.
2017 - A Tyrannosaurus rex is successfully cloned in a Chinese lab, chooses to major in business instead of man-eating to the chagrin of Jurassic Park fans.

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Picture of the day

You want surreal? Try wasting four hours a day waxing your 'stache until it closely resembles your entire Catalonian name. That's surreal.

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